ARGUMENT147 请iq斑斑拍拍

ploploUID: 2320001

20：00抢了修改铺的楼，不过不知道成功了没。不过既然写了，还是贴出来，自己的孩子不嫌丑。:loveliness:
是刚出炉的，半天问了斑斑关于issue分类的问题，实在不好意思再pm斑斑了，希望iq同学有空时给看看，现在正按你的指导：简写两端+丰满body+强调细节。蹒跚努力中。:mad


题目：ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
字数：443          用时：上午 12:41:01          日期：2007-4-2



In the argument the author suggests that the sales of Whirlwind video games will possibly increase in the following months with the help of extensive advertising campaign on its new computer game among people of 10 to 25. Although the argument is well-presented, it still suffers from several fallacies.

  To begin with, the author subjectively assumes that people particularly like games which have lifelike graphics rather than any other types. However, the allegation is weakly supported. Commonly, the vision impact is only one of the aspects according to one’s consideration. No single proof, nevertheless, indicates that computer fans incline to neglect other factors, such as the concept of the game, the interest of the game, as well as the rivalrousness of the game, and so on. Furthermore, the lifelike graphics which Whirlwind considers as its characteristic might, contrary to its wish, be a disadvantage. As the author provides, this technique requires most up-to-date computers which might not be afforded by most of the fans. The view that people would like to choose games of lifelike graphics is unwarranted unless the author rules out the adverse factors mentioned above.

  In addition, even if people care more on the vision of the games, little evidence testifies that the extensive advertising campaign among people 10 to 25 would be effective. Normally speaking, teenagers possess little purchasing power, although they are the age-group most likely to play video games. It is hard to imagine how they could buy the expensive games with their so little pocket money. In addition, youth's preference varies as time goes by. It is entirely possible youth move their interest to the games with other characteristics the moment lifelike graphics games come into the market. Consequently, it is doubted whether campaign is useful and can attract lots of consumers to buy the games.

  Last but not least, even if the campaign on new-developed games is successful, how could the author assure that consumers would prefer Whirlwind's commodity to others'? The author gives no evidence to convince there are sufficient reasons for people to choose Whirlwind's games. We have the suspects as following. Is its price lower? Is its game of higher technology? Or does its provide better service? The author , however fails to prove any aspect of these. So people possibly might buy other company's games if the author cannot convince that Whirlwind performs better.

  To sum up, the conclusion that the sales of Whirlwind video games would increase in the next few months is unconvincing. To better evaluate it, the author should provide more warranted evidence to testify people have no reason not to choose Whirlwind when buying video games.

ILOVEISSUEUID: 2300195

In the argument the author suggests that the sales of Whirlwind video games will possibly increase in the following months with the help of extensive advertising campaign on its new computer game among people of 10 to 25. Although the argument is well-presented, it still suffers from several fallacies.
  
To begin with, the author subjectively assumes that people particularly like games which have lifelike graphics rather than any other types.（ts写成这样会有攻击前提的嫌疑）， However, the allegation is weakly supported.（这个结论是作者从一个survey中总结的，因此应该结合一下survey批驳） Commonly, the vision impact is only one of the aspects according to one’s consideration. No single proof, nevertheless, indicates that computer fans incline to neglect other factors, such as the concept of the game, the interest of the game, as well as the rivalrousness of the game, and so on. Furthermore, the lifelike graphics which Whirlwind considers as its characteristic might, contrary to its wish, be a disadvantage. As the author provides, this technique requires most up-to-date computers which might not be afforded by most of the fans.（不能afford难道就不like了吗） The view that people would like to choose games of lifelike graphics is unwarranted unless the author rules out the adverse factors mentioned above.
  
In addition, even if people care more on the vision of the games, little evidence testifies that the extensive advertising campaign among people 10 to 25 would be effective. Normally speaking, teenagers possess little purchasing power, although they are the age-group most likely to play video games. It is hard to imagine how they could buy the expensive games with their so little pocket money.（这句话有点罗嗦） In addition, youth's preference varies as time goes by.（这个层次有点晦涩） It is entirely possible youth move their interest to the games with other characteristics （other不是万能的，细节才是王道）the moment lifelike graphics games come into the market. Consequently, it is doubted whether campaign is useful and can attract lots of consumers to buy the games.

  Last but not least, even if the campaign on new-developed games is successful, how could the author assure that consumers would prefer Whirlwind's commodity to others'?（这段ts写得不好，作者的结论是sales Increase in the next few months，因此我们攻击的应该是sales 不会increase in the next few months.竞争只是影响sales的一个小部分，可以只作为一个层次，还有很多东西会影响sales 的increase,尤其是“dramatically in the few months”） The author gives no evidence to convince there are sufficient reasons for people to choose Whirlwind's games. We have the suspects as following.(这句话还是很罗嗦，重复ts而已) Is its price lower? Is its game of higher technology? Or does its provide better service? （问题不是提给别人的，是要自己回答的）The author , however fails to prove any aspect of these. So people possibly might buy other company's games if the author cannot convince that Whirlwind performs better.
  
