Argument153 【SWEETBOX小组】第七次作业 by 小破孩

小破孩UID: 2125288

Argument153
The following is from an editorial in the Midvale Observer, a local newspaper.

"Ever since the 1950's, when television sets began to appear in the average home, the rate of crimes committed by teenagers in the country of Alta has steadily increased. This increase in teenage crime parallels the increase in violence shown on television. According to several national studies, even very young children who watch a great number of television shows featuring violent scenes display more violent behavior within their home environment than do children who do not watch violent shows. Furthermore, in a survey conducted by the Observer, over 90 percent of the respondents were parents who indicated that prime-time television—programs that are shown between 7 p.m. and 9 p.m.—should show less violence. Therefore, in order to lower the rate of teenage crime in Alta, television viewers should demand that television programmers reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time."

Words: 608
Time: 30min + revision

In the above argument, the arguer suggests reduce violence-including programs during prime time to decrease the teenage crimes. However, the arguer fails to reveal the real reasons causing the teenage crime as illustrated below.

First of all, whether actually there is any increase of teenage crime in Alta is open to doubt. The mere fact that the teenage crime rate parallels with the increase violence in televisions from 1950s is insufficient to set up a causal relationship. Nothing is provided about the overall or teenagers population increase in Alta from 1950, nor are we told how the teenage crime rate is calculated. If Alta has a large increase in teenager population with relatively stable overall population, then the teenage crime rate may not actually increased but just at relative level due to larger number of teenagers. Or perhaps the definition of teenage crime changes dramatically since 1950, which renders the teenage crime rate not even comparable. Therefore, without specific illustration of the above aspects which might influence the teenage crime rate, hardly can we make any conclusion about the fluctuation of teenage crime rate.

Secondly, even if we concede that teenage crime rate does increase over years; whether the study could indicate the violence in television programs is the main cause needs further analysis. On one hand, the focus of the study was very young children, who are not teenagers and their so called violence behaviors in the familiar indicate nothing about its relationship with the teenage crime. On the other hand, whether such violence behavior is due to the television program is suspected. These increase so called violence behavior maybe the results of their enthusiastic to mimic what is shown on televisions, and only mimic them to who they are familiar with in the family whereas those with no violence behavior may just the ones shy to give out any expression no matter whether they have seen the violence or not. Actually, myriads of variable should be taken into consideration upon teenage crimes. For example, factors like punishment and education, example from their parents and other residents in the community, or suitable judgments sensing what is right or wrong cannot be neglected. It might also be the case that those parents of the violence children actually pay little attention about their mental health, thus the violence is mainly due to lack of concern from the parents rather than violence on the televisions. Either of the above scenarios, if true, would cause great doubt about the interpretation of the study that violence in the television programs influence children's behavior.

Moreover, even if assuming what have been discussed above are true, the argument rests on a gratuitous presumption that decrease the violence television programs during prime times would solve the problem. As a matter of fact, as long as there are violence scenes shown in the program, it is inevitable for the teenagers to see those programs. The priority concern is how those teenagers think of those violence scenes. Given proper program viewing guide from parents or instructors from schools, the effect of violence in televisions could be diminished. As long as the teenagers develop their own judgmental standards, the time of showing violence containing television programs is no longer a problem. Otherwise, only after depleting all the violence in the television programs can we eliminate their potential influence. Thus, the suggestion that changing the television program time would help decrease the teenage crime rate is too hasty.

Taken together, the argument is not well reasoned as it stands. Without given thorough discussion about the situations and the reasons of the teenage crimes, the arguer's advice cannot be adopted.

虽然是30分钟写完的，不过后来改的时候发现第一段根本就跑提了，没有仔细看题，郁闷郁闷
为什么我总是写得这么慢呢~~~

jiangyue011UID: 2340595

先怒赞一把. 30分钟就完成了这么长的文章. 再看能挑多少刺.

jiangyue011UID: 2340595

In the above argument, the arguer suggests reduce (reducing) violence-including programs during prime time to decrease the teenage crimes. However, the arguer fails to reveal the real reasons causing the teenage crime as illustrated below.

