Argument147 [METTLE互助小组]第二次作业 by hejielady

hejieladyUID: 2282175

ARGUEMENT
全文
147The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

The statement of the editorial seems sound at the first glance, a further analyzing nevertheless indicated that it is unreasonable to take grant that the trend of the product sales is to be reversed for the reason that the video-game introduced with an extensive advertising campaign were perfectly in accordance with the results of the recently survey. The arguer also failed to take other significant factors that may cause the turnover into account. Thus, the editorial suffers from some illogical problems, which prevent them from convincing us as what it stated.

In the first place, I have to point out that it is improper to claim that the 'survey' on video-game players is correspondent to the products and advertisement of Whirlwinds'. There is insufficient evidence like the age or gender of the people who were investigated in the editorial. The investigation may directed at people any ages, while the Whirlwind introduced the games with an extensive advertising campaign at people 10 to 25 years old; and the majority of the people who are investigated may be ladies, the survey then was not applicable to the conclusion. In addition, since the video-game were equipped with the most up-to-date computers, the price of them must be very high. Even if they were 10 to 25 years old, most of them were enable to afford to these high-tech products. Therefore, it is not accurate to assert that the turnover of Whirlwind video games will increase.

Moreover, any other possibilities may serve the selling amount of the Whirlwind video games should be taken into consideration. It is completely possible that the Whirlwind' were still in a bad selling condition; other reasons may caused the Whirlwind lost its customs, bad marketing strategies, unsatisfied after-sale service and irrational selling prices and so on and so forth. Without pondering and ruling out all these and other elements may serve the results of shrink of the turnover, it is not safe for the arguer to draw the verdict in the editorial.

Last but not least, even though the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase, the growth rate could not be that dramatic as the arguers argued; or the turnover may amplify after a long period but not in merely few months. Fierce competitions are prevailing in today's market, and business dealings are not as easy as ever before. Facing with a vast array of beautiful and fine new products, thus, without the very complicated marketing strategies and after the wanton and indiscriminate bombing of advertisements and the numerous experiments of the customers, it is impossible to make more then the widest guess at when the customers would accept the new products. Consequently, the Whirlwind should not be so confident for their new products selling without any assurance.

Having analyzed all the illogical and unreasonable evidence mentioned above, it is obvious that the arguer cannot safely draw the conclusion alleged in the editorial. To strengthen the argument, the author should investigate and lay out more specific details and scientific statistics. Besides, it is very necessary for the arguer to ponder every possible factors may serve the selling results of the new products.

iq28UID: 2152875

The statement of the editorial seems sound at the first glance, a further analyzing nevertheless indicated that it is unreasonable to take grant that the trend of the product sales is to be reversed for the reason that the video-game introduced with an extensive advertising campaign were perfectly in accordance with the results of the recently survey. The arguer also failed to take other significant factors that may cause the turnover into account. (没看懂,什么叫作者忽略了可能把营业额转化到帐单上的重要因素?) Thus, the editorial suffers from some illogical problems, which prevent them (这个指代对么?) from convincing us as what it stated. (开头没必要那么长,有这么多时间不如加强body.当然平心而论,开头总结相当不错.如果body25分钟内写到550+了可以考虑剩下的时间雕琢开头结尾.)

In the first place, I have to point out that it is improper to claim that the 'survey' on video-game players is correspondent to the products and advertisement of Whirlwinds'. (你怎么知道就一定不correspondent了?作者没有说survey的对象就是advertisement的对象,但至少也没有说survey的对象就不是ad的对象吧?所以至少得加上一个may) (下面做得也不够好.ts指出的是一个大方向的问题,你主要讨论的是对象的不匹配性(年龄和性别,尽管性别那个说得比较无厘头)是组成这个不匹配的元素错误,一个一个单独孤立地罗列显然不是很好.首先可以指出,你所说的不匹配是对象上的不匹配,然后再分为年龄和性别上.) There is insufficient evidence like the age or gender (如果不点明这些点对于match的具体影响在何,那这些就是废话,比如gender) of the people who were investigated in the editorial. The investigation may directed at people any ages, while the Whirlwind introduced the games with an extensive advertising campaign at people 10 to 25 years old; and the majority of the people who are investigated may be ladies, the survey then was not applicable to the conclusion. (yy了吧...扯太远了.材料里面压根没提到ladies的事情,你非要再造出来这个错误...) (前面都在集中攻击人员匹配的问题,下面转移到了高价的硬件上) In addition, since the video-game were equipped with the most up-to-date computers, (?什么叫游戏装备着顶级电脑?) the price of them must be very high. Even if they were 10 to 25 years old, (这犯不着这么让步,如果不让步的话,假设是40岁的成功男人,那不是很可能买的起了...) most of them were enable to afford to these high-tech products. Therefore, it is not accurate to assert that the turnover of Whirlwind video games will increase. (总结相当糟糕.开头只是说到了ad v.s. survey.如果非要总结到销量不会上升,therefore前面必须先总结不匹配的那个层次然后才能导出销量不会上升)

