ARGUMENT147 第一篇ARGUMENT

xsr6064UID：2312664

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

冲忙中，只能用中文提纲，语言邋遢，排砖时大家不要留情。
用于网络原因，晚了几分钟，十分对不住，请见谅。

提纲：
Para 1 : 陈述情况
Para 2 : 指出该文章没有对公司前两年销售下滑的原因进行分析。
Para 3 : 指出其样本不够大，并且没有考虑该人群的消费能力。
Para 4 : 指出公司应考虑其它能够使游戏成功的因素，而不仅仅是画面

In this argument , the editorial say that the declining sale situation of Whirlwind video games will revice after their market survey , in which they found that the lifelike graphics is a most important feature appriciated by current video game player , and because the company just has several such products directed at people 10 to 25 years old , the writer conclude confidently that the sales of Whirlwind video games will increase in next few months . However, I find this argument suspicious in several respects .

First , the auther simply relies on the assumption that the new products and advertising campaign will solve the two-year decline in Whirlwind's sales , but fail to fully analyze all the factors that lead this concequence . Indeed , besides the factors disscussed above there are others such as poor management and service or unreasonable price would eventually lead this decline . Moreover , the company did not give us any evidence that its new products and advertising stratege have more advantages than the competitors' do . So wo have enough reasons to doubt that the Whirlwind's new plan will be effective untill the auther give us more detail evidences.

Secondly , the argument do not provide assurances for the data of this survey . In other words , the group of people in this survey is confined in the extent from 10 to 25 years old , which account for a relatively small part of the whole population , thus it can not entirely represent the market condition . Even this group of people can relect the real condition of the game market , the company may ignore these people's capability to consume its products . As the writer indicate in the passage , the new type of game with lifelike graphics require the most up-to-date computers , and there are seldom people in this age group can afford the cost by themselves . Unless the auther can give the evidence that most of parents are willing to buy such expensive computer to their children for playing game , I can not be convined that the company's sales can revise .

Finally , Although the graphic is a important part of a excellent game , the company may fail to see other indispensible parts , such as the story , fighting system , difficulty and the
interaction with partners . Only with the beautiful graphics but lacking of other elements , the game can not obtain continuous success in the severe competition . The tenth editon of the "Final fantasy"(a series of games) is such a failed example .

In conclusion , the aruger fails to establish a reasonable relationship between their survey and the sale recover . To strengthen the argument ,the auther would have to provide more analysis which include the reasons of leading the two-year sales decline , and give clear evidence that the people who are 10 to 25 years old would be interested in their new products and the company can really gain profits depenging on this group of people . Besides , he need to consider other factors in a successful game , and find their advantages over its compititors as well.

[ 本帖最后由 xsr6064 于 2007-7-30 20:14 编辑 ]

scarf83UID：2285995

In this argument , the editorial say(says)
that the declining sale situation of Whirlwind video games will revice(?recover) after their market survey , in which they found(??时态不同一，这里found 的话前面就应该是would，或者这里改成find) that the lifelike graphics is a most important feature appriciated（appreciated） by current video game player , and because the company just has several such products directed at people 10 to 25 years old , the writer conclude confidently that the sales of Whirlwind video games will increase in next few months . However, I find this argument suspicious in several respects .

First , the auther simply relies on the assumption that the new products and advertising campaign will solve the two-year decline in Whirlwind's sales , but fail to fully analyze all the factors that lead this concequence . Indeed , besides the factors disscussed above there are others such as poor management and service or unreasonable price （which）would eventually lead this decline . Moreover , the company did not give us any evidence that its new products and advertising stratege（strategies） have more advantages than the competitors' do . So wo have enough reasons to doubt that the Whirlwind's new plan will be effective untill the auther give us more detail evidences.

Secondly , the argument do not provide assurances for the data of this survey . In other words , the group of people in this survey is confined in the extent from 10 to 25 years old , which account for a relatively small part of the whole population , thus it can not entirely represent the market condition . (survey没有说是对10-25的人进行的，这个攻击点好像说的不对)Even this group of people can relect the real condition of the game market , the company may ignore these people's capability to consume its products . As the writer indicate in the passage , the new type of game with lifelike graphics require（s） the most up-to-date computers , and there are seldom（adv，little） people in this age group can afford the cost by themselves . Unless the auther can give the evidence that most of parents are willing to buy such expensive computer to their children for playing game , I can not be convined that the company's sales can revise .

