issue196 0706G-自由女神作文互改小组】hema的第四次作业

hemaUID: 2190745

"Technology creates more problems than it solves, and may threaten or damage the quality of life."  

As the society is developing, technology plays an very important role in this process. Because of the technology, the world is changed so much. And our overall quality of life is enhanced that we feel more comfortable in daily time. So I do not think that technology creates more problems than it solves, moreover, I believe that the quality of the our life is improved undoubtedly by technology.

Technology changes our overall life. During the human history, we can see that the society always goes with technology. As I remembered, a very famous European tourist who was called Mako Polo once traveled to china in twelfth century. Because there were no modern vehicles such as cars, planes, ships and so an, it took him several years in journey. However we can travel from Beijing to Pairs taking only twelve hours. The transportation is improved so huge by the technology.
Our lives are more beautiful because of the technology also. Before the telephone was invented, human being can hardly communicate with their relation whom lives far away from, the only way to get in touch with them is to take a long way walking to speak to them face to face. And now we can talk to our friends   just on the phone right now no matter how far them live from. Technology makes our live more convenient. What’s more, now we can eat so many kinds of fruits whose producing area are not in local. The technology in refrigeration helps to keep the fruits away from being bad during the transport.

However, the technology brings in a lot problems and they are surely inefficient. Traffic jam is the one of them. As everyone knows, in modern city, especially in big city, more and more traffics run on the street. With the number increasing, but road do not become wider, so traffics jam and pollution of the automobile exhaust come out of the water. The traffic jam cost the time which we may spend in more important things, also it threatens the air environment what we rely on because no one can alive without the air.
The quality may be damaged by the technology. As the technology improving, more and more kinds of foods appear to people. However, not all of them are do health to people. Such as the couch potato, which some people think about as junk food. Still it may harm to our body , many people eat it because of the advertisements in TV which make people ignore the junk foods’ harm for our health.

So during the close analysis of the technology, we can see the technology can cause both good and bad effect to our life. As I judge, I believe that while the junk foods, traffic jam and other problems that technology creates would trouble us a lot, technology will improve our daily life more and more beautiful and comfortable.


因为有事，所以文章分了两次写成，希望大家帮我拍拍，谢谢

monkeydluffyUID: 2277631

As the society is developing, technology plays an very important role in this process. Because of [建议加上the development of]the technology, the world is [建议用完成时]changed so much. And our overall quality of life is enhanced that we feel more comfortable in daily time. So[这里用so 有点不太好，毕竟这只是开头你并没有进行过论证] I do not think that technology creates more problems than it solves, moreover, I believe that the quality of the our life is improved undoubtedly by technology.[前后两个分句构成递进关系么？翻成中文是，我不认为技术产生了更多的问题，而且我相信我们的生活质量因为科技而提高了，这里的more不恰当]

Technology changes our overall life. During the human history, we can see that the society [应该说the change of society]always goes with technology. As I remembered, a very famous European tourist who was called Mako Polo once[had] traveled to china[China] in [the] twelfth century. Because there were no modern vehicles such as cars, planes, ships and so an[on], it took him several years in[on] journey. However we can travel from Beijing to Pairs taking[sspending] only twelve hours. The transportation is improved so huge by the [development of]technology.
Our lives are more beautiful because of the technology also[also位置不对]. [前面一段好像也是关于life变好的哦]Before the telephone was invented, human being[beings] can hardly communicate with their relation[relatives] whom[who] lives far away from,[去掉from] the[前后是两句话，大写] only way to get in touch with them is to take a long way walking[去掉to take a long way walking] to speak to them face to face. And now we can talk to our friends[前面还是relatives这里怎么就变成friends?] just on the phone right now[去掉right now] no matter how far them live from[they live away]. Technology makes our live more convenient[重复段首句]. What’s more, now we can eat so many kinds of fruits whose producing area are not in local[看不懂]. The technology in refrigeration helps to keep the fruits away from being bad during the transport.[这里的电话例子感觉还是比较有代表性的，不过后面那个水果的例子就感觉不怎么样，好像是随便凑上去的]

However, the technology brings in a lot problems and they are surely inefficient[inefficient形容什么的？不太恰当吧]. Traffic jam is the one[the 跟one 重复] of them. As everyone knows, in modern city, especially in big city, more and more traffics run on the street[这句话感觉多余的]. With the number increasing, but road do not become wider, so traffics jam and pollution of the automobile exhaust come out of the water[不懂这句话什么意思，太chinglish了]. The traffic jam cost the time which we may spend in more important things, also it threatens the air environment what we rely on because no one can alive without the air.
The quality may be damaged by the technology. As the technology improving, more and more kinds of foods appear to people.[appear to people？是什么意思？] However, not all of them are do health [do health 不对吧]to people. Such as the couch potato, which some people think about as junk food. Still it may harm to our body , many people eat it because of the advertisements in TV which make people ignore the junk foods’ harm for our health.

So during the close analysis of the technology, we can see the technology can cause both good and bad effect to our life. As I judge, I believe that while the junk foods, traffic jam and other problems that technology creates would trouble us a lot, technology will improve our daily life more and more beautiful and comfortable.
[总体段落分布是很清楚的，但是在论证方面感觉对例子的分析不够透彻，比如说垃圾食品，就用一句harm to our body带过，根本没有指出垃圾食品到底垃圾在哪里？交通堵塞也是这样（当然这个例子没有垃圾食品好）。另外思路上有点混乱，第二段讲Technology changes our overall life.，然后第三段讲Our lives are more beautiful because of the technology，这不是重复么？在表达方面，错误有点多，很多语法问题句式问题用词问题等，大家刚开始复习水平都差不多，但是至少我感觉楼主的很多错误是失误，是不应该犯的。所以希望能够在完成后自己读一遍先。以上是我的拙见，希望能帮到你。]