issue185 {长征队}丑闻的，写得好像有些跑题，大家帮忙看看，谢谢

smailingfishUID: 2246243

ISSUE185"Scandals—whether in politics, academia, or other areas—can be useful. They focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could."
Position: basically agree. Some become famous while some are ignored.
Reasons:
1.学术领域：黄禹锡
2.经济领域：安达信
3.不一定所有的丑闻都是有用的；贝尔实验室；小官员可能就不会引起太多的注意

It is almost obviously that a scandal could be helpful for people to see our world and society from a new angle. In most cases, it servers as an incomparable bell tolling for the committers while alarming for the victims and public. Some scandals, however, tend to be ignored and receive no echo which reduces its “sound”.

One of the biggest scandal in scientific field, for example, was committed by South Korea’s star cloner Hwang woo Suk who claimed in his published paper to have extracted the first embryonic stem cells form adult human tissue and was named “man mattered 2004” by Time magazine. Were it not because of untrustworthy, this will really be a marvelous progress in the scientific realm and even human history. However, fabricated data in his research consumed the future of Hwang woo Suk and made Hwang’s entire effort amount to nothing. Worse still, this scandal damage not only public perceptions of stem cell research, but science’s image as a whole. But fortunately this shocking incident, just likes a most skilled teacher that no one could compare, emphasis the public to be more skepticism and the scientist to be more responsible which account for a healthy attitude toward science. Although the climate of mistrust is stranger than ever, once we are told where the mistake is, we will get recovered soon and perform better in the long term.

When it comes to the realm of economy, accounting firm Arthur Anderson is till a nightmare for more than 20,000 of its employers who have no choice but to quit the job when Arthur Anderson was found guilty in the court. This scandal was a heavy blow both to the company and the economy. Having paid a heavy penalty, the company only found itself became a vacant shell with clients deserted and employees fled leading to the death of Arthur Anderson. The stock market was tumbling to its lowest level which was tied to the lack of confidence in corporate America. This financial scandal drew attention from every corner of the world. Victims were crying, customers were bewildering, investors were watching, editors were commenting, and people wondering. All the eyes were upon the financial system and even the government. They couldn’t help thinking and exploring the reasons.

Sometimes, however, the scandal loses its power to draw a large span of public concern, especially when it happens in some relatively “cold” fields in which the mass media do not show much interest. For instance, several years before Hwang’s scandal, another fraud had been established by Jan Hendrik Schön when working in Bell Laboratories. It is reported that Schön fabricated even more papers than Hwang did. Strangely only a few people knew Schon’s scandal just because it was committed in material fields which tend to have a lower public profile than cloning. In fact, it is the less concern about material field that contribute to the less popular of Schon’s scandal, even some scientists think that maybe Schon’s mistake is somehow bigger that that of Hwang. Again, if a small officer keeps an immoral sexual relationship with one of his staff, it will certainly be a highly suspected statement that the offer, just like Bill Clinton, could attract public concern. Instead, it may well be that even the local newspaper consider it not worth publishing and local residents just behavior as nothing have happened. In this sense, we should also take other elements such as the committer of a scandal, and the field connecting with the incident when we taking about the scandal’s influence. If it is happened in a field where have much publicity, the scandal will definitely be a shocking incident.

Maybe it is hard to say a scandal is “good” since we don’t want to see any occurrence of a scandal because it means some one has made a rather serious mistake. Once it happens, it always becomes the focus of attention and all that we have to decide is perhaps what to learn from the lessons. In this sense, the scandal is good indeed. But at the same time, not all the scandals draw wide attention and the power of scandals should not be overestimated.

这个题目写得相当郁闷，本来昨晚打算写的，结果自己一点概念都没有，于是花了一中午的时间搜索找了两个例子
好像有些跑题，太多的话来说例子了，可是不说例子又感觉自己的分析和语言有太苍白无力
耗时将近3个小时，700字整~~ 汗~~
多谢大家猛拍！

[ 本帖最后由 smailingfish 于 2007-1-12 18:51 编辑 ]

nostrumUID: 2124189

It is almost obviously that a scandal could be helpful for people to see our world and society from a new angle. In most cases, it servers as an incomparable bell tolling for the committers while alarming for the victims and public. Some scandals, however, tend to be ignored and receive no echo which reduces its “sound”. 开头能看出来语言功底不错，但是主题句写得不能算是观点明确，最好再清晰些

