Issue154 【CSMY作文互改小组】第一次作业

浮华如烟UID: 113618

TOPIC: ISSUE154 - "Both parents and communities must be involved in the local schools. Education is too important to leave solely to a group of professional educators."
WORDS: 712          TIME: 1:20:51          DATE: 2006-12-31

观点：反对
提纲：
1、不可否认，学生的学习及受教育的过程不仅仅是在教室内完成的，家长以及学生所在的社区所起的作用也很重要。
2、让学生家长以及社区来参加到学生的教育中会带来一些难以解决的问题。
3、即便是为了配合学校的教学，也有其他更好更可行的方法来取代。

As ancient Greek philosopher Plato once said, "Better be unborn than untaught, for ignorance is the root of misfortune." Nowadays, no one can deny the fact that education serves as the powerful catalyst for the development of science and technology. In my view, it is true that education given by both parents and communities plays a significant role in one's life, however, this does not mean that it is necessary for them to participate in the local schools.

Admittedly, one's education does not merely include his or her study on class or just receiving a large amount of knowledge and information imparted by teachers but also require the basic and primal education before school age brought by one's parent and the cooperation and support from one's communities to provide some pragmatic experience. Obviously, compared with stuffing with an indigestible mass of material and somewhat hidebound doctrines, inspiring students to some extracurricular and social practice would be a more efficient means to promote their life skills and moral values such as creative problem solving , interpersonal skills and personal responsibility to the communities. Also the education from parents should be taken into account. It has been said that parents is the best teacher in one's life. Before a child go to school to take the formal education, his or her parents inevitably serve as a dual role-parents and teacher. There is no substitute to such role in this term. For instance, parents must ensure their children are properly dressed, on time and actually behaving themselves in the classrooms. From this perspective, education carried out by parents would be a useful supplement to the professional education. Briefly, one's education needs the association of both the education in class and after class.

However, adoption of the suggestion that both parents and communities should be involved in professional classroom would bring out a host of problems such as interruption of the normal teaching curriculums and disarrangement of school discipline. Although allowing parents to participate in the formal education would be a good help for children to find out what they really want to learn and help to provide a comfortable environment, such measure could also stem some detrimental values such as apartness from others for parents always consider their children first. Also when students have some minds to share with others, they would naturally communicate with their own parents at the first instance. Furthermore, some professional and expert class needs skilled educational methods. Without training, parents have no capability to teach their children, or at least, cannot cultivate their children efficiently. If this is the case, there is no doubt that the normal teaching discipline would be disarranged and in thus impart the normal run of local schools. In a word, we cannot lose sight of such potential outcome that such suggestion would bring out.

As for factors contributing to the aim of education in moral and practical skill, they include many apart from sharing the formal classroom with parents, such as termly inviting some parents to provide idea or advice for schools' educator to choose and adopt, organising students to take part in the communities duties frequently, or inspiring children to do some house work appropriately and so on. Only serve as an element in his or her communities with passion can one really know the responsibilities one should assume for his or her communities. Similarly, do some housework for students' parents would conduce to cultivate a harmonious relationship and in thus promote the moral education of students--not merely provide some opportunities to practise. Such means would be more effective than invite parents and communities directly to attend the teaching plans. In short, there are many more effective and efficient solutions to promote the education in schools besides permission for the parents and communities to the local schools teaching.

In sum, by carefully evaluating this statement and the aim of the real education we strive for, i ,as a member of this society, will be more aware of the real value of education. Therefore, the main goal of education, and the way we implemented, by serve as a member in home and society with the professional education in local schools, will lead us to a more harmonious and comprehensive understanding of the meanings of our lives.




提纲作业稍候补上～～

[ 本帖最后由 浮华如烟 于 2007-1-1 02:44 编辑 ]

yiran27UID: 2201423

As ancient Greek philosopher Plato once said, "Better be unborn than untaught, for ignorance is the root of misfortune." Nowadays, no one can deny the fact that education serves as the[a] powerful catalyst for the development of science and technology. In my view, it is true that education given by both parents and communities plays a significant role in one's life, however, this does not mean that it is necessary for them to participate in the local schools. [it is的句型在本句中过于频繁，加上this does共有三处类似的用法，可尝试其他句型]

