Argument147 【CSMY作文互改小组】第一次作业

lonixUID: 2202232

Althoughthe sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past twoyears, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this salestrend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game playerswhat features they thought were most important in a video game.According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelikegraphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind hasjust introduced several such games with an extensive advertisingcampaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group mostlikely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales ofWhirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the nextfew months.

(words578)In the statement the arguer concludes that the sales trend of video games in Whirlwind company would have to be reversal after two years' declination. To support this conclusion, the arguer cites asurvey which implemented in recent days to ask the video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video games.Based on this survey the arguer assumes that if they embed lifelike graphics into the video games and introduce such games with anextensive advertising campaign the sales would be likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. The arguer's statement isproblematic in several respects, rendering the statements unconvincing as it stands.


The statement's chief problem is that it relies on numerous unsubstantial assumptions about the recent survey. One such assumption is that the declination of Whirlwind company's sales was probably attributable to the fact that the games didn't introduce into the lifelike features which were thought to be most important. Yet logic and common sense informs me that the result might have been due instead to one or more factors. Perhaps it is the expensive price and high computer requirement that make game players shrink back at the sight. Or perhaps other like products with more human-oriented characters andlower price render them more predominant and competitive in the video game market. Moreover, it is uncertain that whether the surveyedpeople really play video games. Maybe they know little about and evenplay no video games at all and take it for granted that the gamess hould be lifelike according to their false analogy to their familiar things, for instance, cartoons, which have the same characteristics as video games. Without considering and ruling out such possibility,the arguer cannot justifiably conclude that the sales would increase in next few month.


Assuming that the surveyed people are all video-game player and they actuallyplay Whirlwind company's video games, the reliability of this surveyis still questionable. Because the survey provides no exact number ofthe recipients,  it is unreasonable to conclude that the sales in Whirlwind company would increase. It is entirely possible that the amount of people accepting survey arevery little, as well as most of them not telling the truth. Thus the reliability of the author's claim that the sales of Whirlwind company in the coming months would be reversal depends on an elaborative survey that the arguer does not provide.


Even if the arguer provides abundant information about the surveyed peopleand the survey itself, it is still hard to convince us that the introduced extensive advertising campaign directed at people at 10 to 25 years old should win him a great number of game players. We have absolute reason to believe that the Whirlwind company must have introduced similar advertising campaign to promote  video-game sales,but there is no evidence supporting that such strategy can play an important role in reversing the atrophic situation. Therefore, the extent which the Whirlwind company should extend his advertising campaign to is not the main reason, in order to promote the sales,the whirlwind company should pay more attention to other more affected reasons.


In conclusion, the argument is unpersuasive as it stands. To convince methat the sales of Whirlwind company would be reversal, the arguermust provide more evidence about the representativeness of the survey, and that it is actually the lifelike graphics and extensive advertising campaign rather than other factors result in promotion of video-game sales.   

[ 本帖最后由 lonix 于 2006-12-31 21:37 编辑 ]

leonardowangUID: 2285975

In the statement the arguerconcludes that the sales trend of video games in Whirlwind companywould have to be reversal after two years' declination. （个人觉得reversal用在这里有点别扭）To support thisconclusion, the arguer cites a survey which implemented in recent daysto ask the video-game players what features they thought were mostimportant in a video games.Based on this survey the arguer assumes thatif they embed lifelike graphics into the video games and introduce suchgames with an extensive advertising campaign the sales would be likelyto increase dramatically in the next few months.（复述题目还可更简练些） The arguer's statementis problematic in several respects, rendering the statementsunconvincing as it stands.（句子结尾的同位语似乎和主句的主语不一致）


The statement's chiefproblem is that it relies on numerous unsubstantial assumptions aboutthe recent survey. One such assumption is that the declination ofWhirlwind company's sales was probably attributable to the fact thatthe games didn't introduce into the lifelike features which werethought to be most important. Yet logic and common sense informs methat the result might have been due instead to one or more factors.Perhaps it is the expensive price and high computer requirement thatmake game players shrink back at the sight.（“望而生畏”这个词组真不错，学到了：）） Or perhaps other likeproducts with more human-oriented characters andlower price render themmore predominant and competitive in the video game market.（like不能用作形容词） Moreover, itis uncertain that whether the surveyedpeople really play video games.（这一点在题目中已说调查者是游戏玩家的）Maybe they know little about and evenplay no video games at all andtake it for granted that the games should be lifelike according totheir false analogy to their familiar things, for instance, cartoons,which have the same characteristics as video games. Without consideringand ruling out such possibility,the arguer cannot justifiably concludethat the sales would increase in next few month.


