[小邪作文小组] forbeck的作文主贴 （7.15task1更新）

forbeckUID: 2297645

Task 1: The graph show the GDP growth in the United States, Japan and the rest of Asia between 1995 and 2001.
(From Version 94)

This line cruve throws light on the trends related to growth in GDP in US ,Japan and the rest of Asia between the years 1995 to 2001.

Notably,there was a clear comparison on the GDP growth between US and the rest of Asia.Let’s take a closer look at this graph.From 1995 to 1999,GDP increased moderately in America from 4 to 10. On the contrary, due to the Asian Finacial Crisis, the GDP in Asia except Japan dropped enormously from 9 to 8 then continued to decrease to 4 until 1999.After they recovered from this disaster, the situation changed dramatically,the Asian countries and US changed their roles,as we can see that in which the GDP in Asian countries boomed to 10 in 2001 as American did in 1999 who got a slight reduction.

Then turn to Japan , there was a fluctuation in the GDP growth, during the first two years, it took a upward trend to reach its first peak in 1996,followed by a considerable decrease before the GDP  reached its second peak.
(173 words)




[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-7-16 22:57 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

Task 2:
Earlier technological development brought to more benefits and changed the life of ordinary people than the recent technological development ever will. To what extent, do you Agree or Disagree?
(06.7.29 考试题目)

First of all , to discuss this statement effectively,it might be helpful to determine exactly what earlier and modern technologies mean.In most general sense,the Technology Revolution Ⅲ was the delimitation of the two types . However,when it comes to comparing the efforts those earlier technology and modern technology brought to us ,things become more difficult.

Actually, it is difficult for me to think how people managed their lives before the widespread use of everyday technologies such as the Internet and mobile phones which we now take for granted. In this respect,we should admit that modern technology make life more convenient and our life gets better when technology is simplier.Despite this ,when we check our email accounts,how often do we stop to question ourselves,how and where did the modern technology come from?

The earlier technology brought our human world into a new fresh one,stepping from agricultural society towards to industrial society.It is the basement of everything which benefits us today.Imagine for a moment, if there were no earlier technology,how would you know what trains look like? Or how can you read without light for a long time? How could you contact your friend immediately when you miss each other without a telephone? It goes without saying that without the development of earlier technology, we could never gain the modern one .

Highlighting the importance of earlier technology does not inspire inventors,designers and engineers to put their most attention to the history of technology,but encourage them to draw the essence then focus on the modern technology and the future.  
(258words)

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-7-12 17:18 编辑 ]

vlcbUID: 2132650

对task1的一点小意见：
1. GDP growth increased from 4 to 10. (not GDP, i think)
2. the 3rd paragraph needs conj.
3. 第二段中的after they 我觉得 “they” 有点问题。
4. 第二段结尾那句感觉有点问题。

总之，我觉得你写得很好，里面有些短语和句子感觉很不错。比我的chinglish好得多。我基本上还是使用的以前的那些简单句。

[ 本帖最后由 vlcb 于 2007-7-12 15:56 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

谢谢谢谢！
1 你说了我才反应过来，说实话，这个图给的数据，我一直认为是GDP增长率，应该是这样吧？
2 说实话，整个图，我描述完，就觉得解放了一样~~:rolleyes: 就想不出该怎么继续了，算了算，字数够了，就想偷懒了
3 they我是想用来描述the rest of Asian countries
4 对诶！好像who got a slight reduction应该删掉，现在再看，我都觉得不知所云

再次谢谢哈！！:loveliness:

卿卿cUID: 2362075

This line cruve(单词错了呀是curve) throws light on the trends related to growth in GDP in US ,Japan and the rest of Asia between the years 1995 to 2001（总觉得怪怪的，可是你说看过范文。。。）.

Notably,there was a clear comparison on the GDP growth between US and the rest of Asia.Let’s take a closer look at this graph.From 1995 to 1999,GDP increased moderately in America from 4 to 10. On the contrary, due to the Asian Finacial（又错了一个是financial） Crisis, the GDP in Asia except Japan dropped enormously from 9 to 8 then continued to decrease to 4 until 1999.After they recovered from this disaster, the situation changed dramatically,the Asian countries and US changed their roles,as we can see that in which the GDP in Asian countries boomed to 10 in 2001 as American did in 1999 who got a slight reduction（最复杂的一句，第一次基本上没看懂。。看了多次之后，我觉得这样写吧as we can see that which the GDP in Asian countries boomed to 10 in 2001 as American ，who got a slight reduction，did in 1999.你说把紫色那句去了，也可以吧。我觉得把in which 改成which顺点。）.

Then turn to Japan , there was a fluctuation in the GDP growth, during the first two years, （标点，标点错了整句就错了呀，这里是句号吧。）it took a upward trend to reach its first peak in 1996,followed（这里的followed好像不行吧，没有主语的过去时。改成then followed吧，要不把句子补完整。） by a considerable decrease before the GDP  reached its second peak.
  总之我觉得你总是用很多从句，反而容易出错吧。。。

卿卿cUID: 2362075

最后那句
it took a upward trend to reach its first peak in 1996,  followed by a considerable decrease before the GDP reached its second peak.
  最后一句是我看错了，看明白了，刚刚问了一个学长，其实没错

补完整的句子是it took a upward trend to reach its first peak in 1996,which is followed by a considerable decrease before the GDP reached its second peak.

  




[ 本帖最后由 卿卿c 于 2007-7-12 20:54 编辑 ]

卿卿cUID: 2362075

First of all , to discuss this statement effectively, it might be helpful to determine exactly what earlier and modern technologies mean，（标点。。。。改句号。）in most general sense, the Technology Revolution Ⅲ was the delimitation of the two types , However, when it comes to comparing the efforts those earlier technology and modern technology brought to us, things become more difficult.