One of the biggest scandal in scientific field, for example, was committed by South Korea’s star cloner Hwang woo Suk who claimed in his published paper to have extracted the first embryonic stem cells form adult human tissue and was named “man mattered 2004” by Time magazine. 开头没有观点，上来就是例子，很不赞成这种写法。每段都应该是主题句开头，然后例子，分析都围绕此句展开，这样给人感觉思路很清晰。另外，建议改写这个句子，有些杂糅，而且，成份多了，语法错误难免，我们写AW的高级句子不是简单的很多意思凑在一个句子里，还要凑得合理，恰当。你看看你的这个句子，是不是有个地方主语有问题。Were it not because of untrustworthy, this will really be a marvelous progress in the scientific realm and even human history. However, fabricated data in his research consumed the future of Hwang woo Suk and made Hwang’s entire effort amount to nothing. Worse still, this scandal damage not only public perceptions of stem cell research, but science’s image as a whole. But fortunately this shocking incident, just likes a most skilled teacher that no one could compare, emphasis the public to be more skepticism and the scientist to be more responsible which account for a healthy attitude toward science. 这句话，简练下拿来作主题句挪到前面。Although the climate of mistrust is stranger than ever, once we are told where the mistake is, we will get recovered soon and perform better in the long term. 本段的问题在于有例子没有观点，文体倾向于记叙文了，危险啊

When it comes to the realm of economy, accounting firm Arthur Anderson is till a nightmare for more than 20,000 of its employers who have no choice but to quit the job when Arthur Anderson was found guilty in the court. This scandal was a heavy blow both to the company and the economy. Having paid a heavy penalty, the company only found itself became a vacant shell with clients deserted and employees fled leading to the death of Arthur Anderson. The stock market was tumbling to its lowest level which was tied to the lack of confidence in corporate America. This financial scandal drew attention from every corner of the world. Victims were crying, customers were bewildering, investors were watching, editors were commenting, and people wondering. All the eyes were upon the financial system and even the government. They couldn’t help thinking and exploring the reasons. 例子描述的这叫个精彩，但是，我们写例子是为了什么？？？为了支持论证，论证什么？我们的观点！请务必清晰的摆出自己的观点。

看了两段下来，我发现lz对主题句的定义有很大的误差，我们写的是立论文，一定要把重点定位在论证自己的观点，然后为了论证更有说服力，我们亦可借助事例的支撑。其实，对于native speaker，事例不是必须的东西，看看ETS官方范文，有的文章没有例子完全说理，但是人家论证的依然有声有色，我们需要借助例子是因为非母语的限制，千万不要让例子抢了论证的风头

Sometimes, however, the scandal loses its power to draw a large span of public concern, especially when it happens in some relatively “cold” fields in which the mass media do not show much interest. 主题句，终于出现了For instance, several years before Hwang’s scandal, another fraud had been established by Jan Hendrik Schön when working in Bell Laboratories. It is reported that Schön fabricated even more papers than Hwang did. Strangely only a few people knew Schon’s scandal just because it was committed in material fields which tend to have a lower public profile than cloning. In fact, it is the less concern about material field that contribute to the less popular of Schon’s scandal, even some scientists think that maybe Schon’s mistake is somehow bigger that that of Hwang. Again, Similarly if a small officer keeps an immoral sexual relationship with one of his staff, it will certainly be a highly suspected statement that the offer, just like Bill Clinton, could attract public concern. Instead, it may well be that even the local newspaper consider it not worth publishing and local residents just behavior as nothing have happened. In this sense, we should also take other elements such as the committer of a scandal, and the field connecting with the incident when we taking about the scandal’s influence. If it is happened in a field where have much publicity, the scandal will definitely be a shocking incident. 这段写得不错，表扬

Maybe it is hard to say a scandal is “good” since we don’t want to see any occurrence of a scandal because it means some one has made a rather serious mistake. Once it happens, it always becomes the focus of attention and all that we have to decide is perhaps what to learn from the lessons. In this sense, the scandal is good indeed. But at the same time, not all the scandals draw wide attention and the power of scandals should not be overestimated.
结尾总结得很不错

