请高手帮小弟改一下 作文

feiyue2007UID: 2306542

A foreign visitor has only one day to spend in your country. Where should this visitor go on that day? Why? Use specific reasons to support your choice.

Pay a visit to the Great Wall

Recently, an increasing number of foreign tourists choose to take a trip in China. They will always spend some days in China visiting numerous places of interest. However, which place deserve visiting if a foreign visitor only have one-day time？Some recommend the Forbidden City for it used to be emperors’ palace some hundred years ago when China was one of the most powerful countries in the world; others argue that this foreigner should visit Hangzhou because there is an old saying that Hangzhou is as beautiful as heaven. Those recommendation both seem to be reasonable, however, I am fully convinced that if only having one-day time, this foreign visitor should pay a visit to the Great Wall.

One major reason of choosing the Great Wall to visit lies in the recognition that the Great Wall stands for the long history of our country. This construction has existed for more than two thousand years just as old as the Chinese civilization. The reason why so many foreigners are long for taking a trip in China is that its long history attracts them so much. Since these foreign tourists are so interested in our country’s history, isn’t it a wise choice for the foreigner who only have one-day time spent in China. Along with this foreigner’s climbing the Great Wall, he may also obtain more information about the Great Wall as well as our country because there are a great many steles on both sides of the Great Wall telling the history story occurring there.

In addition to its long history, there are many other reasons that can be added. This construction is called the eighth wonder in the world. It is hard to image that our ancestors could construct such a huge wall on the mountains two thousand years ago. Additionally, it is said by Yang Liwei, a      Chinese astronaut, that the Great Wall is one of the two constructions that could be seen in space. Standing on the top of the Great Wall, I am sure that the foreigner will admire how wonderful the Great Wall is.

From what have been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that the Great Wall is the best choice for a foreigner who only has one-day time. This foreign tourist could not only know more much more information about Chinese history from visiting the Great Wall but also see this eighth wonder in the world. I bet that this foreign tourist will not regret visiting it.

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

Pay a visit to the Great Wall

Recently, an increasing number of foreign tourists choose to take a trip in China. They will always spend some days in China visiting numerous places of interest.(前后内容不构成转折关系, 不宜用however. 另外这点跟你的陈述很生涩, 显得没有信息量, 看那么多地方干嘛, 跟主题有什么关系么? 这里最好能暗示出后文结构, 比如你这里写看很多东西了解中国的历史, 然后后面说如果只有一天, 就看最能体现历史的, 长城) However, which place deserve visiting if a foreign visitor only have one-day time(单复数)？Some recommend the Forbidden City for it used to be emperors’ palace some hundred years ago when China was one of the most powerful countries in the world; others argue that this foreigner should visit Hangzhou because there is an old saying that Hangzhou is as beautiful as heaven.(这个说出来没什么意义, 还列举一大堆论据去论证跟你观点不一样的观点, 又不驳斥它们, 等于在挖自己墙角, 一个形容词加个地名用问句简洁地写出来作为陪衬就行了) Those(紧接之前的内容用These) recommendation both seem to be reasonable, however, I am fully convinced that if only having one-day time, this foreign visitor should pay a visit to the Great Wall.(你自己的观点反而不初步介绍理由, 显得很不足. 这段作为首段而言内容有些累述, 而且信息量很少, 特别是有用的信息, 只能看出你选了长城, 其它的内容都觉得很多余)

One major reason of choosing the Great Wall to visit lies in the recognition that the Great Wall stands for the long history of our country. This construction has existed for more than two thousand years just as old as the Chinese civilization. The reason why so many foreigners are long for taking a trip in China is that its long history attracts them so much. Since these foreign tourists are so interested in our country’s history, isn’t it a wise choice for the foreigner who only have one-day time spent in China. Along with this foreigner’s climbing the Great Wall, he may also obtain more information about the Great Wall as well as our country because there are a great many steles on both sides of the Great Wall telling the history story occurring there.(这段建立在一个前提假设之上, 即长城代表历史是大家都知道的事情, 对于这点你没有提出论证, 但本题的意思显然希望能介绍下那景点. 比如古代人什么时候建的, 砖头多么苍苍..云云, 感觉这段就是没有写完)

