急切希望高人改我的作文

chenglingfengUID: 2303037

Do you agree or disagree:
It is important to know events happening around the world, though sometimes they are unlikely to affect your daily life. 时间：70分钟  字数：328
  Trend has it that in the information booming era, scarcely does a minute go without some sensational events occurring. While some people may stick to the idea that we should absolutely ignore the events, which have no affinities with our life, I deem highly that we ought to know them.
  It’s an undeniable fact that we are parts of the world though each of us is a separated entity. Hence, we can get in touch with the world around us through knowing these events. Very true is that the war in Iraq doesn’t affect our daily life at all, but when we show our sympathy to the multitudes there, we are getting in touch with the world, we are participating the world’s evolving. We may become dogmatic, didactic and even apathetic when only focusing on the events around us.
   Furthermore, every event has really directly or indirectly affected our life. In a quite, peaceful and pastoral countryside, no one will consider financial deficit, but when the inflation strikes, which may be the plight of politicians and economists. In the twinkling of eyes, the commodity’s price begins soaring, leading to the panic of the placid villagers. Inflation, a seemingly irrelevant event, can permeate into our daily life, change our budget for living necessities and provoke our suspect to the government’s policy. We can hardly assert the impertinence of any events even if they happened far from our living environment.
   Besides, when we ignore all the events seemingly unrelated to us, we are losing topics while talking with people. We can say nothing other than weather after greeting each other. When showing indifference to those events, we are isolating ourselves, we are becoming introversive, and we feel ashamed hearing others’ commenting on the social issues simply because we have little knowledge about that!
   Considering all the reasons as illustrated above, we may conclude that what is foolish and insular is that we only focus on the events happening around us.

[ 本帖最后由 lintelle 于 2007-5-4 10:50 编辑 ]

lintelleUID: 2297267

限时写作呀~不是计时……TT考场上要求你用这样的时间写二又三分之一篇作文呢。
这样写对考场发挥真的没有好处的。希望你下次能鼓起勇气，测试一下自己的实力
作文就不帮你改了，语言运用比上次稍微强些。有长进。:handshake

chenglingfengUID: 2303037

实在不好意思啊,这应该算是我的第五篇作文吧,所以时间还没把握好,看来还要继续提速啊.

MagiSuUID: 2182136

Trend has it that in the information booming era, scarcely does a minute go without some sensational events occurring. While some people may stick to the idea that we should absolutely ignore the events /*them*/, which have no affinities with our life/*lives*/, I deem highly that we ought to know them.
第一句真晦涩啊……感觉句法好像德文。

  It’s /*it is, 书面语不缩写*/ an undeniable fact that we are parts of the world though each of us is a separated entity. Hence, we can get in touch with the world around us through knowing these events. Very true/*有些别扭，可能个人习惯不同*/ is that the war in Iraq doesn’t /*同上，书面语不能缩写*/ affect our daily life at all, but when we show our sympathy to the multitudes there, we are getting in touch with the world, we are participating the world’s evolving. We may become dogmatic, didactic and even apathetic when only focusing on the events around us. /*逻辑有些混乱*/
   Furthermore, every event has really directly or indirectly affected our life. /*哦我的天，自相矛盾啊*/ In a quite,/*多了逗号*/ peaceful and pastoral countryside, no one will consider financial deficit, but when the inflation strikes, which may be the plight of politicians and economists. In the twinkling of eyes, the commodity’s price begins soaring, leading to the panic of the placid villagers. /*两句之间不够连贯*/ Inflation, a seemingly irrelevant event, can permeate into our daily life, change our budget for living necessities and provoke /*我觉得这里不能用provoke*/ our suspect to the government’s policy/*policies*/. We can hardly assert the impertinence of any events even if they happened far from our living environment.
   Besides, when we ignore all the events seemingly unrelated to us, we are losing topics while talking with people. We can say nothing other than weather after greeting each other./*观点偏激极端，应当避免*/ When showing indifference to those events, we are isolating ourselves, we are becoming introversive /*这里我的firefox报拼写错误*/, and we feel ashamed hearing others’ commenting on the social issues simply because we have little knowledge about that!/*I have NEVER felt ashamed when people talk about football or NBA and I have NO knowledge about that...*/
我觉得你的这一段走的太远了……
   Considering all the reasons as /*去掉as*/ illustrated above, we may conclude that what is foolish and insular is that we only focus on the events happening around us.

你的用句不错，但是句子和句子之间的连贯性有些不太好，另外我个人认为你的文章有些aggressive，至少我看了以后感觉有些观点攻击性太强。最后一句用到了foolish实在是太#*(&$(*@#Q&$了。

六的哲学UID: 2253497

语言运用方面还是要下功夫啊

xugelanUID: 2336294

自己改自己的
With （也可以benefited from）the fast development of technology,now we are able to get the information we want immediately.The TV is fraught with every kind of news programs that tell us what is happening now ,many of them are from other countries or even other continents which have no effect on one's daily life.However,those news and events are worth konwing because one could not live alone any more in a modern century in which distance is not a problem.

To begin with, reading newspaper or watching TV could widen our minds, make(改为allow) us enjoying the colorful world. If we compare(改为Comparing/drawing a comparison between) our earth to a village,there are many different residents living in such a "earth village" with each one has his distinct culture .You may centainly(删除) appreciate the live firework night on TV which used to celebrite(celebrate) the new year fastivel(festival) by chinese people,although at that time you are in US. Through keeping contact with the informations around the world ,one could be more tolerant to(of/toward) foreign cultures.

In today's world,information is vital for bussiness.Only the company who gets an further insight into the world market and global competition can finally win the game.For example, as a leader of a electronic company like NEC,he must know what has happened or what is going to take place in electronic area(领域，行业用industry).In order to keep the pace of the world with the ambition to maintain the leadship,he may wonder what is the latest invention and improvement that can be applied to his products.For this reason,information is power,though sometimes it is unlikely to affect the daily life.

Finally,as a member of the human society,we centainly are willing to give our hands to people who need help. Imagining the big flood in the south asia(Asia地名要大写),once this news is reported on TV across the world, from the screen we see the houses broken,children crying and thousands of people lose their home without adquate foods to eat(药品不会拼了，只能写缺少食物medicine for illness). Quickly people from the world donate their money to the flood area which is well in need.

Based on those reasons above, it is improtant for everyone to konw events happening around the world.(没时间了，使得文章头重脚轻)

[ 本帖最后由 xugelan 于 2007-8-30 16:28 编辑 ]