Moreover, any other (你的other针对的是什么?前面的段落并没有特别指出不match会怎么对销售造成影响,所以这里的another就很突兀.确实非常明显不match肯定会undermine作者说W会增加销量的推理,但是你必须指出这一点,否则这个other不合适.) possibilities may serve the selling amount of the Whirlwind video games should be taken into consideration. It is completely possible that the Whirlwind' were still in a bad selling condition; (太笼统了,而且还是在暗示前面的新游戏和survey没有起到作用,不完全属于other possibilities的范畴;如果你觉得已经beyond那个范畴了,请写得具体一点,至少让别人能一眼看出来) other reasons may caused the Whirlwind lost its customs, bad marketing strategies, (前面的ad还有作者认为的survey对于产品的支持你都无视了?那不就是隶属于strategies么???) unsatisfied after-sale service and irrational selling prices (零散地给出了两个实例...sigh.没有形成系统) and so on and so forth. Without pondering and ruling out all these and other elements may serve the results of shrink of the turnover, it is not safe for the arguer to draw the verdict in the editorial. (首先这一段从宏观结构上来说放在最后比较合理,类似于补充说明;其次本段上也没有讲到太多实质上的other possibilities,只是一笔带过的两个实例稍微合理一些,单薄了.)

Last but not least, even though the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase, the growth rate could not (少用这种太绝对的字眼吧) be that dramatic as the arguers argued; or the turnover may amplify after a long period but not in merely few months. (这句话不就是前面的重写么?有什么特别用以么?) Fierce competitions are prevailing in today's market, and business dealings are not as easy as ever before. (这种闲庭信步的话放在800字的issue里面还凑合,一字一金的argument里面需要的是开门见山) Facing with a vast array of beautiful and fine new products, thus, without the very complicated (?为什么要复杂的?) marketing strategies and after the wanton and indiscriminate bombing of advertisements and the numerous experiments of the customers, it is impossible to make more then the widest guess at when the customers would accept the new products. (前面几句尽量精简,紫色的这句留下,写得不错) Consequently, the Whirlwind should not be so confident for their new products selling without any assurance.

Having analyzed all the illogical and unreasonable evidence mentioned above, it is obvious that the arguer cannot safely draw the conclusion alleged in the editorial. To strengthen the argument, the author should investigate and lay out more specific details and scientific statistics. Besides, it is very necessary for the arguer to ponder every possible factors may serve the selling results of the new products.

漏了一个重大的逻辑错误,游戏有了客户喜欢的特征不等于客户会买,漂亮的图画外表这个是材料作者的一大王牌,你却把它放过了,sigh.这个错误个人觉得重要性远远大于对象的不匹配,至于原因请参考下面的帖子.
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=620337&extra=page%3D1%26amp%3Bfilter%3Ddigest&page=1

才第二次作业写成这样已经很好了.
至少比我强:rolleyes:
语言还是相当不错的,流畅.这个是拿到高分的一个很好的基础.
加油.

[ 本帖最后由 iq28 于 2007-6-13 05:05 编辑 ]

hejieladyUID: 2282175

谢谢版主给我改的作文，我会好好参考，好好改的，需要点时间改得更好再给你看看，谢谢！

hejieladyUID: 2282175

The statement of the editorial seems sound at the first blush. A further analyzing nevertheless indicated that it is unreasonable to take grant that the trend of the product sales is to be reversed. The arguer also failed to take other significant factors to which may serve the selling results into account. Thus, the editorial suffers from some illogical problems, which would render itfrom convincing us as what it stated.

Firstly, there is no sufficient statistics provided in the editorial to prove that the demographic group investigated of the survey is correspondent to the enthusiasms that the advertisement campaign directed to. The extensive advertising campaign of Whirlwind was particularly at people 10 to 25 years old, while the survey may have investigated at people any ages. As it is far from assurance to predict the sales of Whirlwind video games will increase, the arguer should present more reliable evidence.

Secondly, resting on the term that the Whirlwind video games which were assembled the most up-to-date computers enjoys the most important feature according to the survey, and then the author infer that the sales is to be reversed in the next months. The fact may not be the case. To determine to by one, a customer may consider many characteristics of a video game, and characteristics like the types, themes and so forth. Consider, if a video game is very graphic but not even nearly have a concept, would anyone willing to buy one?  Moreover, though the Whirlwind products are the right one for the customers’ taste, the author failed to consider whether the demographic group of 10-25 years old could afford to buy one. Unless after making a comprehensively analyze and showing us the concrete results, it is not safe for the author to draw such a confident perdition that the sales of Whirlwind would be raise.

Thirdly, the editorial is too confident about the prospect of the new products to ignore some important factors may caused the two-year decrease of Whirlwind’s products. It is completely possible that the Whirlwind lost its customers as results in irrational selling prices or poor after-sale service or any other possible reasons. Even if the Whirlwind introduced the player-contended video games along with the advertisement campaign, the selling condition may remains bad condition unless these problems were solved.

Finally, even though the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase, the turnover may not be that dramatic in merely few months as the arguers argued. Facing with a vast array of beautiful and fine new products, it is impossible to make more then the widest guess at when the customers would accept the new products. Thus, the Whirlwind should not be so confident for their new products selling without any assurance.

Having analyzed all the illogical and unreasonable evidence mentioned above, it is obvious that the arguer cannot safely draw the conclusion alleged in the editorial. To strengthen the argument, the author should investigate and lay out more specific details and scientific statistics. Besides, it is very necessary for the arguer to ponder every possible factors may serve the selling results of the new products.

iq28UID: 2152875

扫了一下
much better
加油:)

hejieladyUID: 2282175

呵呵，谢谢哦！ 不过怎样才能更好呢？如果想A拿满分的话，怎样才可以的做到呢，版主！