最大的问题就是摆清楚例子在我们的文章里的角色，它仅仅是一个工具而已。
本文没有偏题，但是，特别是前面两个body，重心狠狠的偏了
lz有一定的语言功底，但是不要刻意堆砌长句子。另外，3个小时时间太久了，如果这是前5篇，还可以理解。

再接再厉

smailingfishUID: 2246243

首先感谢斑竹的辛苦并且细致的修改工作及宝贵并及时地意见

我也感觉出来自己的缺点之所在了，写例子感觉还可以，可以写到论述说理的地方觉得没有多少好说的，一两句就不知道再说什么了，受母语的影响也挺大的，感觉如果我说出来老美就晕乎了，而且说教性的句子说上两句就想 上纲上线（汗），扯上民族大义国家前途世界安危，而且要命的是我几乎不知道怎么用比较地道的英语表达出来~~索性一带而过，斑竹提醒的是，应该引起注意。

smailingfishUID: 2246243

我修改了一下 开头和前两段，主题确实比改前明确了不少。不过第一段说的有两个意思：丑闻可以吸引眼球，同时也能促进进步；有些丑闻可能会引起关注，有些可能就被忽略了。开头好像有些乱的样子， 我的问题是：如果有多个主题的话，是不是在开头都要点处呢？如果都点出是不是给人感觉罗嗦和乱呢？ 也许如果主题能develop的话就会好些吧，至少有逻辑感不会觉得乱

It is almost obviously that a scandal could be helpful for people to see our world and society from a new angle. The time of the occurrence of a scandal is a time we should focus our eyes on the problem, and also a chance for the progress of a society once we can take the advantage of the scandal. In most cases, it servers as an incomparable bell tolling for the committers while alarming for the victims and public. Some scandals became world famous while others tend to be ignored and receive no echo which reduces the effectiveness of its “sound”.

The reason for the popularity of a scandal is not only because some special one has done some special things wrong but we can learn more by slowing down our peace to pay more attention to the scandal. One of the biggest scandals in scientific field, for example, was committed by South Korea’s star cloner Hwang woo Suk who claimed in his published papers to have extracted the first embryonic stem cells form adult human tissue. Were it not because of untrustworthy, this will really be a marvelous progress in the scientific realm and even human history. However, fabricated data in his research consumed the future of Hwang woo Suk and made Hwang’s entire effort amount to nothing. Worse still, this scandal damage not only public perceptions of stem cell research, but science’s image as a whole. But fortunately this shocking incident, just likes a most skilled teacher that no one could compare, emphasis the public to be more skepticism and the scientist to be more responsible which account for a healthy attitude toward science. Although the climate of mistrust is stranger than ever, once we are told where the mistake is, we will get recovered soon and perform better in the long term.

When it comes to the realm of economy, besides causing much loss of money and sorrow, a big financial scandal could be regarded as a failure adding to the built of the road to critical thinking and success. For example, accounting firm Arthur Anderson is till a nightmare for more than 20,000 of its employers who have no choice but to quit the job when Arthur Anderson was found guilty in the court. This scandal was a heavy blow both to the company and the economy. Having paid a heavy penalty, the company only found itself became a vacant shell with clients deserted and employees fled leading to the death of Arthur Anderson. The stock market was tumbling to its lowest level which was tied to the lack of confidence in corporate America. This financial scandal drew attention from every corner of the world. Victims were crying, customers were bewildering, investors were watching, editors were commenting, and people wondering. All the eyes were upon the financial system and even the government. They couldn’t help thinking and exploring the reasons, and finally find that honesty is still a most valuable virtue for business companies.

nostrumUID: 2124189

改了以后挺不错

但是“The reason for the popularity of a scandal is not only because some special one has done some special things wrong but we can learn more by slowing down our peace to pay more attention to the scandal. ”这一句，两个special太近了，换个同义词，AW里面我们经常要替换同义词的，平时注意积累。

Q1：如果有多个主题的话，是不是在开头都要点处呢？如果都点出是不是给人感觉罗嗦和乱呢？

开头点出主题是提倡的做法，但是最好同时追求简练，如果主题很多，点出比较宏观的主要的就可以，如果同等重要，功夫需要花在组织语言上了

Q2：也许如果主题能develop的话就会好些吧，至少有逻辑感不会觉得乱

后面不develop的内容前面不要写，写了就要develop

[ 本帖最后由 nostrum 于 2007-1-16 10:01 编辑 ]