To sum up, the conclusion that the sales of Whirlwind video games would increase in the next few months is unconvincing. To better evaluate it, the author should provide more warranted evidence to testify people have no reason not to choose Whirlwind when buying video games.
结构上已经不错了，不过还有很多地方要注意，加油
Ps：细节还是不够

[ 本帖最后由 ILOVEISSUE 于 2007-4-2 23:16 编辑 ]

iq28UID: 2152875

他改过的我基本就不用看了

nbghyUID: 2231798

同题求拍啊 第一篇ARGU
TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
WORDS: 501          TIME: 1:30:21          DATE: 2007/3/15

merely based on a series of unwarranted assumptions and dubious evidence, the arguer draws a conclusion that the sales of whirlwind video games will increase dramatically in the following months .to substantiate the conclusion, the arguer provides the evidence that  players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics which required the most up-to-date computers. Moreover, the arguer assumes that people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games, will buy their products. Nevertheless, this argument is problematic for several critical flaws, which render it wholly unpersuasive as it stands.

First of all, the arguer provides no assurance that the survey on which the argument depends is statistically reliable. The poll fails to indicate who conducted the poll, who responded, or how the poll was conducted to lend credibility to these claims. Without knowing whether the sample was representative of the general group, it is impossible to confidently apply the study's results to that population. Moreover, we are not informed about the size of the sample. it is possible that the respondents only constitute an insufficient sample. Lacking information about the representative ness and size of the survey's sample, the arguer can not draw a conclusion that players thought lifelike graphics most important in a video game.

Secondly, the arguer falsely relies on an unwarranted assumption that people 10 to 25 years old would prefer video games of whirlwind. Actually, this is not necessarily the case. for instance, it is possible that although people 10 to 25 years old like playing  video games, they do not like to play such kind of games that provide lifelike graphics. Even if they prefer such kind of games, it is also possible that they will not buy the video games of whirlwind in that such games require the most up-to-date computers. Since people of this age usually do not have enough money, therefore they can not afford it. Besides, many other companies product these games, whirlwind will face the competence of others. it is possible that most people will choose other companies' video games rather than that of whirlwind. as a result, the sales of whirlwind may still decline. in short, without ruling out such possibilities the argument is unfounded.

Finally, the arguer commits a fallacy of hasty generalization. It is possible that other factors may have effect on the sales of whirlwind. for instance, good service plays an important role in the choice of  video games, as well as good quality, what is more, some will also consider the factor  of brand when they buy video games. Unless ruling out such possibilities, the claim of the arguer will be unconvincing.

In summary, this argument is not persuasive because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to the arguer's claim. to make it more convincing, the arguer would have to evaluate all possible alternatives and causes for the sales' increasing. If the argument includes the given factors discussed above, it would have been more thorough and adequate.

ploploUID: 2320001

没用的客套话我就不多说了，实实在在的就一句：真心的感谢sandy同学！
:)
在我忙然挣扎时，你对我的烂文深入的批改，让我醍醐灌顶。“高手改一篇，胜过自己瞎写十篇。”
我会按你的建议好好重写一下此文的。
没有更多的，惟有感谢！并祝一切好;)
ps.我很久以前也叫sandy，8过后来经常被误认识女生的名字，只好改了……嘿嘿~不知道你有没有这样的苦恼~
哈哈扯远了
总之：一切遂心
！:loveliness:

ploploUID: 2320001

感谢斑斑的关注~也祝你脾气永远那么好~嘿嘿;d: ;d:

ploploUID: 2320001

根据sandy同学地建议，文章修改如下：

ps.
蓝色是保留的sandy同学的批改。
红色是我自己新增的或修改的。
绿色的是再次有疑问并希望得到解答的。


In the argument the author suggests that the sales of Whirlwind video games will possibly increase in the following months with the help of extensive advertising campaign on its new computer game among people of 10 to 25. Although the argument is well-presented, it still suffers from several fallacies.
  
To begin with, the author subjectively assumes that people particularly like games which have lifelike graphics rather than any other types.（ts写成这样会有攻击前提的嫌疑）， However, the allegation is weakly supported.（这个结论是作者从一个survey中总结的，因此应该结合一下survey批驳）(划线部分我想了好半天也没想好该如何写。首先不可以攻击前提，即survey；其次又要由这个survey得出的结论不可考，脑袋想炸了也没搞清楚……感觉自己真笨，麻烦sandy同学指导下：).Commonly, the visual impact is only one of the aspects according to one’s consideration. No single proof, nevertheless, indicates that computer fans are inclined to neglect other factors, such as the concept of the game, the interest of the game, as well as the rivalrousness of the game, and so on. Furthermore, the lifelike graphics which Whirlwind considers as its characteristic might, contrary to its wish, be a disadvantage. As the author provides, this technique requires most up-to-date computers which might not be afforded by most of the fans. （不能afford难道就不like了吗）增加：As a result, in despite of fans’ fondness of Whirlwind’s games, they are not able to buy them. The view that people would purchase games of lifelike graphics is unwarranted unless the author rules out the adverse factors mentioned above.
  
