SCORE MY WRITING

Ye_emmaUID: 2359670

I NEED THE 1) SCORE(1~5 ACCODING TO THE REQUIREMENT)
                            2) ADVICE FOR IMPROVEMENT.
        Thanks!!!
      
       topic:Which would you choose : a high-paying job with long hours that give you little time with family and friends or a lower-paying job with shorter hous that would give you more time with family and friends?Expain your choice,using specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
      
       my wiring :
Have you ever felt grateful for owing support and understanding from your family and friends? Have you ever felt fortunate for sending away the workplace’s health problem? Have you ever felt hilarious for guiding your children who have some problem to turn for help?

If you have never had such experiences, you would never know how crucial a lower-paying job ye with more time spending on family and friends can mean to you.

Most people would agree that we live for joy, not for money. Having more time with family brings us enjoyment and also a sense of warn and fragrant. For instance, spending more time with your children, even just play some games or do a little gardening with them, he or she may experience a relaxation right now. It is only the family that can give you this kind of feeling.

Also, studies consistently show that a high-paying job with long hours do have a bad influence on our health. One major complaint----maybe the biggest complaint is stress. Because of the lack of communication with family and friends, we feel lonely and helpless. No one to pour heart out,  no one to share with depression. Thus, we can not relieve the pressure caused by overloaded work or criticism from workers. In that case, under a long-term stress continuously may even invite mental diseases. Furthermore, overlong working time leads to some potential hazards such as eyestrain, back pain and so forth.

Last but not least, it is our duty to care for family members. When your parents ill, when your children face the dilemma of whether his choice is right, when your spouse suffer difficulties, how can you neglect these due to a high-paying job with little time given to your family? The responsibility to your family can not be equal to providing financial aid.

High salary, certainly, have its own merits. It help the whole family to live better for improving the quality of life, involves in education, medical care and entertainment. However, we should not forget what Gump’s mother addresses “there is only so much fortune a man really needs, the rest is just for showing off.” Since a huge fortune can not buy neither happiness, health, nor the concern from your family, the decision to choose a lower-paying job with more time with family and friends would be more reasonably treated as a wiser choice. (401)  

Thank you very much for your heip and time!
waiting for your response.
                                                                                                                   EMMA.YE              


[ 本帖最后由 Ye_emma 于 2007-8-8 22:06 编辑 ]

bolai808UID: 2206779

（1） 4
（2）文章的整体结构还是不错的，语言也较丰富。
       lz似乎擅长使用排比句式，这是你的有点，继续保持。
       不足：感觉论证的不是很深入，而且三个分支观点的联系不够紧密。
      建议：多看例文，搜集好的观点和例子
anyway，lz加油！

Ye_emmaUID: 2359670

谢谢bolai808 ,例子不够深入的确是个问题,可能跟阅历不足有关(高二),想不出什么很有意义的论据,我会多看例子的,不过老师说最重要是结构语言,内容不重要.所以看到您的赞扬还是蛮开心的~我的目标是5分,和你一起加油啊!:handshake