First of all, whether actually there is any increase of teenage crime in Alta is open to doubt. The mere fact that the teenage crime rate parallels with the increase violence in televisions from 1950s is insufficient to set up a causal relationship. Nothing is provided about the overall or teenagers population increase in Alta from 1950, nor are we told how the teenage crime rate is calculated. If Alta has a large increase in teenager population with relatively stable overall population, then the teenage crime rate may not actually increased but just at relative level due to larger number of teenagers. Or perhaps the definition of teenage crime changes dramatically since 1950, which renders the teenage crime rate not even comparable. Therefore, without specific illustration of the above aspects which might influence the teenage crime rate, hardly can we make any conclusion about the fluctuation of teenage crime rate.
貌似这段提干上说了有犯罪的上升,所以我觉得是否要批这个,特别是放在第一点是不是可以讨论下.

Secondly, even if we concede that teenage crime rate does increase over years; whether the study could indicate the violence in television programs is the main cause needs further analysis. On one hand, the focus of the study was very young children, who are not teenagers and their so called violence behaviors in the familiar indicate nothing about its relationship with the teenage crime. On the other hand, whether such violence behavior is due to the television program is suspected. These increase so called violence behavior maybe the results of their enthusiastic to mimic what is shown on televisions, and only mimic them to who they are familiar with in the family whereas those with no violence behavior may just the ones shy to give out any expression no matter whether they have seen the violence or not. (似乎还是在说暴力从电视上得到的,呵呵)Actually, myriads of variable should be taken into consideration upon teenage crimes. For example, factors like punishment and education, example from their parents and other residents in the community, or suitable judgments sensing what is right or wrong cannot be neglected. It might also be the case that those parents of the violence children actually pay little attention about their mental health, thus the violence is mainly due to lack of concern from the parents rather than violence on the televisions. Either of the above scenarios, if true, would cause great doubt about the interpretation of the study that violence in the television programs influence children's behavior.

Moreover, even if assuming what have been discussed above are (is) true, the argument rests on a gratuitous presumption that decrease the violence television programs during prime times would solve the problem. As a matter of fact, as long as there are violence scenes shown in the program, it is inevitable for the teenagers to see those programs. The priority concern is how those teenagers think of those violence scenes. Given proper program viewing guide from parents or instructors from schools, the effect of violence in televisions could be diminished. As long as the teenagers develop their own judgmental standards, the time of showing violence containing television programs is no longer a problem. Otherwise, only after depleting all the violence in the television programs can we eliminate their potential influence. (这句似乎没有说完,在加上说violence programs inevitable我觉得就好了,)Thus, the suggestion that changing the television program time would help decrease the teenage crime rate is too hasty.

Taken together, the argument is not well reasoned as it stands. Without given thorough discussion about the situations and the reasons of the teenage crimes, the arguer's advice cannot be adopted.
改完了,觉得你的字数已经相当多了,没必要过多追求速度,我觉得.相比你所有其他的阿狗而言,我觉得这篇显得hasty,但是仍然是高分文章,我觉得,呵呵.

小破孩UID: 2125288

hoho，你改的好快，呵呵，这篇写完的时候也没有那么多字，改来改去的不知道怎么办好了~~郁闷
第一段我想说的是从1950开始，总人口的变化和青少年的变化都不知道，也不知道他的这个rate是怎么算的，如果数量/总人口那可能总人口变化不大反而是青少年人口变多，那rate增加也是合理的~~~不知道我自己说明白没，呵呵
第二段那里我也觉得有点不合适吧，呵呵，那干脆就不要说那点吧，就说调查时小孩，不一定将来会犯罪，crime和violence bahavior还是有区别的吧，呵呵

总是觉得完成作业的时候不着急，可是一旦限时了思路就没那么清晰了，写这也很着急~~~郁闷啊郁闷
昨天报名了，月底的，有压力啊，呵呵
多谢你的修改

jiangyue011UID: 2340595

第一段,我的意思是说象这样的前提, 比如survey,study呀之类的,如果在它们不构成明显错误的情况下,是否值得批.
这篇我觉得一个tricky的地方就是很容易写成crime,但貌似你文中只出现过一次吧.
你作文我觉得应该没太大问题,只要保持状态就好了.

heyser0202UID: 2279592

赞一个~向你学习~想问下关于issue 的问题可以参考北美的提纲么?例子自己找 或者换下会不会被判抄袭呢 ?