Admittedly, one's education does not merely include his or her study on class or just receiving a large amount of knowledge and information imparted by teachers but also require the basic and primal education before school age brought by one's parent and the cooperation and support from one's communities to provide some pragmatic experience[总觉得这句话不是很通，社区提供经验？或许改称体共获得实际经验的舞台比较好]. Obviously, compared with stuffing with an indigestible mass of material and somewhat hidebound doctrines, inspiring students to some extracurricular and social practice would be a more efficient means to promote their life skills and moral values such as creative problem solving, interpersonal skills and personal responsibility to the communities. Also the education from parents should be taken into account. It has been said that parents[不加s，或者后面改成复数] is the best teacher in one's life. Before a child go[es] to school to take the formal education, his or her parents inevitably serve as a dual role-parents and teacher. There is no substitute to[for] such role in this term. For instance, parents must ensure their children are properly dressed, on time and actually behaving themselves in the classrooms. From this perspective, education carried out by parents would be a useful supplement to the professional education. Briefly, one's education needs the association of both the education in class and after class.

However, adoption of the suggestion that both parents and communities should be involved in professional classroom would bring out a host of problems such as interruption of the normal teaching curriculums and disarrangement of school discipline. Although allowing parents to participate in the formal education would be a good help for children to find out what they really want to learn and help to provide a comfortable environment, such measure could also stem[我查字典好像没有这么用的，是不是我太孤陋寡闻，组长指教哈] some detrimental values such as apartness from others for parents always consider their children first. Also when students have some minds to share with others, they would naturally communicate with their own parents at the first instance[辞典上好像是用in]. Furthermore, some professional and expert class needs skilled educational methods. Without training, parents have no capability to teach their children, or at least, cannot cultivate their children efficiently. If this is the case, there is no doubt that the normal teaching discipline would be disarranged and in thus impart the normal run of local schools. In a word, we cannot lose sight of such potential outcome that such suggestion would bring out.

As for factors contributing to the aim of education in moral and practical skill, they include many apart from sharing the formal classroom with parents, such as timely inviting some parents to provide idea or advice for schools' educator to choose and adopt, organising students to take part in the communities duty frequently, or inspiring children to do some house work appropriately and so on. Only serve as an element in his or her communities with passion can one really know the responsibilities one should assume for his or her communities. Similarly, do some housework for students' parents would conduce to cultivate a harmonious relationship and in thus promote the moral education of students--not merely provide some opportunities to practise. Such means would be more effective than invite parents and communities to attend the teaching plans. In short, there are many more effective and efficient solutions to promote the education in schools besides permission for the parents and communities to the local schools teaching.

In sum, by carefully evaluating this statement and the aim of the real education we strive for, i ,as a member of this society, will be more aware of the real value of education. Therefore, the main goal of education, and the way we implemented, by serve as a member in home and society with the professional education in local schools[我没看懂是修饰那个部分], will lead us to [have] a more harmonious and comprehensive understanding of the meanings of our lives.[最后一句话似乎有多处主语不一致]
这个题目理解关键在于involved in the local schools到底指的是什么程度的involved，lz认为是sharing the formal classroom with parents,而我的文章认为是参与到教学活动而不是一定sharing classroom，大家可以探讨一下。
总的说来，让我第一次改组长的文章，实在是难度有点大，初看下来我觉得不是我在改，而是学习，学习一些经典的用词和句法。我觉得组长给我的指点，远比我做的多，所以查了n多字典才找了一些不知道是不是问题的问题哈！！明天早上奋战argument

[ 本帖最后由 yiran27 于 2007-1-1 00:56 编辑 ]

浮华如烟UID: 113618

谢谢你的建议：）很有用
明天贴出修改版

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

感觉开头两句跟文章没多大关系, 或者说这两句跟后面提出观点的句子之间没有衔接

lyuzheUID: 2273307

As ancient Greek philosopher Plato once said, "Better be unborn than untaught, for ignorance is the root of misfortune." Nowadays, no one can deny the fact that education serves as the powerful catalyst for the development of science and technology. In my view, it is true that education given by both parents and communities plays a significant role in one's life, however, this does not mean that it is necessary for them to participate in the local schools.

