argument173 最后一周，望高人指点必回拍

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TOPIC: ARGUMENT173 - The following is a memorandum issued by the publisher of a newsmagazine, Newsbeat, in the country of Dinn. "Our poorest-selling magazine issues over the past three years were those that featured international news stories on their front covers. Over the same period, competing news-magazines have significantly decreased the number of cover stories that they devote to international news. Moreover, the cost of maintaining our foreign bureaus to report on international news is increasing. Therefore, we should decrease our emphasis on international news and refrain from displaying such stories on our magazine covers."
WORDS: 539          TIME: 0:30:00          DATE: 2007-3-18

In this article, the author concludes that the company should decrease their emphasis on the international news and refrain from displaying such stories on their magazine covers. However, close scrutiny on the evidence provided by the author reveals that it lends little credible support to this conclusion.

In the first place, the mere fact that their poorest-selling magazines issues over the past three years were those that featured international news stories on the front covers is no indication that international news are not welcomed. The author does not provide the information about the overall sales of such kind of magazines. It is entirely possible that at the same time the best-selling magazines are also this kind of magazines. If so, then the author claim will be open to doubt. In addition, given that the sales of such magazines are not well, the author may neglect the other possible alternatives to this phenomenon. Such alternatives may include the fact that the contentions in these magazines are not attractive to the public. It is possible that most citizens prefer those international events that have lasting meaning. However, the content in the magazine are full of those boring scandals. Therefore, it is reasonable for the company to focus on these factors to the cover of the magazines.

What's more, the author unfairly assumes that their competitor's decreasing the number of cover stories that they devote to international news is due to the unwelcome of this kind of magazines. Yet it is probably not the case. It at least likely that the overall sales of his competitor have declined, which made them to decreasing the number of not only this kind of magazines but also other ones. It is also possible that after this policy the sales of their competitor become much worse. In such cases, the author's recommendation will be questionable. In fact, since their competitors have already decreased this numbers, it may be a good chance for Newsbeat to monopoly the market. If so, then it may be unwise for they decrease the emphasis on international news.

Finally, the increase of cost of maintaining their foreign bureaus to report on international news does not either indicate that they should decrease their emphasis on international news. The author provides no evidence to support that this trend will continue. It is possible that this increase is only temporary. Perhaps the climate in some countries are not satisfactory thus leading to the higher price of transportation. Under such circumstance, perhaps this cost will decrease in the near future. In addition, given that this trend will continue, the author unfairly assumes that it is not a good trend. Yet it is probably not the case. There is an entire possibility that the reporters in their foreign bureaus are trying their best to find attractive news, which may bring profits to the company. If so, and if the company adopts this recommendation, then it may be unwise.

In sum, this argument has several flaws as discussed above. To substantiate it the author should provide sufficient evidence that magazines with international news stories are not welcomed. To better evaluate this argument, I should also know the condition of their foreign bureaus.

iq28UID: 2152875

In this article, the author concludes that the company should decrease their emphasis on the international news and refrain from displaying such stories on their magazine covers. (可以加上in order to 把目的引出来) However, close scrutiny on the evidence provided by the author reveals that it lends little credible support to this conclusion.

In the first place, the mere fact that their poorest-selling magazines issues over the past three years were those that featured international news stories on the front covers is no indication that international news are not welcomed. (红字保留,前面的不用累述太多细节.) The author does not provide the information about the overall sales of such kind of magazines. (这句话衔接过渡不是很好,应该尽量强调出销量最坏的不能代表全部.而你除了在段首ts之外没有再提到这一点.  其实段首不用说那么多细节,放在下面具体攻击的时候加入这些细节效果可能会更清楚.因为你开头ts提到这些细节,阅卷人并不一定知道你要针对其中哪个细节攻击.) It is entirely possible that at the same time the best-selling magazines are also this kind of magazines. (销量最好的也是此类杂志可以提到,不过最好在前面总领一句说到别的有国际新闻的杂志销量是不错的) If so, then the author's claim will be open to doubt. In addition, given that the sales of such magazines are generally (加个generally相对于上面一个小论点让步会明显一些) not well, the author may neglect the other possible alternatives to this phenomenon. Such alternatives may include the fact that the contentions (提到了contentions那么最好在这个分论点前面就要说到题目中提到的是covers,加强对比) in these magazines are not attractive to the public. It is possible that most citizens prefer those international events that have lasting meaning. (6分的a在这里会明确指出such as....一些具体的有lasting meaning的例子) However, (用however有点大,把句号去掉直接用while更加顺畅) the content in the magazine are full of those boring scandals. (这样举反例的方法不好. 前面说出了人们想看到的是有价值的,你后面忽然说里面的内容是scandal.不是说具体的例子不好,你这样举反例会让人觉得唐突的.最好前面说里面都是一些琐碎的东西(总领一下),然后再用like后面引出几个具体例子,花边啊,丑闻啊什么的.就像某篇官方范文,里面论证车祸的原因不是限速的取消的时候,首先说有别的可能,然后说到比如路况,然后再说比如路况之中的急转弯,交叉路口等等.细节是一层层地由大到小表现出来的. 而你在这里就是没有前面的大层次铺垫直接说到了一个具体的丑闻,没有层次感.唐突.) Therefore, it is reasonable for the company to focus on these factors to the cover of the magazines. (reasonable用得不好.不应该是合理,而是应该.用should吧)

