Argument167 by 小破孩

小破孩UID: 2125288

Argument167
A folk remedy* for insomnia, the scent in lavender flowers, has now been proved effective. In a recent study, 30 volunteers with chronic insomnia slept each night for three weeks on lavender-scented pillows in a controlled room where their sleep was monitored. During the first week, volunteers continued to take their usual sleeping medication. They slept soundly but wakened feeling tired. During the second week, the volunteers discontinued their medication. As a result, they slept less soundly than the previous week and felt even more tired. During the third week, the volunteers slept longer and more soundly than in the previous two weeks. This shows that over a short period of time lavender cures insomnia.

*A folk remedy is usually a plant-based form of treatment common to traditional forms of medicine, ones that developed before the advent of modern medical services and technology.

9:13-9:43
Words: 528

In the above argument, the arguer asserts that short period of lavender treatment would cure insomnia which seems reasonable at a first glance. However, the author fails to eliminate other variables which might influence the result of the study, nor does he/she give persuasive interpretation.

First of all, whether it is reliable to examine the quality of the sleep depend only on the soundness of sleep and the volunteers feeling after wake up is open to doubt. As a matter of fact, myriads of other variables should be taken into consideration upon sleeping quality. Factors such as the familiarity of the sleeping environment, sleeping time and quality should not be neglected. Perhaps with a new environment, during the first week, the sound sleep was mainly caused by medication whereas the tiredness is mainly due to their anxiety and uncomfortable feeling in such unfamiliar monitor room whereas the longer and less tired sleep is mainly because they have got used to the study instead of benefiting from lavenders. Additionally, the acceptance of such sleeping fluctuation and the length of study to investigate sleeping pattern need thorough analysis. Without specific analysis of the above aspects, any prediction about the function of lavenders during sleep is too hasty.

Secondly, the argument rests on a gratuitous presumption that there are no other determinants affecting the study. Without any related information about the daily activities of these volunteers, what they have eaten in their meals, or their physical health conditions, hardly can we make any reasonable analysis from the study. It is highly possible that the physical work load for these volunteers is extraordinary higher in the second week due to the coming deadline, whereas they have a more relaxed time in the first and the third week. It might also be the case that in the third week, they drink more milk before going to bed which actually help longer their sleeping time instead of getting effect of lavenders. Either of the above scenarios, if true, would greatly undermine the arguer's assertion about the effectiveness of lavender in improving one's sleep time and quality.

Moreover, even assuming lavender does contribute to one's sleep; whether such improvement indicates that lavender can cure insomnia needs further analysis. The results of the study only reflect that lavender could longer the sleeping time and reduce the tiredness with no hints about its cure in insomnia. It is possible that such scent emitted from lavender could help people relax before the sleep, whereas insomnia is mainly caused by mental anxiety or uncomfortable feelings. If that is the case, the applicability of lavender is curing insomnia would be quite limited. Also, if the insomnia is due to the bad health condition, visiting a doctor to get proper treatment for illnesses would be much more effective than sleeping with lavender. Without specific evaluation of the above related issues, hardly can we make any prediction about the role of lavender in curing insomnia.

Taken together, the above argument is not well reasoned as it stands. Unless given related information about the validity of the study, its appropriate interpretation and its application in treating insomnia, the arguer's assertion cannot be accepted.

[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2007-7-26 00:32 编辑 ]

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

In the above argument, the arguer asserts that short period of lavender treatment would cure insomnia which seems reasonable at a first glance. However, the author fails to eliminate other variables which might influence the result of the study, nor does he/she give persuasive interpretation.