Admittedly, one's education does not merely include his or her study on class or just receiving【应改为receive】 a large amount of knowledge and information imparted by teachers but also require[应改为requires] the basic and primal education[组长，我觉得这句话有点问题，简化来说就成了 one’s education requires education .有重复之疑]  before school age brought by one's parent[应改为parents]  and the cooperation and support from one's communities to provide some pragmatic experience. Obviously, compared with stuffing with an indigestible mass of material and somewhat hidebound doctrines, inspiring students to some extracurricular and social practice would be a more efficient means to promote their life skills and moral values such as creative problem solving, interpersonal skills and personal responsibility to the communities. Also the education from parents should be taken into account. It has been said that parents is the best teacher in one's life. Before a child go to school to take the formal education, his or her parents inevitably serve as a dual role-parents and teacher[个人认为改为parents as well as teachers 更能表达“父母还充当老师的角色”的意思]. There is no substitute to such role in this term. For instance, parents must ensure their children are properly dressed[应改为ensure their children to be properly dressed], on time and actually behaving[应改为to behave] themselves in the classrooms. [这个例子个人认为不太合适，请组长指点] From this perspective, education carried out by parents would be a useful supplement to the professional education. Briefly, one's education needs the association of both the education in class and after class. [还是觉得重复的问题改为这样有没好一些：one’s education needs the association of parents and communities as well as professional educators either in class or after class].

However, adoption of the suggestion that both parents and communities should be involved in professional classroom would bring out a host of problems such as interruption of the normal teaching curriculums and disarrangement of school discipline. Although allowing parents to participate in the formal education would be a good help for children to find out what they really want to learn and help to provide a comfortable environment, [to 是不是用太多了？] such measure could also stem some detrimental values such as apartness from others for parents always consider their children first. Also when students have some minds to share with others, they would naturally communicate with their own parents at the first instance. Furthermore, some professional and expert class needs skilled educational methods. Without training, parents have no capability to teach their children, or at least, cannot cultivate their children efficiently. If this is the case, there is no doubt that the normal teaching discipline would be disarranged and in thus impart the normal run of local schools. In a word, we cannot lose sight of such potential outcome that such suggestion would bring out.

As for factors contributing to the aim of education in moral and practical skill, they include many apart from sharing the formal classroom with parents, such as timely inviting some parents to provide idea or advice for schools' educator to choose and adopt, organizing students to take part in the communities duty frequently, or inspiring children to do some house work appropriately and so on. Only serve[应改为by serving] as an element in his or her communities with passion can one really know[应改为knows] the responsibilities one should assume for his or her communities. Similarly, do some housework for students' parents would conduce to cultivate a harmonious relationship and in thus promote the moral education of students--not merely provide some opportunities to practice. Such means would be more effective than invite parents and communities to attend the teaching plans. In short, there are many more effective and efficient solutions to promote the education in schools besides permission for the parents and communities to the local schools teaching.

In sum, by carefully evaluating this statement and the aim of the real education we strive for, I ,as a member of this society, will be more aware of the real value of education. Therefore, the main goal of education, and the way we implemented, by serve[应改为serving]  as a member in home and society with the professional education in local schools, will lead us to a more harmonious and comprehensive understanding of the meanings of our lives.


组长你好，看下来感觉整体思路很清晰，而我的论证思路就很模糊。我还不知道怎样采取正确地逻辑方法进行话题讨论。读完以后感觉提示不少。而且您的文章里好多用语很地道，值得学习，我的修改也不知对否，希望我们共同讨论，也想向你讨教

浮华如烟UID: 113618

原帖由 lastangel 于 2007-1-1 02:55 发表
感觉开头两句跟文章没多大关系, 或者说这两句跟后面提出观点的句子之间没有衔接

嘿嘿，可能是没衔接好吧
提干中说采取那样措施的理由是教育太重要了
所以我开头让步式的强调了教育是很重要

siyuandingUID: 2154137

As ancient Greek philosopher Plato once said, "Better be unborn than untaught, for ignorance is the root of misfortune." Nowadays, no one can deny the fact that education serves as the powerful catalyst for the development of science and technology. In my view, it is true that education given by both parents and communities plays a significant role in one's life, however, this does not mean that it is necessary for them to participate in the local schools.

Admittedly, one's education does not merely include his or her study on[in] class or just receiving a large amount of knowledge and information imparted by teachers but also require the basic and primal education before school age brought by one's parent[parents] and the cooperation and support from one's communities to provide some pragmatic experience. Obviously, compared with stuffing[being stuffed] with an indigestible mass of material and somewhat hidebound doctrines, inspiring students to some extracurricular and social practice would be a more efficient means to promote their life skills and moral values such as creative problem solving , interpersonal skills and personal responsibility to the communities. [连续两个超长句都解释了communities的好，而且还是在段首，老外会看晕的，是不是里面加个短句，显得句子错落有致]Also the education from parents should be taken into account. It has been said that parents is the best teacher[are teachers] in one's life. Before a child go to school to take the formal education, his or her parents inevitably serve as a dual role-parents and teacher[serve a dual role as parents and teachers]. There is no substitute to such role in this term. For instance, parents must ensure their children are properly dressed, on time and actually behaving themselves in the classrooms. From this perspective, education carried out by parents would be a useful supplement to the professional education. Briefly, one's education needs the association of both the education in class and after class.