In addition to its long history, there are many other reasons that can be added. This construction is called the eighth wonder in the world. It is hard to image that our ancestors could construct such a huge wall on the mountains two thousand years ago.(开头没有把分论点组织好就会造成分论点重复或者不在同一个逻辑层面上. 这里就是这样, 历史为什么能吸引人? 因为通过它知道我们祖先很牛B...等等, 你这段这部分内容等于是在深入解释上一段. 因为段落开头的说法很笼统, 后面的内容就显得很散乱, 导致文章整体结构不清晰) Additionally, it is said by Yang Liwei, a      Chinese astronaut, that the Great Wall is one of the two constructions that could be seen in space. (这个应该算外观壮丽吧, 可以分出来单写一条, 比如说登上长城心旷神怡极目远眺吞吐天地之类的, 这样就跟上一段成并列了)Standing on the top of the Great Wall, I am sure that the foreigner will admire how wonderful the Great Wall is.  (显得缺乏细节, 最好描写一下看到的景色)

From what have been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that the Great Wall is the best choice for a foreigner who only has one-day time. This foreign tourist could not only know more much more information about Chinese history from visiting the Great Wall but also see this eighth wonder in the world. I bet that this foreign tourist will not regret visiting it.

总评:
BODY第二段的内容有些混乱, 定位不清楚
BODY总体太短, 没有什么展开的内容, 开头又太长, 使得文章没有信息量, 缺乏说服力
笼统概述太多, 生动细节描写太少, 不利于证明自己的论点, 使文章显得空洞
语言上短句子占太多了, 基本没有复杂结构, 不利于证明你的语言驾驭能力, 也让文章的组织显得散乱, 可以用从句和分词结构把逻辑关系比较紧密的句子连写, 并适当使用倒装等高级结构

wj78xxUID: 2241966

Recently, an increasing number of foreign tourists choose to take a trip in China. They will always spend some days in China visiting numerous places of interest.
(前后内容不构成转折关系, 不宜用however. 另外这点跟你的陈述很生涩, 显得没有信息量, 看那么多地方干嘛, 跟主题有什么关系么? 这里最好能暗示出后文结构, 比如你这里写看很多东西了解中国的历史, 然后后面说如果只有一天, 就看最能体现历史的, 长城)
In recent years there has been an increasing influx in China of foreign tourists who are always attracted by its beautiful natural scenery and abundant cultural relics.
(In the commencement of an argument, some random reflections of the background is essentially necessary and strongly recommended)

However, which place deserve visiting if a foreign visitor only have one-day time(单复数)？
What should be recommended if a foreign tourist choose a one-day trip to China?
Some recommend the Forbidden City for it used to be emperors’ palace some hundred years ago when China was one of the most powerful countries in the world;
Some may mention the Forbidden City, which is known for its magnificent architecture.
others argue that this foreigner should visit Hangzhou because there is an old saying that Hangzhou is as beautiful as heaven.
Others argue that a trip to Hang Zhou is desirable as the enchanting beauty of West Lake has attracted flocks of visitors.
(这个说出来没什么意义, 还列举一大堆论据去论证跟你观点不一样的观点, 又不驳斥它们, 等于在挖自己墙角, 一个形容词加个地名用问句简洁地写出来作为陪衬就行了)
Those(紧接之前的内容用These) recommendation both seem to be reasonable, however, I am fully convinced that if only having one-day time, this foreign visitor should pay a visit to the Great Wall.
(你自己的观点反而不初步介绍理由, 显得很不足. 这段作为首段而言内容有些累述, 而且信息量很少, 特别是有用的信息, 只能看出你选了长城, 其它的内容都觉得很多余)
My proposition is that, given a one-day trip, the best place that deserves such a visit should be the Great Wall.
The opening paragraph is effective as it makes a comparison among a catalog of China’s scenic spots, which is to convince the reader that the argument is well-grounded and well rounded. It is a well-structured passage with few grammatical mistakes. Still, the author should aim at succinctness and lucidness in the unfolding of the narrative.
For reference only.