第一次作文 结合笑来写的 请批评改正 谢谢！

qqeett10UID: 2307488

题目：1. People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.



    After graduating from high school, there will be a significant decision for mang students to make —whether they should directly enter the work force or going to college to receive higher education? I believe that students who make latter decision choose to attend college to experience a new life ,to obtain more opportunities in an increasingly competive job market.
    Attending college is an eye-opening experience. The way a student lives and studies in college are very different from one's own. For instance ,when I was still in high school, my pen-friend, a girl from Nanjing university ,constantly told me stories about her life in university. She might have much more time to specialize. On the other hand, she had more chances to make many friends as well as attending kinds of organizations during her spare time.
   Additionally, when people attend college, it is much easier to be more competive for previously unavailable jobs. For example, my pen friend with computer science degree would not only do well in high-tech companies, but would also be qualified for any jobs with computer skills as a prerequisite. Graduates are more likely to find a job that suits their particular needs and interest or to innovative undertaking with the help of higher education.
    The last reason why people choose to attend college or university is because in some cases, doing so is the only way to obtain higher salaries and advancement. For example, if one company wants to desire employees who are competent in more than one language ,it would be best if it would offer high salaries .Employers always place a higher value on people from a well-known university, rather than those who without a college degree, although they may have the similar scores in the standardized test scores. Nowadays, there is a growing trend that a college degree is accepted by employers as proof of competence in a given field.
     Above all,while there are many excellent reasons to enter the work force directly, receiving higher education can offer many new and exciting experiences, as well as more opportunities to access to jobs with a clear path towards professional advancement.

lintelleUID: 2297267

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-659024-1-1.html
:)

ccrobin000UID: 2296575

After graduating(graduated) from high school, there will be a significant decision for mang(这什么词?missepll吧?) students to make —whether they should directly enter the work force or going to college(单数名词不能单独使用要有形容词或者冠词配合) to receive higher education? I believe that students who make latter decision choose(重复,decision就是一个choice) to attend college to(and) experience a new life ,to obtain more opportunities in an increasingly competive job market(首段应该提到你后面要说的各个方面都是什么,不过你这里只是说了可以得到经验这一方面).
    Attending college is an eye-opening experience. The way a student lives and studies in college are very different from one's own(语法很怪异,能否解释一下,看不太明白这句). For instance ,when I was still in high school, my pen-friend, a girl from Nanjing university ,constantly told me stories about her life in university(单数名词). She might have much more time to specialize. On the other hand, she had more chances to make many(many more这样的词用的了不会觉得单调了点么?何不试试tremendous a great number这样的东西) friends as well as attending kinds of organizations during her spare time.
   Additionally, when people attend college, it is much easier to be more competive for previously unavailable jobs. For example, my pen friend with computer science degree(majored as CS) would not only do well in high-tech companies, but would(不要了,太罗唆) also be qualified for any jobs with computer skills as a prerequisite. Graduates are more likely to find a job that suits their particular needs and interest or to innovative undertaking with the help of higher education.后面的例子就不看了,上课去了
    The last reason why people choose to attend college or university is because in some cases, doing so is the only way to obtain higher salaries and advancement. For example, if one company wants to desire employees who are competent in more than one language ,it would be best if it would offer high salaries .Employers always place a higher value on people from a well-known university, rather than those who without a college degree, although they may have the similar scores in the standardized test scores. Nowadays, there is a growing trend that a college degree is accepted by employers as proof of competence in a given field.
     Above all,while there are many excellent reasons to enter the work force directly, receiving higher education can offer many new and exciting experiences, as well as more opportunities to access to jobs with a clear path towards professional advancement.

应该适当提升你的词汇,像你attend用了多次 不能替换下或者至少用attendence么 还有as well as也可以替换
段落结构标准的5段式,在举例方面只说了大学的好,很少提到反面,if we don't...是洋人很希望看到的,例子也不是很有说服力,举例后应该再总结一下例子,说说为什么这个例子可以支持你的观点,结尾很草率,从字数上就看得出来,不过我也差不多就这样而已

qqeett10UID: 2307488

qqeett10UID: 2307488

mang 是想打many手误了……
The way a student lives and studies in college are very different from one's own 是想表达：和以前的生活与学习不同

I believe that students who make latter decision choose(重复,decision就是一个choice) to attend college to(and) experience a new life ……这里我觉得没错 choose是指students的行为阿 不是名词

再次感谢……发现我写的真是不成熟阿 哎

panda2033UID: 2305826

"After graduating" is correct. But the second sentence "whether they should directly enter the work force or going to college to receive higher education" is wrong. The author uses "should enter" and/or structure which means that the sentences or phrases or even words before and after the word "and/or" should use the same form. So the whole sentence must be changed into "whether they should directly enter the work force or go to colleges to receive higher education"! The last two sentences of the introduction part do not make sense. Change into " I would rather choose to enter universities for the following reasons"

panda2033UID: 2305826

我的部分工作就是帮别人修改作文! 通常考试而言,如果introduction part出现上面的情况,我就会把这类作文划到低档去! 同志还需努力啊

ccrobin000UID: 2296575

原帖由 qqeett10 于 2007-5-11 14:12 发表
mang 是想打many手误了……
The way a student lives and studies in college are very different from one's own 是想表达：和以前的生活与学习不同

I believe that students who make latter decision ch ...

以前生活可以用used to do 干嘛用这么诡异的说法,还有如果不用名词也错make就是动词,你后面没有连词就直接又来个choose肯定是不对的,应该有一个变成非谓语

ccrobin000UID: 2296575

原帖由 panda2033 于 2007-5-11 14:31 发表
"After graduating" is correct.

弱问一下,明明已经毕业了是不是应该用过去时?