What's more, the author unfairly assumes (个人其实不喜欢这种批驳方法.文章中作者并没有明确假设到竞争者的行为是由于国际新闻不受欢迎.他只是陈述性质地来了一句competing news-magazines have significantly decreased the number of cover stories that they devote to international news.至于作者用这个事实做了什么样的假设,我觉得至少在ts中我们不要臆断作者有了什么臆断,看了会让人反感,凭什么说作者是这个思路?在下面的论证中间也尽量少臆断作者的细节思路.这个攻击点的开头,用这样一句:竞争者的行为同样也能不意味着此类杂志的不受欢迎.ms跟你的开头差不多,但还是有一些细微区别的.先看下面吧) that their competitor's decreasing the number (好像有语病) of cover stories that they devote to international news is due to the unwelcome of this kind of magazines. Yet it is probably not the case. It at least likely that the overall sales of his competitor have declined, which made them to decreasing the number of not only this kind of magazines but also other ones. It is also possible that after this policy the sales of their competitor become much worse. (两个反例之间关系表述不好.明明可以用一个让步的,干嘛用also.还有第二个例子说得太不具体.可以说就算是竞争者是因为觉得国际新闻不吃香所以减少它,这样的政策同样也可能失败,只是减少内容而不想着去改进销量当然还是没法得到质的提升) In such cases, the author's recommendation will be questionable. In fact, since their competitors have already decreased this numbers, it may be a good chance for Newsbeat to monopoly the market. If so, then it may be unwise for they decrease the emphasis on international news.

如果用本段开头用due to,就是销量差是竞争者这些行为的原因.这样无形中限制了自己的攻击角度.你只能攻击他们这些行为的别的原因是哪些.使得你的第二个反例也就是销量更差了有点突兀.如果本段开头用这个总领:竞争者的行为does not mean国际新闻的内容不受欢迎,那么从原因角度和结果角度都可以攻击.

Finally, the increase of cost of maintaining their foreign bureaus to report on international news does not either indicate that they should decrease their emphasis on international news. (加个词吧,First) The author provides no evidence to support that this trend will continue. It is possible that this increase is only temporary. Perhaps the climate in some countries are not satisfactory thus leading to the higher price of transportation. (这个例子牵强了) Under such circumstance, perhaps this cost will decrease in the near future. In addition, given that this trend will continue, the author unfairly assumes that it is not a good trend. Yet it is probably not the case. There is an entire possibility that the reporters in their foreign bureaus are trying their best to find attractive news, which may bring profits to the company. (这个反例说得不清楚,需要明确阐述出的是可以获得的利润比付出的价钱要大.) If so, and if the company adopts this recommendation, then it may be unwise.

In sum, this argument has several flaws as discussed above. To substantiate it the author should provide sufficient evidence that magazines with international news stories are not welcomed. To better evaluate this argument, I should also know the condition of their foreign bureaus.

别被我那么狠毒的批语吓着
汗
阅卷人还是会抓着你的亮点而不是像我现在一样拼命地找你缺点

也不是第一次改你的了
你的a的水平应该是我改过的里面最高的了
不敢说能有6
但已经超过5了

细节上面再注意吧
看好你
考完回来多帮我改作文^_^

[ 本帖最后由 iq28 于 2007-3-19 02:19 编辑 ]

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收藏了
我仔细研读下

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哈哈，谢iq,谢issue了~~收下了咯~~;d:

ILOVEISSUEUID: 2300195

修改版

In this article, the author concludes that the company should decrease their emphasis on the international news and refrain from displaying such stories on their magazine covers. However, close scrutiny on the evidence provided by the author reveals that it lends little credible support to this conclusion.

In the first place, the style of their poorest-selling magazines issues over the past three years were is no indication that international news are not welcomed. First, only sales of three magaizines cannot present the overall sales of these magazines. It is entirely possible that at the same time the best-selling magazines are also this kind of magazines. If so, then the author claim will be open to doubt. In addition, given that the sales of such magazines are not well, the author may neglect the other possible alternatives to this phenomenon. Such alternatives may include the fact that the contentions in these magazines are not attractive to the public. It is possible that most citizens prefer those international events that have lasting meaning. However, the content in the magazine are full of those trivial information such as some sexual scandals. Therefore, it appears reasonable for the company to focus on these factors to the cover of the magazines.

What's more, the mere fact that their competitors decreased the number of cover stories that they devote to international news does not necessarily indicate that these international news are not welcomed. It is at least likely that the general sales of his competitor have declined, which made them to decrease the number of not only this kind of magazines but also other ones. In addtion, what about their profits after the policy? If their profits have declined due to the policy, then the author's recommendation will be questionable. In fact, since their competitors have already decreased this numbers, it may be a good chance for Newsbeat to monopoly the market. If so, then it may be unwise for they decrease the emphasis on international news.

Finally, the increase of cost of maintaining their foreign bureaus to report on international news does not either indicate that they should decrease their emphasis on international news. First,The author provides no evidence to support that this trend will continue. It is possible that this increase is only temporary. Perhaps the climate in some countries are not satisfactory thus leading to the higher price of transportation. Under such circumstance, perhaps this cost will decrease in the near future. In addition, given that this trend will continue, the author unfairly assumes that it is not a good trend. Yet it is probably not the case. There is an entire possibility that the reporters in their foreign bureaus are trying their best to find attractive news and their endeavoring may bring the company more profits which may surpass the cost of maintaining. If so, and if the company adopts this recommendation, then it may be unwise.

In sum, this argument has several flaws as discussed above. To substantiate it the author should provide sufficient evidence that magazines with international news stories are not welcomed. To better evaluate this argument, I should also know the condition of their foreign bureaus.

iq28UID: 2152875

为了分类

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星夜无夏UID: 2333978

第一眼看上去的感觉是用词都差不多长度……很干净啊！^^祝福帅哥，内容没看