ISSUE43 [Victors小组]solartorch 第四次作业 (写得不错 by iq28)

solartorchUID: 2244205

43 "To be an effective leader, a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards."

The speaker contends that as a political leader, a public official is supposed to guarantee the highest standards in terms of ethics and morality. I agree with the opinion insofar as the self-discipline on ethics and morality are two crucial touchstones to test the legitimate attitude and responsibility---the indispensable prerequisites for an effective leader; also, insofar as the system of today’s society demand for a political leader who is also stainless in his or her moral life. However, all men are fallible. We don’t need to be carping critics focusing on every little mistake, still less some ethical mistakes are committed because of the goal of fulfilling majorities’ property by public official.

To what extent an individual is willing to comply with the ethical and moral rules indicates whether he or she has the basic personality to be a qualified citizen---the rather that to be an effective leader. In modern society, the importance of intellect has already received wildly recognition. To be an intellectual person is not that difficult through today’s education system. As a counterpart, having an admirable moral character is now gradually revealing its charm and value. Consider that a well-educated college student, who is not the first one in history, lacking of ethnics sense would carry out the deadly rampage in Virginia Tech, it is not excessive to require public officials, who are more powerful than individual citizens, elected based on the reliance of electorate and having the rights to decide the usage of tax-payer money within certain area, to maintain the highest ethical and moral standards. The extreme instance like Hitler’s unbelievable deeds as a political leader probably won’t be performed again in our life and times. Yet as adequate citizens, we need to remind ourselves frequently that without accomplished moral character as the essence, any intelligent mind will flounder.

To view this statement from another angle, even if the flaws in public officials’ moral characters are to some extent negligible that there are possibilities for them to consummate work effectively, the well-established news and scrutiny systems—-these systems assured us democracy politics and openness of government---would however distract them from concentrating on leadership activities. Last October, The Minister for Culture in Sweden resigned after admitting not paying her television license fee. She at that time had just been appointed for that position for 10 days. Putting aside the opinion on this particular case, for most occasions, a small stain of a public official will be aggrandized in the news report---which is an advisable way in a democratic society. A would-be leader, if wants to be effective in his or her position, must have relatively unblemished morals and ethics to preserve dignity under scrutiny, hence he or she could get the opportunity to fulfill the goal of effective leadership.

Having recognized that maintaining highest standards on morals and ethics is an influential necessity for an effective leader, we are nevertheless supposed to act as a naïve idealist who can not fairly tolerate any deformity. There is an old saying in Sweden: even sun has stains. It is unwisely to desire the public officials acting perfectly in personal life. Additionally, a public official’s primary concern is to benefit his or her citizens with better welfare and safer environment. Despite assorted effusion to the contrary, to build and maintain them expects some strong-arm tactics which may go outside the bounds of morality.   

In sum, However public officials are inevitable to have some personal foibles either voluntarily or involuntarily, highest standards of ethics and morality are necessary for an effective leader, no matter from the subjective point of view—that only a virtuous official is able to be trusted and to deliver his or her promise as an effective leader, or from the objective point of view—that the scrutiny system of today’s democratic society itself doesn’t allow the dishonesty of public officials.

觉得自己写的怪怪的，但有讲不出来，大家指点指点;d:

   

[ 本帖最后由 iq28 于 2007-6-19 13:23 编辑 ]

totalsm45518UID: 2286658

觉得没有什么问题啊，语言方面我就不说什么了，已经很纯熟了，真的，思路上觉得你开头的时候后面那个平衡的观点
有点写得多了写，显得偏后面一点了，可以改一改
还有就是你好像特别喜欢用长句，这很好啊，不过短句也要试着穿插使用吧，不然读起来很累，你可以考虑一下看看
对不起，这么晚才给你改，最近太忙了，见谅
总之写的很好了，真的，向你学习呢

iq28UID: 2152875

The speaker contends that as a political leader, a public official is supposed to guarantee the highest standards in terms of ethics and morality. I agree with the opinion insofar as the self-discipline on ethics and morality are two crucial touchstones to test the legitimate attitude and responsibility---the indispensable prerequisites for an effective leader; (漂亮,态度+简单原因) also, insofar as the system of today’s society demand for (这一层和上一层没有完全拉开,层次不是很鲜明.当然不可或缺的先决条件和社会要求的区别,如果下面的body能讲的很清楚,那也不错) a political leader who is also stainless in his or her moral life. However, all men are fallible. We don’t need to be carping (good) critics focusing on every little mistake, still less some ethical mistakes are committed because of the goal of fulfilling majorities’ property by public official. (点明官员的主旨.第一段完胜)