However, adoption of the suggestion that both parents and communities should be involved in professional classroom would bring out a host of problems such as interruption of the normal teaching curriculums and disarrangement of school discipline. Although allowing parents to participate in the formal education would be a good help for children to find out what they really want to learn and help to provide a comfortable environment, such measure could also stem[bring about 有stem values一说，但此stem作主要解] some detrimental values such as apartness from others for parents always consider their children first. Also when students have some minds[ideas或者thoughts] to share with others, they would naturally communicate with their own parents at[in “at the first instance”是初审的意思] the first instance. Furthermore, some professional and expert class needs skilled educational methods. Without training, parents have no capability to teach their children, or at least, cannot cultivate their children efficiently. If this is the case, there is no doubt that the normal teaching discipline would be disarranged and in thus impart the normal run of local schools. In a word, we cannot lose sight of such potential outcome[hazards] that such suggestion would bring out.

As for[去as for] factors contributing to the aim of education in moral and practical skill, they[去they] include many apart from sharing the formal classroom with parents, such as termly inviting some parents to provide idea[ideas] or advice for schools' educator to choose and adopt, organising students to take part in the communities duties frequently, or inspiring children to do some house work appropriately and so on. Only serve[serving] as an element[member] in his or her communities with passion can one really know the responsibilities one should assume for his or her communities. Similarly, do[doing] some housework for students' parents would conduce to cultivate a harmonious relationship and in[去in] thus promote the moral education of students--not merely provide some opportunities to practise. Such means would be more effective than invite parents and communities directly to attend the teaching plans. In short, there are many more effective and efficient solutions to promote the education in schools besides permission for the parents and communities to the local schools teaching.
[第三段的理由严重不赞同，同意二楼同学的说法，参与education就是sharing classroom吗]

In sum, by carefully evaluating this statement and the aim of the real education we strive for, i ,as a member of this society, will be more aware of the real value of education[句子的逻辑有点问题，评价教育的目的有助于领悟教育的价值吗？我不知道目的和价值有什么区别]. Therefore,[前面可加profound understanding of ，句子是通顺了，但这样一来就跟前面重了，你还要斟酌一下结尾段的写法] main goal of education, and the way we implemented[it], by serve[serving] as a member in home and society with the professional education in local schools, will lead us to a more harmonious[society] and comprehensive understanding of the meanings of our lives.

[先说观点，用“奇”来形容毫不过分，刚一看到你的观点很惊讶，我便怀着一种崇敬的眼光去看你的作文，结果你第三段的论证却让我非常失望。追求标新立异似乎可以取悦阅卷老师，但效果并非其然，如果碰到一个变态老师的话。这样的写法有时都会让写作高手感到力不从心，更何况，你能保证篇篇标新立异吗。像这样“不仅仅”—因含混而难以辩驳的题目，我们最好同意。这恐怕是本文最大的问题。
还有就是，通篇没有一个非常具体的例子，我不要求你像我一样段段有例子，但至少来一个吧。In fact,as a good writor, you can not be too SPECIFIC.:)
其他都很好，可以看得出，你有扎实的写作功底，转折递进的结构，流畅的语句，变换的句式，特别是一些词用得很精妙，让我见识了，不愧是我们的大组长]

[ 本帖最后由 siyuanding 于 2007-1-2 04:21 编辑 ]

staroceanUID: 2271193

As ancient Greek philosopher Plato once said, "Better be unborn than untaught, for ignorance is the root of misfortune." （觉得其实放在后面说这个更好）Nowadays, no one can deny the fact that education serves as the powerful catalyst for the development of science and technology. In my view, it is true that education given by both parents and communities plays a significant role in one's life, however, this does not mean that it is necessary for them to participate in the local schools.

Admittedly, one's education does not merely include his or her (one's)study on class or just receiving a large amount of knowledge and information imparted by teachers but also require the basic and primal education before school age brought by one's parent and the cooperation and support from one's communities to provide some pragmatic experience. Obviously, compared with stuffing with an indigestible mass of material and somewhat hidebound doctrines, inspiring students to some extracurricular and social practice would be a more efficient means to promote their life skills and moral values such as creative problem solving , interpersonal skills and personal responsibility to the communities. Also the education from parents should be taken into account. It has been said that parents is the best teacher in one's life. Before a child go to school to take the formal education, his or her parents inevitably serve as a dual role-parents and teacher. There is no substitute to such role in this term. For instance, parents must ensure their children are properly dressed, on time and actually behaving themselves in the classrooms(觉得这一段举的例子只有这几个很少呢，其实如果想说因为学生需要的不仅是课堂上的，还有课外的教育，所以需要家长社区的参与应该有很多可以举的例子呢。). From this perspective, education carried out by parents would be a useful supplement to the professional education. Briefly, one's education needs the association of both the education in class and after class.