First of all, whether it is reliable to examine the quality of the sleep depend only on the soundness of sleep and the volunteers feeling after wake up is open to doubt. As a matter of fact, myriads of other variables should be taken into consideration upon sleeping quality. Factors such as the familiarity of the sleeping environment, sleeping time and quality should not be neglected. .(这两句话说的太笼统以至于看上去跟主题句不是一个东西, 主题句在说测定睡眠质量的标准这里却说睡眠的条件--depend on 和upon, 完全反过来了, 作为主题句的解释应该直接与它对应, 说明其它睡眠条件会使依靠睡眠深度和志愿者感觉的评测变得不可靠) Perhaps(Perhaps the tests were taken/When tested, 注意可能性指的是事情, 而不是环境) with (in) a new environment, during the first week, the sound sleep was mainly caused by medication whereas the tiredness is mainly due to their anxiety and uncomfortable feeling in such unfamiliar monitor room whereas the longer(句子太长了, 断开, 后面用对比, And, oppositely, when....the sleepers became less tired) and less tired sleep is mainly because they have got used to the study instead of benefiting from lavenders(这个是论证重点, 建议再断句, If so...而且这里你是有根据的进行推测的, 完全可以不用perhaps这种表假设的词, 而使用We may deduce/It is highly possible/Another scenario may be equally or even more persuaviely suitable to explain the phenomena rendered by the experiment, 而且从后文的并列论据来看, 你这里是针对实验现象的说法, 因此不要这么笼统的就说benefiting from lavenders, 这个是你下一段要主要驳斥的层次, 而这里应该说这两种表现不足以说明实验中的志愿者获得了良好的睡眠效果, 而只是实验环境造成的假象). Additionally, the acceptance of such sleeping fluctuation and the length of study to investigate sleeping pattern need thorough analysis.(这点没展开, 建议要么花点时间写上两句,  要么放弃这点) Without specific analysis of the above aspects, any prediction about the function of lavenders during sleep is too hasty.(总结太笼统, 套到下一段还能用, 这里说的不应该是spectific analysis而应该是comprehensive analysis)

Secondly, the argument rests on a gratuitous presumption that there are no other determinants affecting the study.(模版写作的毛病又出来了, 这个主题句看起来跟上一段主题句后面那两句对应的异常完美, 其实我想你的出发点应该是上一段解释对象是那两个表征而这一段则是让步了他们其实睡得很好, 应该再推敲下主题句的表达, 并且强烈建议把让步假设写出来, 否则加上上一段的一些表达不够精确, 很容易就让人觉得你这两段说的东西是混淆的) Without any related information about the daily activities of these volunteers, what they have eaten in their meals, or their physical health conditions, hardly can we make any reasonable analysis from the study. It is highly possible that the physical work load for these volunteers is extraordinary higher in the second week due to the coming deadline, whereas they have a more relaxed time in the first and the third week. It might also be the case that in the third week, they drink more milk before going to bed which actually help longer their sleeping time instead of getting effect of lavenders. Either of the above scenarios(这里倒是用possibilities比较合适), if true, would greatly undermine the arguer's assertion about the effectiveness of lavender in improving one's sleep time and quality. (这里还能提下心理暗示, 因为不是双盲实验所以可能是心理作用导致睡眠者睡的好)

Moreover, even assuming lavender does contribute to one's sleep; whether such improvement indicates that lavender can cure insomnia needs further analysis. The results of the study only reflect that lavender could longer the sleeping time and reduce the tiredness with no hints about its cure in insomnia.(觉得这里解释不够就直接开始举例了, 先应该把这两种结论的差异指出来, 程度不同, 效用不同等等) It is possible that such scent emitted from lavender could help people relax before the sleep, whereas insomnia is mainly caused by mental anxiety or uncomfortable feelings. If that is the case, the applicability of lavender is curing insomnia would be quite limited.(however? 这个可能性分析不够无法证明论点, relax难道不是缓解精神压力和不安感受么? 二者有什么差别? 可以说失眠和睡眠质量不够就是两码事, 一个是病症源于荷尔蒙分泌异常激素水平异常一个只是源于生活条件心理状态等等) Also, if the insomnia is due to the bad health condition, visiting a doctor to get proper treatment for illnesses would be much more effective than sleeping with lavender.(别的更有效不代表这个没效用) Without specific evaluation of the above related issues, hardly can we make any prediction about the role of lavender in curing insomnia.

Taken together, the above argument is not well reasoned as it stands. Unless given related information about the validity of the study, its appropriate interpretation and its application in treating insomnia, the arguer's assertion cannot be accepted.

总体而言觉得你的突破点选得不错, 但在表达中由于这个突破点很难所以受到了执肘, 这种时候要注意自己的论证方向, 免得段落结构混乱. 另一方面要注意些逻辑推断的正确性和论证深度问题.

strokes7UID: 2262256

使徒改Argu可是相当的严格哦~~~~