argument65

laura001UID: 2295927

这是篇旧作,由于有些问题不懂,想斑竹请教:
1,这篇自己列具体数字论证可以吗?
2,使徒有篇文章专门讲不要批SURVEY,易雷同.那设计SURVEY都不批了吗?可是新东方批SURVEY的笔记写的是最多.那我这篇批SURVEY可以不?
3,感觉去了摸版,剩下的东西就不多了.

Argument65   题目：ARGUMENT 65 - The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.

"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."

Words:497  

The president claims that they should discontinue stocking imported cheeses and focus on domestic cheeses to improve profits. To support this conclusion president merely states two evidences in his or her memo: 1.The five best-selling cheeses at their newest store were all domestic cheese. 2.A recent survey by Cheese of the World indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses. However, careful examination of this supporting evidence  reveals that it lends little credible support to the president’s claim.



To begin with, the president unfairly assumes the best-selling cheeses are domestic cheeses simply based on one particular store's statistic. It is entire possible that the customers living around this newest store happened to prefer domestic cheese from Wisconsin. Or perhaps the newest store is located in Wisconsin and the residents of Wisconsin prefer cheeses of their own state. The president fails to consider the five best-selling at other stores. Possibly the top best-selling cheeses of other scores are all imported cheeses. What is more, the data of the five best-selling at their newest store were from last year. It is likely that the costume change their tastes, and they all prefer imported cheeses this year.  
  


Moreover, unless the president can provide more substantial evidence concerning amount of those magazine subscribers, his conclusion can not be properly drawn. Because magazine subscribers’ preference for domestic cheeses could not represent the overall cheese customers’ opinions. In fact, the total amount of cheese customers is far larger than that of the particular magazine subscribers, who can afford to buy this magazine. Even it is true that Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers, but it is possible that proportion of preference for domestic cheeses is just from 1% to 5% , far smaller than that of imported ones. Thus the conclusion drawn based on this survey is specious



Last but not least, the mere fact that the president substantiates all of the foregoing assumption is insufficient evidence to conclude that the best way to improve profits is to discontinue stocking the imported cheeses and focusing on domestic cheeses. The president didn't indicate the profit ratio of imported cheese to domestic one. Perhaps imported cheeses usually are sold to restaurants with a relatively high price, so that imported cheeses are much more profitable that domestic cheeses. On the contrary, the majority of domestic cheeses' customers are composed of housewives who are more sensitive to the price. It is also likely that the profit of selling domestic cheeses is quite low and selling imported cheeses contributed 75% profits for the stores.



To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the president maintains. To strengthen the argument, the president would provide more evidences concerning the data of the best-selling cheeses at all their stores, a more comprehensive survey about cheese customers' preference and the accurate profit ratio of imported cheeses and domestic cheeses.

[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2007-6-11 22:17 编辑 ]

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

这是篇旧作,由于有些问题不懂,想斑竹请教:
1,这篇自己列具体数字论证可以吗? (建议不要, 看了你的用法显得不合适, 不是引用权威数据而是自己造, 这样显得论据不足)
2,使徒有篇文章专门讲不要批SURVEY,易雷同.那设计SURVEY都不批了吗?可是新东方批SURVEY的笔记写的是最多.那我这篇批SURVEY可以不? (就是因为新东方给的太多了大家写出来都一样, 批SURVEY已经变成鸡肋了, 能不批就不批, 当然这道题的不一样, 它是有背景的SURVEY, 调查人, 调查对象都给出了, 错误非常明显, 针对它批上一番没有问题)
3,感觉去了摸版,剩下的东西就不多了. (模版造成了论证没有针对性, 句子含义晦涩, 表达不精确, 所以我建议在写作中逐渐抛弃模版)

Argument65   题目：ARGUMENT 65 - The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.

"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."

Words:497  

The president claims that they should discontinue stocking imported cheeses and focus on domestic cheeses to improve profits. To support this conclusion president merely states two evidences in his or her memo: 1.The five best-selling cheeses at their newest store were all domestic cheese. 2.A recent survey by Cheese of the World indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses. However, careful examination of this supporting evidence  reveals that it lends little credible support to the president’s claim.



To begin with, the president unfairly assumes the best-selling cheeses are domestic cheeses (针对作者所提到的商店而言确实是如此, 你在这里没有指明作者错误推广的范围, 需要加定语修饰, 指出全国范围) simply based on one particular store's statistic. It is entire possible that the customers living around this newest store happened to prefer domestic cheese from Wisconsin. Or perhaps the newest store is located in Wisconsin and the residents of Wisconsin prefer cheeses of their own state. (这两个可能性没太大区别, 第二个还可以涵盖第一个, 注意本题提到了newest, 所以最好围绕这个做文章, 比如新店开张跟国产奶酪有什么合作宣传, 或者新店跟老店情况非常不一样, 等等)The president fails to consider the five best-selling at other stores. Possibly the top best-selling cheeses of other scores are all imported cheeses.(so what? 没考虑其它的造成的是什么问题? 整段你都在说作者只考虑新店没考虑其它的, 但这样论证的问题在哪呢? --它们不能说明在其它地方进口奶酪就不受欢迎, 有了这个逻辑层次才能削弱作者的结论, 需要点出这个逻辑点然后给出它因可能, 其它地方的商店可能进口奶酪卖得很好, 等等) What is more, the data of the five best-selling at their newest store were from last year. It is likely that the costume change their tastes, and they all prefer imported cheeses this year. (or it is likely that they do not change...这里用的口气很绝对, 这种猜测显得无事生非, 为了增强自己的说服力, 不妨改为"since fashion, news and other factors can shift the consumers' tastes in even months, we may sufficiently suspect that.....")
  


