TOPIC: ARGUMENT142 - The article entitled 'Eating Iron' in last month's issue of Eating for Health reported that a recent study found a correlation between high levels of iron in the diet and an increased risk of heart disease. Further, it is well established that there is a link between large amounts of red meat in the diet and heart disease, and red meat is high in iron. On the basis of the study and the well-established link between red meat and heart disease, we can conclude that the correlation between high iron levels and heart disease, then, is most probably a function of the correlation between red meat and heart disease.
WORDS: 403 TIME: 0:27:00 DATE: 2007-1-27
This argument concludes that the two correlations consist functional relation. According to this conclusion, the correlation between high iron levels and heart disease will determine the red meat eating and heart disease, and vise versa[能请教一下这个短语是什么意思吗？我以前没见过]. However, this conclusion is based on two evidences that do not hold well.
开头很简洁，也抓住了题目主要的逻辑关系。
Firstly, the correlation between high levels of iron in the diet and increased risk of heart disease does not support the conclusion in this argument. [这段的论点是the correlation does not support the conlcusion,那么按逻辑，下面是不是是说high levels of iron in the diet and increased risk of heart disease之间的关系怎么不支持题目的结论， 即分析铁含量和心脏病的关系，但Lz下面谈得确是铁含量和心脏病的关系为什么不能推出红肉与心脏病的关系，本段的论点和论证不符]Although there is a positive relation between iron eating and heart disease, the source of iron in the diet may not completely come from red meat. Because of the unidentified source of iron in the diet, the study may not lead to the conclusion that eating red meat will result in heart disease because of the high iron contained in red meat. Suppose, for example, the study identifies this link by the examination of blood of heart disease patients; but those patients actually eat other foods that also contain iron. As a result, this study cannot be used to support this argument properly.
Further, the well established link between large amounts of red meat in the diet and heart disease may not indicate it is the iron contained in red meat that cause people to acquire heart disease. As many components of red meat is harmful to human health, such as high percent of cholesterol and hormone, the established link[不应该是link做主语，而应该是heart disease做主语] may be caused by those materials rather than the iron in red meat. For this reason, this evidence does not support the link between high iron diet and the high rate of heart disease.[这段说的不是肉中的铁不一定是导致心脏病的成分么？怎么结尾来了个高铁饮食和心脏病的联系？概括的不恰当或没有表达清楚。]
Other minor mistakes in this argument involve the validity of the two evidences provided in this argument. The preceding reasoning we developed has assumed all the links indicated in this argument hold, however, these links may not hold [语序好像有些问题，我个人认为应改为 may not hold these links]as is assumed in the argument. For instance, the sample of the study is warped by mistaken select of patients who have genetic defect that make them more vulnerable to heart disease. In addition, the well established link between eating red meat and heart disease is also problematic. Perhaps people who favor red meat[加上at the same time之类的连词比较好] favor other foods, which caused their heart disease.
To sum up, the conclusion that function+s between iron eating heart disease and red meat eating and heart disease do not hold.[我结尾也是这么写的，但是组长说这样堆起来不好，具体情况自己斟酌吧] The arguer makes an imprudent assertion in that it neglect the candidate materials in the food that cause heart disease. Perhaps there does exist a function+s between them, however, the arguer fails to establish it in this argument.
个人觉得结尾应该对题目提出改进的建议比较好。 总结：第一次有幸改你的文章，早就听说有你这个牛人，呵呵。回归正题，我认为你的语言基本上没有什么问题，逻辑上清晰中带着混乱，这可能跟限时有些关系吧，不过每段的论证一定要围绕这这段的论点写，这篇习作就犯了论点和论据不符的毛病。加油！ | 
发表于 2007-1-27 19:13:06
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