To what extent (what巧妙对应了highest,为下文论证埋下伏笔,赞) an individual is willing to comply with the ethical and moral rules indicates whether he or she has the basic personality to be a qualified citizen---the rather that to be an effective leader. In modern society, the importance of intellect has already received wildly recognition. (两个句子用and合并起来可能更顺畅,而且能更短一点,毕竟主要讨论的还是那两个standard.不过我已经在吹毛求疵了呵呵) To be an intellectual person is not that difficult through today’s education system. As a counterpart, having an admirable moral character is now gradually (与前面的already遥相呼应,让人读起来有顺畅痛快之感.lz的语言功底确实很强) revealing its charm and value. Consider that a well-educated college student, who is not the first one in history, lacking of ethnics (ethical) sense would carry out the deadly rampage in Virginia Tech, (lz的逻辑其实很清楚.智力重要--->现今道德准则同样变得重要--->前面开头又提到道德首先是对于能否成为一个合格公民重要,更不用提领袖--->所以可以举例VT杀人狂同学---有智力,没道德--->下面尤杀人狂同学延伸到领袖.推理上这样确实可行,不过....太绕了吧.完全可以直接举更直接的领袖的例子.非要举杀人狂同学也可以,除非你的这个body能写出400+的字数,下面还可以大量直面论述领袖的道德问题.还有杀人狂同学在我看来不是道德缺失的典型例子) it is not excessive to require public officials, who are more powerful (这个和前面的already等等一样,衔接还是要赞的) than individual citizens, elected based on the reliance of electorate and having the rights to decide the usage of tax-payer money within certain area, (怪异,official的权力多了去了为什么单说这个) to maintain the highest ethical and moral standards. (非常缺乏正面论证,没有正面说明为什么.第一个例子虽然相关但仍然可以归纳到beat around the bush的范畴) The extreme instance like Hitler’s unbelievable deeds as a political leader probably won’t be performed again in our life and times. Yet as adequate citizens, we need to remind ourselves frequently that without accomplished moral character as the essence, any intelligent mind will flounder. (并不是很成功的一个段落,正面论证缺乏)

To view this statement from another angle, even if the flaws in public officials’ moral characters are to some extent negligible that there (still) are possibilities for them to consummate work effectively, the well-established news and scrutiny systems—-these systems assured us democracy politics and openness of government---would however distract them from concentrating on leadership activities. (超长句.分开说吧,会更清晰一点.你的这个句子里面包含了好几层关系了,小错误,虽然不影响搞笑工作,但因为有现存的体系,所以如果他们想行使权力,还是不能容许有错误) Last October, The Minister for Culture in Sweden resigned after admitting not paying her television license fee. She at that time had just been appointed for that position for 10 days. (读者上的?这个例子明显比上一个bingo多了) Putting aside the opinion on this particular case, (功底啊..赞,瞬间从例子流畅转移到论证) for most occasions, a small stain of a public official will be aggrandized in the news report---which is an advisable way in a democratic society. A would-be leader, if wants to be effective in his or her position, must have relatively unblemished morals and ethics to preserve dignity under scrutiny, hence he or she could get the opportunity to fulfill the goal of effective leadership. (本段完胜)

Having recognized that maintaining highest standards on morals and ethics is an influential (不错.缺了这个词就说的太绝对了,下面会变成自己抽自己嘴巴) necessity for an effective leader, we are nevertheless supposed to act as a naïve idealist who can not fairly tolerate any deformity. (明晰,而且和大部分板油观念不同,很多人都会说到effectively的leader主要还是看能力,瑕不掩瑜.) There is an old saying in Sweden: even sun has stains. It is unwisely to desire the public officials acting perfectly in personal life. (论证少了一点) Additionally, a public official’s primary concern is to benefit his or her citizens with better welfare and safer environment. (还是提到这一点了呵呵) Despite assorted effusion to the contrary, to build and maintain them expects some strong-arm tactics which may go outside the bounds of morality.   (没看懂,汗)

In sum, However public officials are inevitable to have some personal foibles either voluntarily or involuntarily, highest standards of ethics and morality are necessary for an effective leader, no matter from the subjective point of view—that only a virtuous official is able to be trusted and to deliver his or her promise as an effective leader, or from the objective point of view—that the scrutiny system of today’s democratic society itself doesn’t allow the dishonesty of public officials. (最后基本变成了完全赞同了,再看看你的开头)

语言非常流畅,某些小词起到了很好的润滑剂的作用.
第一个body有点绕人.
第三个body短了一些,还有结尾的态度有些奇怪,没有照顾到开头段落末尾的态度.
总的来说相当不错的一篇文章.
good job.

iq28UID: 2152875

又搜了搜lz的帖子

果然强人 呵呵

加油

solartorchUID: 2244205

斑竹的指点真是然我受益匪浅，很受鼓舞。改的真是很仔细。

body1 是有一点旁敲侧击了，主要是那段时间那位韩国帅哥的deadly rampage很轰动，我一直想用这个例子，所以就硬是大胆的把它做了第一点的主要例证，其实斑竹说的对，那样写的话不是不可以，不过段落的字数就需要上去了，不然感觉绕着写了一大堆，最后点明主旨用的笔墨反倒不够了。

body2 的那个瑞典电视费例子一开始确实是在读者上看到的，后来用wikipedia反复认证了好久，确保无误。

body3 最后一句话的我想说的意思是Despite assorted effusion to the contrary,尽管有很多反对意见 to build and maintain them expects some strong-arm tactics which may go outside the bounds of morality.建立和维护它们（上面提到的better welfare and safer environment）需要一些可能会超越到的界限的强权手段。这一段写的比较简短，因为觉得只是放出一段平衡一下观点，不能说的太死。而且我也没有想到什么好的例子。

结尾的问题，呃。。。最后就写的有点匆忙了，其实我本意不是想写成完全赞同的，也许调一下顺序就好多了：
In sum, highest standards of ethics and morality are necessary for an effective leader,no matter from the subjective point of view—that only a virtuous official is able to be trusted and to deliver his or her promise as an effective leader, or from the objective point of view—that the scrutiny system of today’s democratic society itself doesn’t allow the dishonesty of public officials. However, as reasonable civilian, we must also accept the opinion that public officials are inevitable to have some personal foibles either voluntarily or involuntarily.

最后还是谢谢斑竹:loveliness:  辛苦了，作文版藏龙卧虎，高手太多鸟，偶只不过才刚起步;d: 。

davidsenwiseUID: 2291368

好文章，水平好高！只是我觉得修改后的结尾好像也只是在重复开头？牛人可以解释一下这样可以吗？