issue130 五一互助 必回拍

gluttonUID: 2330210

issue 130 "How children are socializaed today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society"

As our lives becomes more complex than ever, lots of professions in the society need cooperation between individuals, hence, the issue of socialization is concerned by more and more people nowadays. There is no doubt that socialization is a one of the crucial factors that determines our society's future, but we should not overlook other factors that are of equal importance. And to some extent, we are making every effort to better our society although there exist some problems needed to be solved.

Admittedly, socialization is a key factor in the children's education and the dimension of children's socialization more or less affects the future of our society. Education includes lots of aspects such as inculcating knowledge, forming the world view, cooperating with others etc. And socialization is critical for the children's growing up process. The child that can not be socialized in the society doom to be a failure in the future, given the fact that nowadays we are inevitably interacting with each other and leading a isolated life style is not an option for us at present. Also, the extent of the socialization ability children acquired through education somewhat affect the direction toward which our society progress. If lots of children do not grasp well the ability to socialize due to we lack of efficient method to instruct them. Our society will turn out to be one with a large number of individuals who are unwilling to cooperate with other person. This is a very dangerous consequence, since one man can not solve all the problems and lots of jobs need cooperation between people. Then our society may be staggering and it is surely a tragedy for all the human beings. Therefore, we need focus more our attention on the socialization of our children.

However, other elements of the children's education besides socialization also play a significant role in determine the destiny of the society. Only one aspect can not construct a person, and lots of skills are urgent required for us to live in the society. If we are equipped with only one capability such as socialization mentioned above, we may just know how to communicate with people in the future and can not solve practical problems with specific knowledge which we should grasp during our education. This is not the situation we expect to see, for it will be very terrible society and lots of people may die of hunger as even the person who can produce crops may become extinguished. So we should nurture the children will lots of other capabilities besides socialization.   

In addition, the fact that our society is progressing at an unprecedented pace indicates we have already find some solutions to train our children. Some problems including the pollution, conflicts between nations do exist right now, but this can not overshadow the great accomplishment we human beings achieved in recently years. Our lives become more convenient and numerous inventions spring up like bamboo shoots after a spring rain. These, though may not all, are partly attributed by the education system we set up. We concede that there are lots of improvements needed to be made to better the defect of the education, but the evidence showed above at least prove that we already find out some solutions to produce a qualified citizen.

To sum up, socialization is a pivot factor of a child's education, but we need to pay equal attention to other ingredients. And as children are the future of our society, we should constantly make modification to our education system so as to foster a better generation of citizens, hence a splendid society.

lulu花开UID: 2351079

As our lives becomes more complex than ever before, lots of professions in the society need cooperation between individuals, hence, the issue of socialization is concerned by more and more people nowadays. There is no doubt that socialization is a one of the crucial factors that determines our society's future, but we should not overlook other factors that are of equal importance. And to some extent, we are making every effort to better our society although there exist some problems needed to be solved.(完全没有提到教育！应该带一笔)Admittedly, socialization is a key factor in the children's education and the dimension of children's socialization more or less affects the future of our society. Education includes lots of aspects such as inculcating knowledge, forming the world view, cooperating with others etc.（忽然加进教育有哪些那些方面，好突兀啊，而且跟后面也没联系） And socialization is critical（crucial?） for the children's growing up process. The child that can not be socialized in the society doom to be a failure in the future, given the fact that nowadays we are inevitably interacting with each other and leading a（an） isolated life style is not an option for us at present. Also, the extent of the socialization ability children acquired through education somewhat affect the direction toward which our society progress. If lots of children do not grasp well the ability to socialize due to we lack of efficient method to instruct them. Our society will turn out to be one with a large number of individuals who are unwilling to cooperate with other person. This is a very dangerous consequence, since one man can not solve all the problems and lots of jobs need cooperation between people. Then our society may be staggering and it is surely a tragedy for all the human beings. Therefore, we need focus more our attention on the socialization of our children.
(感觉这段话最大的特点就是比较空洞，道理讲了一堆，不停的说社会化重要，教育孩子社会化重要，只在最后提了一下，很多工作需要人们之间的合作。别人看着会觉得很郁闷的，应该把重点放在说社会化能力有哪些，为什么重要，具体一点。)However, other elements of the children's education besides socialization also play a significant role in determine the destiny of the society. Only one aspect can not construct a person, and lots of skills are urgent required for us to live in the society. If we are equipped with only one capability such as socialization mentioned above, we may just know how to communicate with people（难道社会化仅仅指的这个么？太狭隘了） in the future and can not solve practical problems with specific knowledge which we should grasp during our education. This is not the situation we expect to see, for it will be very terrible society and lots of people may die of hunger as even the person who can produce crops may become extinguished. So we should nurture the children will lots of other capabilities besides socialization.   
（这一段和上面的错误差不多，还是非常的空泛，其他的能力有那些，应该多举几个例子，那个种田的人的例子好像并不是特别有说服力。其实这样的例子很好想的啊。还有一点就是我认为论证不在于多不多，少也好多也好，只要非常有说服力，北美范文上面很多段落根本也没什么例子。有思想都是好论证。你这一段的论证太少，而上面一段太多，而且空泛。）In addition, the fact that our society is progressing at an unprecedented pace indicates we have already find some solutions to train our children. Some problems including the pollution, conflicts between nations do exist right now, but this can not overshadow the great accomplishment we human beings achieved in recently years. Our lives become more convenient and numerous inventions spring up like bamboo shoots after a spring rain. These, though may not all, are partly attributed by the education system we set up. We concede that there are lots of improvements （什么样的进步？不说人家会看昏的，也没有说服力）needed to be made to better the defect of the education, but the evidence showed above at least prove that we already find out some solutions to produce a qualified citizen.（我觉得应该深入分析一下现在的教育也非常看重这方面，具体说一下在什么方面看重，举点例子）To sum up, socialization is a pivot factor of a child's education, but we need to pay equal attention to other ingredients. And as children are the future of our society, we should constantly make modification to our education system so as to foster a better generation of citizens, hence a splendid society.