In addition, even if people care more about the vision of the games, little evidence testifies that the extensive advertising campaign among people 10 to 25 would be effective. Normally speaking, teenagers possess little purchasing power, although they are the age-group most likely to play video games. It is hard to imagine how they could buy the expensive games with their so little pocket money.（这句话有点罗嗦）划线改为：Paying too much money is obviously beyond their capability In addition, youth's preference varies as time goes by.（这个层次有点晦涩）请sandy同学具体说下为何有晦涩之嫌，或者有什么更好的反驳角度？ It is entirely possible youth move their interest to the games with other characteristics,增加：such as appealing scenarios, smooth  action, vivid sound effect and so forth（other不是万能的，细节才是王道）the moment lifelike graphics games come into the market. Consequently, it is doubted whether campaign is useful and can attract lots of consumers to buy the games.

  Last but not least, even if the campaign on new-developed games is successful, how could the author assure that consumers would prefer Whirlwind's commodity to others'?（这段ts写得不好，作者的结论是sales Increase in the next few months，因此我们攻击的应该是sales 不会increase in the next few months.竞争只是影响sales的一个小部分，可以只作为一个层次，还有很多东西会影响sales 的increase,尤其是“dramatically in the few months”）The author gives no evidence to convince there are sufficient reasons for people to choose Whirlwind's games. We have the suspects as following.(这句话还是很罗嗦，重复ts而已) Is its price lower? Is its game of higher technology? Or does its provide better service? （问题不是提给别人的，是要自己回答的）The author , however fails to prove any aspect of these. So people possibly might buy other company's games if the author cannot convince that Whirlwind performs better.
  
body第三段整段重写，看看这回好些了么？
Last but not least, even if the campaign on new-developed games is successful, the author fails to presents sufficient evidence to convince that the sales of Whirlwind video games will increase in the next few months. One the one hand, common sense tells us that the sale of one commodity is determined by many aspects, such as the quality of the goods, the advertisement they broadcast, the service they provide etc. Barely could one single campaign settle problems in all dimensions. On the other hand, the competitor is always an important factor that can never be ignored. No evidence indicates that Whirlwind's games are better than those developed by other companies, so that the consumers have no particular reasons to choose Whirlwind rather than others. Furthermore, the power of the market is significant as well. Only when people are inclined to have fun by playing computer games could Whirlwind have the chance to sell its product and make profits. Without considering all the factors mentioned above, the conclusion is obviously unconvincing.

To sum up, the conclusion that the sales of Whirlwind video games would increase in the next few months is unconvincing. To better evaluate it, the author should provide more warranted evidence to testify people have no reason not to choose Whirlwind when buying video games.




[ 本帖最后由 ploplo 于 2007-4-3 18:57 编辑 ]

ILOVEISSUEUID: 2300195

作者的目的是吸引10-25岁的孩子进行，而survey中根本没提到年龄段，因此可以攻击这一点。
还有survey是如何conduct的？如果只给了几个没有意义的选项，那么结论还是有问题
还有representative等，可攻可不攻
我觉的ts可以写成 the result of the survey is little indication that 这种类型的游戏会受到预期玩家的喜欢

iq28UID: 2152875

我现在越来越不喜欢改argu了:(
总觉得乱七八糟

荧惑UID: 2280559

sandy同学真敬业 .......;d:

ILOVEISSUEUID: 2300195

people 10 to 25 would be effective. Normally speaking, teenagers possess little purchasing power, although they are the age-group most likely to play video games. It is hard to imagine how they could buy the expensive games with their so little pocket money.（这句话有点罗嗦）划线改为：Paying too much money is obviously beyond their capability [（不如用and将前后两句话连起来）]In addition, youth's preference varies as time goes by.（这个层次有点晦涩）请sandy同学具体说下为何有晦涩之嫌，或者有什么更好的反驳角度？[（既然这段ts开头让步说people care more about vision of game,这里你又说兴趣改变，总觉得有点不好）] It is entirely possible youth move their interest to the games with other characteristics,增加：such as appealing scenarios, smooth  action, vivid sound effect and so forth（other不是万能的，细节才是王道）the moment lifelike graphics games come into the market. Consequently, it is doubted whether campaign is useful and can attract lots of consumers to buy the games.

题目中imply了这种游戏需要最nb的电脑，the price of which肯定很贵，批驳的时候也可以联系一下

ILOVEISSUEUID: 2300195

最后一段改的还不错

ILOVEISSUEUID: 2300195

呵呵，我也觉得是，有些文章实在太混乱
斑斑用空在总结总结argument的段内论证的逻辑吧

ploploUID: 2320001

hehe~
我回来啦！
sandy同学真好~
我先回帖致意~
然后仔细推敲:)
ps.近来也很讨厌阿狗~
唉~~逻辑混乱中阿~~

ploploUID: 2320001

原帖由 iq28 于 2007-4-3 19:20 发表
我现在越来越不喜欢改argu了:(
总觉得乱七八糟

感觉阿狗就像蹩脚裁缝做烂的衣服，
ETS花我们的钱，然后还让我们给改衣服~~
无比愤懑中~:mad :mad :mad