argument200 第四篇 by kici

kiciUID: 169506

TOPIC: ARGUMENT200 - Statistics collected from dentists indicate that three times more men than women faint while visiting the dentist. This evidence suggests that men are more likely to be distressed about having dental work done than women are. Thus, dentists who advertise to attract patients should target the male consumer and emphasize both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous or suffering patients.
WORDS: 494          TIME: 00:50:00          DATE: 2007-7-6 17:51:35

居然越写时间越长，从35分钟一直到现在50分钟……

大致提纲是这样，

1 statistic不对 主要说一下数量不代表 昏厥率问题。

2 男性faint不意味着distressed.

3 女性也很可能更nervous，只是不faint而已.

4 advertise的目标（男性为中心）和方法（麻醉和医护）都存在问题。

感觉可以攻击的点很多，不过写深入还是挺难的。。

The author alleges that the dentists should advertise to attract male patients by the ways of emphasis on both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous. Yet, close scrutiny indicates that the argument is not convincing as it stands.

To begin with, the author fails to prove the statistic data is reliable. How many patients are included in the statistic collect? Is it evenly distributed between both genders? What about their age and other health? Besides, what about the proportion of faint? It is entirely possible that male patients far outnumber the female ones in this sample, who probably 100 males with 30 fainted and 10 female with 10 fainted, women has a high proportion of faint even the number is much lower . Without ample evidence to prove reliable statistic result, the conclusion based on this is unwarranted.

What's more, even if men are inclined to faint, there is no proof that men are nervous. It is fairly possible that some men have heart problems. They faint and fall into coma because of the heart attack. Or the anesthetic time is much shorter for men. And it is also possible that the men is more likely to in pain, such as men's tooth nerves are more sensitive or the teeth are more trouble to take off. If these are the cases, the author cannot draw any fair conclusion.

Besides, the author does not provide efficient evidence that women are not nervous. It is fairly possible that women are more in pain, but women and men handle the pressure differently. Perhaps female scream or cry but do not faint. There is also possibility that the women are so distressed that they prefer remaining pain to going to dentist clinics. Under these circumstances, the argument is not adequate to prove the final conclusion.

Finally, even if the foregoing assumption is true, the suggestion offered by author is still open to doubt in two aspects, target and means. Firstly, the marketing strategy tell us that the successful advertise is to aim to potential customers. But in this argument, no evidence is provided to prove the male are the dominated customers. It has a large chance that female is the larger consumer of the dentist clinics. Secondly, the means, such as emphasis of both the effectiveness of anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff, is unproved. Other alternatives might be more attractive for the customers. For example, it is more likely that people care more about the hygiene of their scalper and tweezers, the effective ness of stopping blood, etc. Without ruling out these possibilities, the suggestion is not valid.

In sum, the argument contains some logic flaws, making it unconvincing. To better bolster this argument, the author should provide more information about the statistic result, and the mental tension of both genders. Also, to support the conclusion, the information about the evaluation of the marketing strategy is necessary,

[ 本帖最后由 kici 于 2007-7-6 17:59 编辑 ]

yaoqian0424UID: 2323517

argument200 第四篇 by kici
TOPIC: ARGUMENT200 - Statistics collected from dentists indicate that three times more men than women faint while visiting the dentist. This evidence suggests that men are more likely to be distressed about having dental work done than women are. Thus, dentists who advertise to attract patients should target the male consumer and emphasize both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous or suffering patients.
WORDS: 494          TIME: 00:50:00          DATE: 2007-7-6 17:51:35
居然越写时间越长，从35分钟一直到现在50分钟……

大致提纲是这样，
1 statistic不对 主要说一下数量不代表 昏厥率问题。
2 男性faint不意味着distressed.
3 女性也很可能更nervous，只是不faint而已.
4 advertise的目标（男性为中心）和方法（麻醉和医护）都存在问题。
感觉可以攻击的点很多，不过写深入还是挺难的。。
The author alleges that the dentists should advertise to attract male patients by the ways of emphasis on both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous. Yet, close scrutiny indicates that the argument is not convincing as it stands.
开头比较简洁，也把要攻击的对象说明白了
To begin with, the author fails to prove the statistic data 这里最好加点限定词说明date的来源 is reliable. How many patients are included in the statistic collect? Is it evenly distributed between both genders? What about their age and other health这个观点不错，医学角度讲昏厥有很多影响因素的? Besides, what about the proportion of faint? It is entirely possible that male patients far outnumber the female ones in this sample, who probably 100 males with 30 fainted and 10 female with 10 fainted这段有点语病Who的指代不清, women has a high 是higher proportion of faint even the number is much lower . Without ample evidence to prove reliable statistic result, the conclusion based on this is unwarranted.但是你在这段里连那个被你批为错误的结论都没有提一下呢，而且觉得作者所提到的三倍这个数据也应该露个脸

What's more, even if men are inclined to faint, there is no proof that men are nervous觉得应该点下紧张和昏厥的关系. It is fairly possible that some men have heart problems. They faint and fall into coma because of the heart attack. 斜体两部分的观点是不是有点重复了，都考虑了其他疾病对昏厥的影响 Or the anesthetic time is much shorter for men. And it is also possible that the men is more likely to in pain, such as men's tooth nerves are more sensitive or the teeth are more trouble to take off. If these are the cases, the author cannot draw any fair conclusion.
感觉这段的结构有点散，提出了各种可能的情况，缺少总领句，比如加一句the author fails to rule out the possible alternatives that might account for the faint of men, such alternative includes that ……是否更好

Besides, the author does not provide efficient evidence that women are not 可否改成less 因为文中始终是在比较两者，而不是说women 完全不紧张 nervous. It is fairly possible that women are more in pain, but women and men handle the pressure differently. Perhaps female scream or cry but do not faint. There is also possibility that the women are so distressed that they prefer remaining pain to going to dentist clinics. Under these circumstances, the argument is not adequate to prove the final conclusion.上下两段的结尾句有点相似，我觉得结尾句和主题句一样，最好也能表达点实质内容而不是简单的以conclusion 等指代，看个人喜好啦

Finally, even if the foregoing assumption is true, the suggestion offered by author is still open to doubt in two aspects, target and means. Firstly, the marketing strategy tell us that the successful advertise is to aim to potential customers. But in this argument, no evidence is provided to prove the male are the dominated customers. It has a large chance that female is the larger consumer of the dentist clinics. Secondly, the means, such as emphasis of both the effectiveness of anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff, is unproved我想不是方法未经证实而是方法是否有效未经证实. Other alternatives might be more attractive for the customers. For example, it is more likely that people care more about the hygiene of their scalper and tweezers, the effectiveness of stopping blood, etc. Without ruling out these possibilities, the suggestion is not valid.
这段论述不错

In sum, the argument contains some logic flaws, making it unconvincing. To better bolster this argument, the author should provide more information about the statistic result, and the mental tension of both genders. Also, to support the conclusion, the information about the evaluation of the marketing strategy is necessary,
总的来说，LZ的文章结构清晰，论证有条理
在语言方面也不错，句式同义词变化多，但个别地方还需要多加斟酌
个人意见，仅供参考

kiciUID: 169506

感谢，我段内的论证很薄弱，需要加强。观摩范文去
再次表示感谢。