求助高手帮忙改 个作文

sanmuyi3868111UID: 2332555

Ｐｅｏｐｌｅ　ｈａｖｅ　ｄｉｆｆｅｒｅｎｔ　ｗａｙｓ　of escaping stress and differenties of modern life. Which do you think is the best way of reducing stress?
With the increasing stress and difficulties of modern life, people have to choose many ways of escaping stress and difficulties such as reading, listening to the music, working in their gardens and so forth, however, I consider taking exercise is the best way for me to reduce stress. The reasons and examples listed below will strengthen my point of view.
  One chief reason, which can be seen by every person, is that physical exercise is the best way which release mood and gain delight. Take my experiences for example, I often feel exhausted after a day of learning, in this case, I will choose to have a jogging in the playground at night. By running, I feel relaxed and even more excited. Furthermore, because of the variety forms of exercises, people have more chance to choose the pattern which is fit to them.
  The second one, however, is from another viewpoint. We are able to keep healthy by taking exercises while acquiring a good mood. Obviously, physical exercises enable us more strong and solid by meanings of accelerating the speed of blood circulating, providing adequate oxygen for each cell. Not only benefit our emotions, but also our bodies. In this sense, it is better to choose physical exercise as my method to reduce stress.
  What’s more, taking exercise is the best practice to give vent to our discontent. Notably, we often encounter unfair treatment, or unprovoked attack by boss, which make us full of anger and stress. There is no doubt that exercise is an ideal method to reduce stress and vent anger as well as not hurt others.
  In a nutshell, in my opinion, exercise is the best way to reduce stress and escape difficulties. Though many people select the practices of reading, singing, working, yet I support taking exercises as my own way for the reasons mentioned.

kevinliu6883UID: 2338522

It looks you have only one way to get relieved! is it a panacea?

suggest to condense your article.

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

With the increasing stress and difficulties of modern life, people have to choose many ways of escaping stress and difficulties such as reading, listening to the music, working in their gardens and so forth,(这里应该断句, 另外逻辑上不构成转折不适合用however, 用according to me, while之类就可以了) however, I consider taking exercise is the best way for me to reduce stress. The reasons and examples listed below will strengthen my point of view.

  One chief reason, which can be seen by every person,(用个as commonsense之类的简短些) is that physical exercise is the best way which release mood and gain delight. Take my experiences for example, I often feel exhausted after a day of learning, in this case, I will choose to have a jogging in the playground at night. By running, I feel relaxed and even more excited.(more excited和哪里对应? 如果是前面的工作那么这种递进关系等于是在强化与工作对应的疲劳, 所以这里的逻辑关系不严谨.) (感觉这里说的很笼统, 怎么放松为什么放松都没说, 显得没有细节, 可以用些心理描写身体状态描写来丰富文章内容) Furthermore, because of the variety forms of exercises, people have more chance to choose the pattern which is fit to them.(这里可以用个小列举强化观点, 形名结构在这种地方很有用. 另外你这句陈述跟论点没有建立关系, 能选择合适的不一定能代表就能放松心情, 而且在段首你已经写明是"for me to reduce...", 这里的展开其实没多大必要)

  The second one, however, is from another viewpoint.(多余, 而且however用这也不合适, 去掉) We are able to keep healthy by taking exercises while acquiring a good mood.(这个不是这段的观点, 最好用别的词标释出来, 比如as mentioned) Obviously, physical exercises enable us more strong and solid by meanings of accelerating the speed of blood circulating, providing adequate oxygen for each cell. Not only benefit our emotions, but also our bodies.(这句话没主语) In this sense, it is better to choose physical exercise as my method to reduce stress.

  What’s more, taking exercise is the best practice to give vent to our discontent. Notably, we often encounter unfair treatment, or unprovoked attack by boss, which make us full of anger and stress.(严格来讲这个论点跟第一个论点是重复的, 所以你后面的展开也很无力, 不如说锻炼意志品质之类的) There is no doubt that exercise is an ideal method to reduce stress and vent anger as well as not hurt others.

  In a nutshell, in my opinion, exercise is the best way to reduce stress and escape difficulties. Though many people select the practices of reading, singing, working, yet I support taking exercises as my own way for the reasons mentioned.

总评:
语言上用词比较单调, 一直在excise, 用些别的physical training, sports, outdoor acitivies之类的. 语法上没多大问题, 但文章总体有些凌乱.
论证缺乏深度, 两个论点都是用obviously这种理由来支持的, 所以显得展开不足, 比如第二点, 完全可以写自己通过锻炼胃口好了身体好了吃嘛嘛香生活质量提高很多
结构上比较清晰, 但第三个论点跟第一个重复. 写之前最好先规划下每段的论证展开, 不要一边写一边想, 特别是不确定的点
总之还是比较不错的文章, 可以在丰富语言和论证上下点功夫, 相信能有很大的提高.加油!

sanmuyi3868111UID: 2332555

谢谢版主……感激涕零……小妹仔细研究