However, adoption of the suggestion that both parents and communities should be involved in professional classroom would bring out a host of problems such as interruption of the normal teaching curriculums and disarrangement of school discipline.（这里的主题句没有包括我后面我划线的句子呢，应该加上） Although allowing parents to participate in the formal education would be a good help for children to find out what they really want to learn and help to provide a comfortable environment, such measure could also stem some detrimental values such as apartness from others for parents always consider their children first. Also when students have some minds to share with others, they would naturally communicate with their own parents at the first instance. Furthermore, some professional and expert class needs skilled educational methods. Without training, parents have no capability to teach their children, or at least, cannot cultivate their children efficiently. If this is the case, there is no doubt that the normal teaching discipline would be disarranged and in thus impart the normal run of local schools. In a word, we cannot lose sight of such potential outcome that such suggestion would bring out.（这一段全是说家长哦。）

As for factors contributing to the aim of education in moral and practical skill, they include many apart from sharing the formal classroom with parents, such as termly inviting some parents to provide idea or advice for schools' educator to choose and adopt, organising students to take part in the communities duties frequently, or inspiring children to do some house work appropriately and so on. Only serve as an element in his or her communities with passion can one really know the responsibilities one should assume for his or her communities. Similarly, do some housework for students' parents would conduce to cultivate a harmonious relationship and in thus promote the moral education of students--not merely provide some opportunities to practise. Such means would be more effective than invite parents and communities directly to attend the teaching plans. In short, there are many more effective and efficient solutions to promote the education in schools besides permission for the parents and communities to the local schools teaching.

In sum, by carefully evaluating this statement and the aim of the real education we strive for, i ,as a member of this society, will be more aware of the real value of education. Therefore, the main goal of education, and the way we implemented, by serve as a member in home and society with the professional education in local schools, will lead us to a more harmonious and comprehensive understanding of the meanings of our lives.

恩语言当然很厉害呢，其他的结构上也没有问题。但是我觉得思路似乎有一点奇怪。

你的提纲：
似乎三段都是针对家长和社区的，对孩子的整体教育，尤其是课外的是有好处的，但是参与进具体的课程安排等就会出现问题，最后是说应该通过让孩子参加社区活动，完成家里的作业等教育孩子。

1。我总觉得和题目联系不是那么紧密，至少题目有一整句话说，不能完全留给职业教育者的，所以不管是反对也好支持也好，是不是应该至少说说留给职业教育者会怎么样呢？比如你的第一段，说家长和社区应该参与进来，应该多说几句，不能完全留给职业教育者这样更好一点吧。总觉得似乎全文就没怎么提职业教育者自己干行还是不行。

2。另外，我觉得题目说，应该参与进学校，而你写的时候似乎把这个概念细化了，分成课上课下以及最后一段的课上课下结合。我个人觉得其实最后一段你写的什么结合感觉还是其实是参与进学校了，那么立论的时候，干脆立成应该参与，但警告过度，然后再细分不好吗？而且第一段说学校以外家长和社区对于教育很重要，感觉也和题目不是很密切，题目不是说要不要参与吗，学校外重不重要和参与不参与进来有什么关系呢？不过我倒是觉得楼上说的什么进入教室不是问题呢，可以放在细分里面，其实我觉得还是先说当然不能完全交给职业教育者，家长社区参与是有好处的，但是警告过度，如果连教室或者什么课程安排都进来了就不好了，最后说最好的参与应该是。。。这样看起来就清楚一些了。

不过也可能我没看明白啦，但是哥哥最好还是再看看我说的这两个呢，我觉得可能有一点问题。
哥哥要加油哦，很想看新的文呢。呵呵。

[ 本帖最后由 starocean 于 2007-1-22 02:20 编辑 ]

staroceanUID: 2271193

怕你看不见，顶起来

果小冻UID: 208370

我也帮你顶起来。;d:
都是赞语哦

果小冻UID: 208370

我一没有能力给你看了
虽然一直很想可以帮帮你。
但是可以逗你开心呀。哈哈哈哈
为了让你看到，写在你贴子里。别怪我哦