Argument147 第一篇 写得不好 请指点！

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Argument147
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

DATA: 07-01-16   TIME: 01:00    WORD: 514


正文：
The sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, and the author of this editorial predicts that its sales would be increase in the next few month based on the survey of video-game players and the advertisement of the new games of Whirlwind. But this argument has several flaws which make its reasoning pale and unconvincing.

The author states that the advertising campaign has been conducted to direct at people 10 to 25 years old. But the author does not give any information about that which group is most likely to play video games. Without giving this kind of information, the author can not convince me that this advertising campaign will have useful help to increase the sales of Whirlwind. Moreover, even though, 10 to 25 years old people are the main consumers of the products, there is another problem. People in this age bracket are almost students, so they do not have enough money to buy computers, which are needed to run this kind of games. If the author does not consider these problems to obtain his conclusion, he may make him fall into a passive position.

Admittedly, with the development of society, more and more people have the opportunity to use computer. However, the author does not mention reasons why the sales declined in the past two years. It is entirely possible that the quality of video games declined in the past, so the players choose other company's products instead; or the living standard of citizens might declined in the past two years, and this depression reduced the money which is spent on the entertainments by the consumers. Moreover, the video game market might have been gradually occupied by a few big companies. There is no doubt that this tendency would affect the sales of other uncompetitive companies. All in all, without ruling out these possibilities, the author could not convince me that only through advertising campaign the sales of Whirlwind will increase in the near future.

The survey which is cited by the author also has some flaws. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, and the company also has introduced several such games. However, the author fails to consider other factors which would affect the sales of these games. Consumers may need not only lifelike graphics, but also healthy contents, original ideas, exciting scenes, etc. Only having lifelike graphics the company can not attract the consumers to buy these games. Furthermore, the survey does not refer to other company's products. It is totally possible that the products of Whirlwind have already been out of date. Without giving more detail information about the preference and other companies' products, the author can not get any reasonable conclusion from this survey.

In conclusion, the argument bases on the survey and unconvinced statement, which make its viewpoint unreasonable. In order to make the argument more persuasive, the author should offer detail information about other company's product and the real preferences of the consumer. Moreover, the reason resulting in the declination of Whirlwind's games is also needed.

fe3o4_chenUID: 2290102

The sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, and the author of this editorial predicts that its sales would be increase in the next few month based on the survey of video-game players and the advertisement of the new games of Whirlwind. But this argument has several flaws which make its reasoning pale and unconvincing.

The author states that the advertising campaign has been conducted to direct [directing] at people [from] 10 to 25 years old. But the author does not give any information about that[删掉] which group is most likely to play video games.[作者不是说了一个事实，Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games.告诉你这个年龄段的人最有可能玩游戏阿] Without giving this kind of information, the author can not convince me that this advertising campaign will have useful help to increase the sales of Whirlwind. Moreover, even though, 10 to 25 years old people are the main consumers of the products, there is another problem. [个人觉得最好这个问题另起一段，这是个主要的问题，即就算喜欢也不一定买的起。]People in this age bracket are almost students, so they do not have enough money to buy computers, which are needed to run this kind of games. If the author does not consider these problems to obtain his conclusion, he may make him fall into a passive position.

Admittedly, with the development of society, more and more people have the opportunity to use computer. However, the author does not mention reasons why the sales declined in the past two years. It is entirely possible that the quality of video games declined in the past, so the players choose other company's products instead; or the living standard of citizens might declined in the past two years, and this depression reduced the money which is spent on the entertainments by the consumers. Moreover, the video game market might have been gradually occupied by a few big companies. There is no doubt that this tendency would affect the sales of other uncompetitive companies. All in all, without ruling out these possibilities, the author could not convince me that only through advertising campaign the sales of Whirlwind will increase in the near future.[最好把主题句放在第一句]

The survey which is cited by the author also has some flaws. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, and the company also has introduced several such games. However, the author fails to consider other factors which would affect the sales of these games. Consumers may need not only lifelike graphics, but also healthy contents, original ideas, exciting scenes, etc. Only having lifelike graphics the company can not attract the consumers to buy these games. Furthermore, the survey does not refer to other company's products. It is totally possible that the products of Whirlwind have already been out of date. [这个理由我没想到，向你学习]Without giving more detail information about the preference and other companies' products, the author can not get any reasonable conclusion from this survey.

In conclusion, the argument bases on the survey and unconvinced statement, which make its viewpoint unreasonable. In order to make the argument more persuasive, the author should offer detail information about other company's product and the real preferences of the consumer. Moreover, the reason resulting in the declination of Whirlwind's games is also needed.


我感觉你的问题和我刚写这篇文章时lastangel指出的一样，主题句不明确，最好每段把主题句都放在开头一、二句的位置。清晰明了。
至于攻击点我觉得第一个有点问题，再斟酌一下吧。我把我的改完以后一起讨论吧。：）