argument147【0706G－CRUSADE小组】第1次作业 by dreamcaser

dreamcasaerUID: 2300942

Argument147(441)
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

肛：
调查有问题
引入新产品和广告不能带来增长
短期大幅度增长有困难。


The argument is well-presented, but not thoroughly well-reasoned. The arguer predicts that Whirlwind’s sale of games will increase, and he cites several evidences. The arguer, however, neglects some other important factors that might play major roles in deciding the final result.

       As a threshold matter, the survey does not have enough evidences to convince me that the respondents’ preference of lifelike graphic games contributes directly to the increase of the sales of Whirlwind video games. First, the survey should provide sufficient evidences that people who like such games will select to buy Whirlwind video games but not take it from others measures like downloading from internet or borrowing from friends. Second, the survey does not show that whether people will update their computer in order to play such games. In fact, it is obvious that most up-to-date computer might be too expensive for majority of people to afford it. Third, the statistically reliable of this survey do not have enough assurances. We cannot get any information about gender, age and amount of respondents from the survey, and such information might be important to the reliability of this survey.

       Secondly, the arguer's conclusion that the introduction of such games and advertisements may increase the sales is too hasty with no regard for other factors having great influence upon the sales. Perhaps, another company has sold similar videogames which is more attractive than Whirlwinds’ games, and thus players may select other company’s game but Whirlwind’s. In such case, Whirlwind’s new games will not be sold well. For same reason, the Whirlwind’s advertisement may less interesting than other competitors’, and consequently Whirlwind’s advertising may engaged in a futile effort. In addition, the arguer overlooks some other factors which may exist in Whirlwind’s management. For instance, the disordered management or low efficiency of producing may impede the increase of the sales, even if the games cater to the majority of the players’ taste.

      Moreover, there is not sufficient evidence to guarantee the conclusion that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the few months. Since the sales of Whirlwind games have declined for two years, it is entire possible that consumers now may not trust this company. Thus, Whirlwind will needs a long term to get back its market competitive ability, and the sales of games will not increase dramatically in a few months.

      According to the analysis above, Whirlwind carries out their plan without a complete investigation of market and their consumer. Therefore, the sales of the company may not increase dramatically in the next few months as they expect, and even they may suffer another declination of sales.

[ 本帖最后由 dreamcasaer 于 2007-2-15 17:51 编辑 ]

yyyfffUID: 169234

The argument is well-presented, but not thoroughly well-reasoned. [This sentence is not necessary, for we all know that it is not well-reasoned.] The arguer predicts that Whirlwind’s sale of games will increase,  and he cites several evidences [可以写得更紧凑一点，后面半句改成 by citing several evidences. 何如？]. The arguer, however, neglects some other important factors that might play major roles in deciding the final result.

       As a threshold matter, the survey does not have enough evidences to convince me [us] that the respondents’ preference of lifelike graphic games contributes directly to the increase of the sales of Whirlwind video games. First, the survey should provide sufficient evidences that people who like such games will select to buy [删] Whirlwind video games but not take it from others measures like downloading from internet or borrowing from friends [正式一点的话，download the games好像这是侵犯版权的哦，香港这边宣传广告：弟弟偷了姐姐的一个创意，画了一幅画送给老爸都是侵犯了版权哦。改成but not take it from other companies.何如?]. Second, the survey does not show that whether people will update their computer in order to play such games. In fact, it is obvious that most up-to-date computer might be too expensive for majority of people to afford it. Third, the statistically reliable [statistical reliability 搭配问题吧] of this survey do not have enough assurances. We cannot get any information [用第三人称The survey does not provide any information …要好些吧。调查中没有给和我们不能得到 是两个不同的概念啊] about gender, age and amount of respondents from the survey, and such information might be important to the reliability of this survey.

       Secondly, the arguer's conclusion that the introduction of such games and advertisements may increase the sales is too hasty with no regard for other factors having great influence upon the sales. Perhaps, another company has sold similar videogames which is more attractive than Whirlwinds’ games [games跟前面games重复，删], and thus players may select other company’s game but Whirlwind’s. In such case, Whirlwind’s new games will not be sold well. For (+the) same reason, the Whirlwind’s advertisement may less interesting than other competitors’, and consequently Whirlwind’s advertising may engaged in a futile effort. In addition, the arguer overlooks some other factors which may exist in Whirlwind’s management. For instance, the disordered management or low efficiency of producing may impede the increase of the sales, even if the games cater to the majority of the players’ taste.

      Moreover, there is not sufficient evidence to guarantee the conclusion that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the few months. Since the sales of Whirlwind games have declined for two years, it is entire possible that consumers now may not trust this company. Thus, Whirlwind will needs a long term to get back [regain 口语化] its market competitive ability, and [thus] the sales of games will not increase dramatically in a few months.

      According to the analysis above, Whirlwind carries out their plan without a complete investigation of market and their consumer(s). Therefore, the sales of the company may not increase dramatically in the next few months as they expect(+ed), and even they may suffer another declination of sales [reversely, may even suffer more declination of sales].
简评：结构还算清晰，层次感比较强。不过总的感觉语言有些口语化，加强句式的训练，总结记忆一些范文中的好句子吧，我这方面也很成问题，大家一起加油