Finally , Although the graphic is an important part of an excellent game , the company may fail to see other indispensible parts , such as the story , fighting system , difficulty and the
interaction with partners . Only with the beautiful graphics but lacking of other elements , the game can not obtain continuous success in the severe competition . The tenth editon of the "Final fantasy"(a series of games) is such a failed example .

In conclusion , the aruger fails to establish a reasonable relationship between their survey and the sale recover . To strengthen the argument ,the auther would have to provide more analysis which include the reasons of leading the two-year sales decline , and give clear evidence that the people who are 10 to 25 years old would be interested in their new products and the company can really gain profits depenging on this group of people . Besides , he need to consider other factors in a successful game , and find their advantages over its compititors as well.

xsr6064UID：2312664

谢谢，修改很认真，学习了

pytangUID：2340760

学习了

mablaUID：2312557

In this argument , the editorial say that the declining sale situation of Whirlwind video games will revice after their market survey , in which they found that the lifelike graphics is a most important feature appriciated by current video game player , and because the company just has several such products directed at people 10 to 25 years old , the writer conclude confidently that the sales of Whirlwind video games will increase in next few months . However, I find this argument suspicious in several respects .

First , the auther simply relies on the assumption that the new products and advertising campaign will solve the two-year decline in Whirlwind's sales , but fail to fully analyze all the factors that lead this concequence . Indeed , besides the factors disscussed above there are others such as poor management and service or unreasonable price would eventually lead this decline . Moreover , the company did not give us any evidence that its new products and advertising stratege have more advantages than the competitors' do . So wo have enough reasons to doubt that the Whirlwind's new plan will be effective untill the auther give us more detail evidences.

Secondly , the argument do not provide assurances for the data of this survey . In other words , the group of people in this survey is confined in the extent from 10 to 25 years old (原文只说了“advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old”，没说survey is confined in the extent，这是一个硬伤。), which account for a relatively small part of the whole population , thus it can not entirely represent the market condition . Even this group of people can relect the real condition of the game market , the company may ignore these people's capability to consume its products . As the writer indicate in the passage , the new type of game with lifelike graphics require the most up-to-date computers , and there are seldom people in this age group can afford the cost by themselves . Unless the auther can give the evidence that most of parents are willing to buy such expensive computer to their children for playing game , I can not be convined that the company's sales can revise .（这应当属于独立的一点，不是主题局可以包括的，不如另起一行说。其实survey有毛病是出题人给我们送分的地方，不如在一段或者一段中的某个地方集中讲survey的毛病，可能存在样本太少等等若干的问题；另外，本段开头10-25years old的问题应当从，这个结论如何得来的这个方面批驳，）

Finally , Although the graphic is a important part of a excellent game , the company may fail to see other indispensible parts , such as the story , fighting system , difficulty and the
interaction with partners . Only with the beautiful graphics but lacking of other elements , the game can not obtain continuous success in the severe competition . The tenth editon of the "Final fantasy"(a series of games) is such a failed example .这段我没什么好说的了，对游戏有理解的人新手拈来个例子，很有说服力

In conclusion , the aruger fails to establish a reasonable relationship between their survey and the sale recover . To strengthen the argument ,the auther would have to provide more analysis which include the reasons of leading the two-year sales decline , and give clear evidence that the people who are 10 to 25 years old would be interested in their new products and the company can really gain profits depenging on this group of people . Besides , he need to consider other factors in a successful game , and find their advantages over its compititors as well

      应该说写得还不错，语言风格很简单、清楚，如果再偶尔出现一两个高级词汇和有修辞性的句子，长短句适当搭配（以满足variable in language的要求），语言方方面应该就完全满足了。
     找出足够多的主要错误，并良好地组织在一起对argument的成功至关重要。可以写完后对比各个版本的范文，总结以下，重新列个提纲。针对本文，我觉得可以独立出来写一点，maket的影响：“such games”，到底有多少的市场需求和容量？即使需求很多，竞争对手的存在也导致W公司的sales不会dramactically increase。还有其他决定购买的因素有，价格、宏观因素等...

偶不懂，乱弹，仅供参考。
      

[ 本帖最后由 mabla 于 2007-7-31 17:23 编辑 ]