Conclusion: the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses.
提纲开头—让步式开头错误1----Hasty Generation最新店的国产奶酪销售量最高，并不能代表所有的店的国产奶酪销售都会很高错误2---cheese of the world 的调查方式不对，其仅对订阅者做的调查，不具有代表性，即便具有代表性，不能保证将来一定能够对国产奶酪的倾向性越来越高。错误3---One-sidedness 只考虑到停止储备很多进口奶酪的而主要集中于国产奶酪的好，并没有考虑它可能带来的不利之处。结尾—首尾呼应
In this argument the author recommends that the best way to improve profits is to discontinue stocking imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic’s [domestic ones’]. To support his recommendation, the speaker point out that newest store’s good selling performance. In addition, he refers to the investigation from Cheese of the world magazine. Further more, the author also reasons the feasibility by reducing the imported cheese will lead to a profit. In [At] the first glance, the argument appears to be plausible, but further reflection reveals that it suffers from at least 3 logical flaws.
Firstly, the author commits a fallacy of hasty generalization in assuming that newest store ‘s selling domestic cheese performance will automatically result in all the cheese stores ,[个人觉得在这个位置应该加一个连接词，如however,这样衔接会更自然]the mere fact that five best-selling cheeses at newest store from[改为of]domestic suppliers provides little support to the author’s recommendation. For all we know, new store often has a sales promotion in order to attract customers.[论述不够深入，我认为应该进一步指出可能国产奶酪就是因为促销所以才有好的销售业绩，否则说得太泛泛，没有说服力]If so, newest store’s selling ability is not representative. Therefore, the speaker’s recommendation based on newest store render it highly suspect.
Secondly, the fact that most respondents of magazine to a recent survey indicate an increasing preference for domestic cheeses can not make me convinced. This is none necessarily the case. Perhaps the number of subscribers of Cheese of World magazine is very little or perhaps they all live in central position where cheese store can only provide them with domestic cheese. [只说了可能的情况没有进一步解释如果假设发生了会怎么样。即Perhaps…..Then what? ]It is also possible that the magazine’s survey was done on the time when domestic cheeses are fashionable.[和上面一样，是不是应该进一步再说明一下，因为fashionable, 所以销量好.] From all these I mentioned above could lead the author’s recommendation seemed groundless.
Finally, even if the reasons have been proved that recent increasing preference for domestic cheeses[感觉这句话的句子结构不太对劲，正常应该是 even if the reason that recent increasing preference for domestic cheese have been proved], I still can not agree with the result that the company could improve profit by cut off the stocking imported cheese. It may be right [for that] the company will reduce expense by limiting inventory. Yet the author overlooks the disadvantage of it. As it is widely known, people’s taste changes quickly, it is possible they like domestic cheeses today but prefer imported cheeses tomorrow. So it is hard to make a long-term decision which one will definitely be a favorite in future.[这回有分析了后的说明了]
In sum, the argument is not well supported. To bolster it the author must provides specific evidence that including newest cheese store other stores [改为excluding newest store, other stores 是不是更好些？]also have a good selling-performance. To better assess the strength of the recommendation I would need more information about the demographic profile of the survey’s respondents. It would also be helpful to make a short-term plan for the company based on the latest taste for cheeses.[这句话出现的有些突然，前面没有做相应的铺垫，如果要说的话建议在上一段的结尾加一句作为铺垫]
结构很清晰，开头结尾很简明，不过各段落的分析不够深入，段落之间以及段落内部缺少连接词，有少量语法错误，剩下的在上面已经详细标出，由于本人水平有限，有批改不当之处请指出。加油！
发表于 2006-12-16 00:03:59
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