Assuming that the surveyedpeople are all video-game player and they actuallyplay Whirlwindcompany's video games, the reliability of this surveyis stillquestionable. （让步）Because the survey provides no exact number oftherecipients,  it is unreasonable to conclude that the sales in Whirlwindcompany would increase. Itis entirely possible that the amount of people accepting survey areverylittle, as well as most of them not telling the truth. Thus thereliability of the author's claim that the sales of Whirlwind companyin the coming months would be reversal depends on an elaborative surveythat the arguer does not provide.（句末的that从句貌似不用）


Even if the arguer providesabundant information about the surveyed peopleand the survey itself, itis still hard to convince us that the introduced extensive advertisingcampaign directed at people at 10 to 25 years old should win him agreat number of game players. We have absolute reason to believe thatthe Whirlwind company must have introduced similar advertising campaignto promote  video-game sales（这点题目中已经说了,就不用believe了）,but there is no evidence supporting thatsuch strategy can play an important role in reversing the atrophicsituation.（最好能展开说下广告未必有用的原因） Therefore, the extent which the Whirlwind company shouldextend his advertising campaign to is not the main reason, in order topromote the sales,the whirlwind company should pay more attention toother more affected reasons.（这里我觉得用reason不太好,factor好点）


In conclusion, the argumentis unpersuasive as it stands. To convince methat the sales of Whirlwindcompany would be reversal, the arguermust provide more evidence aboutthe representativeness of the survey, and that it is actually thelifelike graphics and extensive advertising campaign rather than otherfactors result in promotion of video-game sales.

小结:
楼主文章内容丰富，长句也比较多，看来是有一定基础的。在用词和句式上都比我老练阿
建议加上提纲，规范格式。开头段稍显臃肿，在批驳段的顺序问题上，我觉得如果把一二两段交换一下，先攻击调查的样本问题，再攻击调查的结论的错误，似乎更顺一些。
初次改文，一定有不少谬误。有任何想法，请与我交流:handshake:D




[ 本帖最后由 leonardowang 于 2007-1-1 01:05 编辑 ]

lonixUID: 2202232

In the statement the arguer concludes that the sales trend of video games in Whirlwind companywould have to be reversal after two years' declination. （个人觉得reversal用在这里有点别扭）To support thisconclusion, the arguer cites a survey which implemented in recent daysto ask the video-game players what features they thought were mostimportant in a video games.Based on this survey the arguer assumes thatif they embed lifelike graphics into the video games and introduce suchgames with an extensive advertising campaign the sales would be likelyto increase dramatically in the next few months.（复述题目还可更简练些））（同一你的观点，我会在以后的arguments中尽量提炼的）
The arguer's statement is problematic in several respects, rendering the statementsunconvincing as it stands.（句子结尾的同位语似乎和主句的主语不一致 （这句话我市套用别人的范文的结果，rendering 的主语应该是前面一整句话）

The statement's chief problem is that it relies on numerous unsubstantial assumptions about the recent survey. One such assumption is that the declination of Whirlwind company's sales was probably attributable to the fact that the games didn't introduce into the lifelike features which werethought to be most important. Yet logic and common sense informs methat the result might have been due instead to one or more factors.Perhaps it is the expensive price and high computer requirement that make game players shrink back at the sight.（“望而生畏”这个词组真不错，学到了：）） Or perhaps other like products （这个我可以肯定在词典上可以查到） with more human-oriented characters and lower price render them more predominant and competitive in the video game market.（like不能用作形容词） Moreover, it is uncertain that whether the surveyed people really play video games.（这一点在题目中已说调查者是游戏玩家的）（这句我到真是没有仔细看题目，真是该死，竟然犯这样低级的错误）Maybe they know little about and even play no video games at all and take it for granted that the games should be lifelike according to their false analogy to their familiar things, for instance, cartoons,which have the same characteristics as video games. Without considering and ruling out such possibility,the arguer cannot justifiably conclude that the sales would increase in next few month.


Assuming that the surveyed people are all video-game player and they actually play Whirlwindcompany's video games, the reliability of this surveyis still questionable. （让步）Because the survey provides no exact number of the recipients,  it is unreasonable to conclude that the sales in Whirlwindcompany would increase. It is entirely possible that the amount of people accepting survey are very little, as well as most of them not telling the truth. Thus the reliability of the author's claim that the sales of Whirlwind company in the coming months would be reversal depends on an elaborative survey that the arguer does not provide.（句末的that从句貌似不用）（谢谢你的指出，我到真是不知道还有这种规定）


Even if the arguer provides abundant information about the surveyed people and the survey itself, itis still hard to convince us that the introduced extensive advertising campaign directed at people at 10 to 25 years old should win him agreat number of game players. We have absolute reason to believe that the Whirlwind company must have introduced similar advertising campaign to promote  video-game sales in his earlier market strategy (我想说的是更早一点的市场营销策略中，忘记写关键的时间了) （这点题目中已经说了,就不用believe了）,but there is no evidence supporting that such strategy can play an important role in reversing the atrophic situation.（最好能展开说下广告未必有用的原因）（你说得对，这里应该加几个也许来说明广告未必有用的原因的） Therefore, the extent which the Whirlwind company should extend his advertising campaign to is not the main reason, in order to promote the sales,the whirlwind company should pay more attention to other more affected reasons.（这里我觉得用reason不太好,factor好点）


In conclusion, the argument is unpersuasive as it stands. To convince me that the sales of Whirlwindcompany would be reversal, the arguermust provide more evidence about the representativeness of the survey, and that it is actually the lifelike graphics and extensive advertising campaign rather than otherfactors result in promotion of video-game sales.

小结:
楼主文章内容丰富，长句也比较多，看来是有一定基础的。在用词和句式上都比我老练阿
建议加上提纲，规范格式。开头段稍显臃肿，在批驳段的顺序问题上，我觉得如果把一二两段交换一下，先攻击调查的样本问题，再攻击调查的结论的错误，似乎更顺一些。
初次改文，一定有不少谬误。有任何想法，请与我交流:handshake:D