Actually, it is difficult for me to think how people managed their lives before the widespread use of everyday technologies such as the Internet and mobile phones which we now take for granted. In this respect, we should admit that modern technology make （改成technologies make吧）life more convenient and our life gets better when technology is simplier. Despite this ,when we check our email accounts,how often do we stop to question ourselves,how and where did the modern technology come from?

The earlier technology brought our human world into a new fresh one,stepping from agricultural society towards to industrial society.It is the basement of everything which benefits us today.（我知道你的意思是stepping那句解释bring，但是我觉得应该理解成用our human world 做形式主语，和into a new fresh one并列。这是理解问题啦）Imagine for a moment, if there were no earlier technology,how would you know what trains look like? Or how can you read without light for a long time? How could you contact your friend immediately when you miss each other without a telephone? It goes without saying that without the development of earlier technology, we could never gain the modern one .（很重复的感觉，但是想不到解决方法。。。集思广益吧。）

Highlighting the importance of earlier technology does not inspire inventors,designers and engineers to put their most attention to the history of technology,but encourage them to draw the essence then focus on the modern technology and the future.  

clearsky_lunaUID: 2121487

First of all , to discuss this statement effectively,it might be helpful to determine exactly what earlier and modern technology mean.In most general sense,the Technology Revolution Ⅲ was the delimitation of the two types . However,when it comes to comparing the efforts those earlier technology and modern technology brought to us ,things become more difficult. (语法没什么问题，但还是跟vlcb一样的问题，首段未表明意见。而且个人意见，定义earlier technology和recent technology既没必要也不可能。定义它很容易留下论证逻辑上的硬伤)

It(去掉actually) is difficult (for me 删掉。太主观)to imagine how people managed their lives before the widespread use of everyday technologies(这个说法比较奇怪) such as the Internet(这个属于不该大写的地方大写) and mobile phones which we now take for granted. In this respect(这个说法比较奇怪),we should(主观) admit that modern technology makes people's lives more convenient and our lives get better when technology is simplier(这句话的意思不明确).Despite this ,when we check our email accounts,how often do we stop to question ourselves,how and where did the modern technology come from?(很奇怪的句子。反问很显水平，但用不好的时候最好放弃，保险为上)

The earlier technology brought our human world into a new fresh one,stepping from agricultural society towards to industrial society(很政治课本的句子，很别扭，这个我不大会改，建议google一下这方面的评论文章看看).It is the basement of everything(太绝对) which benefits us today.To imagine for a moment, if there were no earlier technology,how would you know what trains look like(这个不是know不know的问题，是根本不会有。而且这句很中国英语。已经用了虚拟语气，前面的imagine for a moment就累赘了)? Or how can you read without light for a long time(过于绝对，我在太阳光下读好了。。而且应该说电灯！否则容易被人误认为是光)? How could you contact your friend immediately when you miss each other without a telephone? It goes without saying that without the development of earlier technology, we could never gain the modern one(俩without太难受了。还是那句话，反问少用。).

Highlighting the importance of earlier technology does not inspire inventors,designers and engineers to put their most attention to the history of technology,but encourage them to draw the essence then focus on the modern technology and the future.   
（这段是评论了。你应该做的是总结和重申观点。）

整体结构ok，逻辑ok，但是第三段开头缺少一个承接句子（比如“尽管recent technology如此重要，但由于他是在earlier technology的基础上发展出来的，我还是认为earlier technology更影响我们的生活”）。而且还有个问题。整体的观点表达不明确。细看之下，可能只有5分。


[ 本帖最后由 clearsky_luna 于 2007-7-17 19:59 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

谢谢！:loveliness: 等你有空了再修改:handshake

H-KevinUID: 2182070

改的很仔细阿:)

clearsky_lunaUID: 2121487

我也写了。。直恶心。。

vlcbUID: 2132650

我也写了，也很恶心。用的时间真长，都不好意思说出来了

阿当UID: 2361446

forbeck 是10月13号考的吗？？？？？我是这天考试啊。。。。。在深圳考。。。。。要是同天考的话，记得联系我，一起努力，现在我刚开始学呢，每天听2个多小时中级听力，和背单词文章，真累啊。。。。。。我的QQ是：425878753   记得加我。。。。。

阿当UID: 2361446

forbeck 是10月13号考的吗？？？？？我是这天考试啊。。。。。在深圳考。。。。。要是同天考的话，记得联系我，一起努力，现在我刚开始学呢，每天听2个多小时中级听力，和背单词文章，真累啊。。。。。。我的QQ是：425878753   记得加我。。。。。

forbeckUID: 2297645

Task 1
The pie chart describes the difference between men and women in full-time and part-time job. The bar chart gives the difference between men and women in total weekly work time.

The pie charts compare the difference between males and females occupied in full -time job and  part -time job.The associated bar graph represents the difference in total weekly work time between the two genders.

Let’s take a closer look at the bar graph first, it is apparent that most males and females work for about 20 hours on average every seven days. More males (80) than females (74) work over 25 hours in one week.In contrast , approximately 80 females work harder than males (50) when their work time is under 25 hours per week.

Then take our attentions back to the pie charts above where we can find the reason why males take more time on their careers. Notably, far more males are emoloyed in full-time job,compared with that only nearly half of females take the same type of work..Unlike the situation on full-time work, just about 25 percent of males perform as part-time wokers.

已作修改~~

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-7-16 23:43 编辑 ]