感觉论证不是很Cogent 啊，而且不具体，感觉讲大道理的味道比较重。最后谢谢你拍我的作文，以后多拍，我一定会认真回拍的  嘻嘻

ruczephyrUID: 2181202

As our lives becomes more complex than ever, lots of professions in the society need cooperation between individuals, hence, the issue of socialization is concerned by more and more people nowadays. There is no doubt that socialization is a one of the crucial factors that determines our society's future, but we should not overlook other factors that are of equal importance. And to some extent, we are making every effort to better our society although there exist some problems needed to be solved.

Admittedly, socialization is a key factor in the children's education and the dimension这个词误用了吧 of children's socialization more or less affects the future of our society. Education includes lots of aspects such as inculcating knowledge, forming the world view, cooperating with others etc.怎么没头没脑冒出来这么一句 And socialization is critical for the children's growing up process. The child that can not be socialized in the society doom厄运? to be a failure in the future, given the fact that nowadays we are inevitably interacting with each other and leading a isolated life style is not an option for us at present. Also, the extent of the socialization ability children acquired through education somewhat affect the direction toward which our society progress. If lots of children do not grasp well the ability to socialize due to we lack of efficient method to instruct them. Our society will turn out to be one with a large number of individuals who are unwilling to cooperate with other person. This is a very dangerous consequence, since one man can not solve all the problems and lots of jobs need cooperation between people. Then our society may be staggering and it is surely a tragedy for all the human beings. Therefore, we need focus more our attention on the socialization of our children. 句子之间的逻辑关系比较混乱,思维的跳跃性太大.

However, other elements of the children's education besides socialization also play a significant role in determine the destiny of the society. Only one aspect can not construct a person, and lots of skills are urgent required for us to live in the society. If we are equipped with only one capability such as socialization mentioned above, we may just know how to communicate with people in the future and can not solve practical problems with specific knowledge which we should grasp during our education. 这几句话应该简洁一点This is not the situation we expect to see, for it will be very terrible society and lots of people may die of hunger as even the person who can produce crops may become extinguished. So we should nurture the children will lots of other capabilities besides socialization.   

In addition, the fact that our society is progressing at an unprecedented pace indicates we have already find some solutions to train our children. Some problems including the pollution, conflicts between nations do exist right now, but this can not overshadow the great accomplishment we human beings achieved in recently years. Our lives become more convenient and numerous inventions spring up like bamboo shoots after a spring rain. 这个比喻不好,注意这句你的主语是什么.These, though may not all, are partly attributed by the education system we set up. We concede that there are lots of improvements needed to be made to better the defect of the education, but the evidence showed above at least prove that we already find out some solutions to produce a qualified citizen.感觉这段有点偏题了大部分内容都是在说教育的好处,但是题目的核心应该是如何教育儿童.

To sum up, socialization is a pivot factor of a child's education, but we need to pay equal attention to other ingredients. And as children are the future of our society, we should constantly make modification to our education system so as to foster a better generation of citizens, hence a splendid society.

ruczephyrUID: 2181202

此外让步段应该和你的正面论证联系起来

[ 本帖最后由 ruczephyr 于 2007-7-8 16:17 编辑 ]