Moreover, unless the president can provide more substantial (模版的毛病出来了, evidence应该用effective, conclusion之类的才是substantial) evidence(这里用evidence也很不合适, 那个survey本来就是个evidence, 何来再要evidence之说? 应该说inform that indicates the survey is representative and effective) concerning amount of those magazine subscribers, his conclusion can not be properly drawn. Because magazine subscribers’ preference for domestic cheeses could not represent the overall cheese customers’ opinions. In fact, the total amount of cheese customers is far larger than that of the particular magazine subscribers, who can afford to buy this magazine. (这两句的句子结构有些问题, 第二句是用来解释第一句的, 那么第二句的主语紧跟第一句, 应该是第一句的主语, 这样结构对应便于说明, 而第二句最关键的部分也就是你的论据却被放到了起不到强调功能的从句中, 相反第二句的主句却是在重复第一句的内容, 造成的结果就是重点不突出, 直到读完最后一句话才知道你想说的是什么. 建议改成: Lacking of such information, the survey seems to have picked some special group as its sample, which cannot stand for the overall view of cheese consumers. As we know, a certain magazine may have its certain readers, who share some specifical diets when concerning the magazine is on food stuff. Such a fact may establish a result that the subscribers of Cheeses of the World, following its possible focus or advertises on domestic cheeses, will prefer domestic, while the rest consumers like import cheeses. Considering this situation is highly possible, the author's conclusion on demostic cheeses' predomination is vunerable. ) Even it is true that Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers, but it is possible that proportion of preference for domestic cheeses is just from 1% to 5%(不用这么具体的数字, 这样会使你的猜测显得很吹毛求疵, 只要说差异不大可能这种差异可以靠价格弥补之类的就可以了) , far smaller than that of imported ones. Thus the conclusion drawn based on this survey is specious (这段攻击的通病是你在提出了作者的错误后没有指出这种错误怎样削弱了作者的论证, 总是没点到就止了, 总存在逻辑断点, 要知道ARGUMENT的主题句就是那句说作者结论错了的, 所以全文要以此为原点展开, 否则你再多的攻击都会显得没有方向)



Last but not least, the mere fact that the president substantiates all of the foregoing assumption (what assumpution? 太笼统了, 直接套的模版?) is insufficient evidence to conclude that the best way to improve profits is to discontinue stocking the imported cheeses and focusing on domestic cheeses.(这个主题句写的有问题, 你这里是想让步吧, 至少写个IF啊, 让步不是简单写"假如前面的都成立", 你这样一让步前面都在论证作者的中心论点那你不是等于承认作者的中心论点有效了么? 因此让步的时候一定要注意恰倒好处, 把作者的中心论点和他的论据所能点到的层次脱离开来, 说"即使以上的论证能够证明国产奶酪在销量和人气上有一定优势....", 这样限定了作者的正确性, 然后才能留给自己余地展开) The president didn't indicate the profit ratio of imported cheese to domestic one. Perhaps imported cheeses usually are sold to restaurants with a relatively high price, so that imported cheeses are much more profitable that domestic cheeses. (老是perhaps, 重复太多了, 这里用个Since it is very possible/common, It seems reasonable, There may be such facts...等等) On the contrary, the majority of domestic cheeses' customers are composed of housewives who are more sensitive to the price. It is also likely that the profit of selling domestic cheeses is quite low and selling imported cheeses contributed 75% profits for the stores.(SO? 即使国产奶酪受欢迎转向它们也未必会盈利, 论证要完整) (还可以说说比如有特定的顾客就喜欢进口的所以全做国产的可能会造成供求不平衡反而使国产奶酪销路不好, 国产奶酪和进口奶酪库存要求不一样可能后者不储存了前者也多存不了, 以及机会成本, 社会效应, 海外市场等等..)



To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the president maintains. To strengthen the argument, the president would provide more evidences concerning the data of the best-selling cheeses at all their stores, a more comprehensive survey about cheese customers' preference and the accurate profit ratio of imported cheeses and domestic cheeses.

总评: 语言上有些匮乏, 特别是对可能性推理上, 需要多积累些用法和引出可能性的关键词.
论证上比较单薄, 而且总是不完整, 提出一些很琐碎的它因, 这种它因往往攻击力很弱, 相反如果给一个很GENERAL的它因, 那么这种它因往往发生概率更高些, 如果能用推理去支持它就更好了.
结构上比较清楚, 但对让步递进式结构的把握还有待加强, 可以去精华区翻翻.

总的感觉比以前进步非常大, 加油~

[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2007-6-11 22:20 编辑 ]