【8月25号】大大小小各一篇，辛苦了！

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

:loveliness: Topic1The charts below show the number of Japanese tourists travelling abroad between 1985 and 1995 and Australia's share of the Japanese tourist market.

This two charts depict that Japanese tourists go abroad for travelling and Australia's share of Japanese tourist market in a period from 1985 to 1995. In 1985, there are about 5 millions Japanese tourists went abroad. From 1985 to 1990, the number of travellers increased dramatically from 5 millions to almost 11 millions. Then followed a slightly drop in 1990. Between 1992 to 1993, the number remained stable and then raised to more than 15 millions in 1995.

The percentage of Japanese tourists who coming to Australia increased all the way in this period. From nearly 2 per cent in 1985 to about 5 per cent in 1995. However there two little fluctuations, one occurred in 1988-89, dropped from nearly 5 per cent to a slight more than 4 per cent, another occurred in last two years, dropped from the peak in this decade, approximately 6.2 per cent to 6 per cent.
(Words:154)

[ 本帖最后由 夜空的彼方 于 2007-8-25 11:41 编辑 ]

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

Topic :Safety standards are important when building people's homes. Who should be responsible for enforcing strict building codes - the government or the people who build the homes?
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
提纲：
第一段：住房安全已经成为一个日益凸显的问题，作为政府，有责任制定相关的安全法案。
第二段：新的住房每天都拔地而起，但是，人们在搬进新家的时候，考虑过自己住房的安全问题吗？一项新的调查显示，新落成的住房中，存在着明显安全隐患的占了60%。住房安全已经成了一个非常紧迫的问题。
第三段：政府有责任考虑这些事关人民生命财产安全的问题，一个有效的解决方案就是，制定相关法律，作为建筑上，牵涉到利益问题，不可能去制定这些法律，只能是在政府的监督下执行这些安全标准。
第四段：简单的总结，负责任的政府，面对问题不应该推卸责任，而应主动承担起制定安全标准的行动。
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Nowadays, building safety is gradually becoming a significant problem in our modern society. It seems to me that government should undoubtedly shoulder the responsibility to make safety standards to ensure the quality of building.

Completion of buildings occurred everywhere and everyday, but, are there existing enough careful considerations in quality and safety of their new homes before people move in? According to a new survey, the buildings with quality and safety problems taking nearly 60 percent of all. Housing safety has increasingly given rise to social concerns.

It is government's duty to consider building safety since this problems have affinitive relationships with people's lives and property. A feasible and practical solution is making correlation codes to establish reliable safety standards by government and followed strictly by constructors under rigid supervision from official organization. Owe to involving of reality interests, enforcing safety code by contractors is infeasible and may induce more potential problems such as doing disqualification works and using inferior materials.

In brief, when having respect to people's direct benefits, the proper measure is making effective measures and taking actions by government rather than passing responsibility on others. Over this matter of building safety problem, government should adopt series steps such as establish strict safety standards to ensure the quality of new building. As contractor, in addition to abiding this codes closely, it is necessary to have a sense of social responsibility.
(Words: 232)

PS：这两篇作文都是在规定时间内写出来的，第二篇从列提纲到写完，整整40分钟，感觉时间比较紧，字数稍微差了一些，可能论证也不是很充分，大家拍砖啦！:)

[ 本帖最后由 夜空的彼方 于 2007-8-25 11:41 编辑 ]

67169619UID: 2320695

为你的毅力鼓掌:)

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

第二篇字数会不会有点少？不是最少250？

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

是啊，字数有点少~
当时想不起来举个什么例子了。。。

futuremanUID: 2327059

seat taken
一会帮你改

futuremanUID: 2327059

Topic1The charts below show the number of Japanese tourists travelling abroad between 1985 and 1995 and Australia's share of the Japanese tourist market.

This (These) two charts depict that Japanese tourists go (going) abroad for travelling and Australia's share of Japanese tourist market in a period from 1985 to 1995. In 1985, there are about 5 millions Japanese tourists went (going) abroad. From 1985 to 1990, the number of travellers increased dramatically from 5 millions to almost 11 millions. Then (it) followed a slightly(slight) drop in 1990(应为1991). Between 1992 to 1993, the number remained stable and then raised to more than 15 millions in 1995.

The percentage of Japanese tourists who (去掉who)coming to Australia increased all the way in this period. From nearly 2 per cent in 1985 to about 5 per cent in 1995. However there two little fluctuations, one occurred in 1988-89, dropped (dropping) from nearly 5 per cent to a slight more than 4 per cent, another (应为the other)occurred in (the)last two years, dropped (dropping) from the peak in this decade, approximately 6.2 per cent to 6 per cent.
(Words:154)

偶在这里是新人,说的不好还要多包涵咯
1>可能是由于时间限制,你的语法出现了很多不该有的问题, 比如过去分词和现在分词的使用, 以及主语省略的问题
2>一些句子写的太碎了,感觉完全可以写成一个长句表达的, 写碎了感觉读的不连贯, 也不能展示你的英文功底
3>单纯对图的数字说明过多,你可以适当用倍数和变化快慢来进一步有深度的进行阐述
阐述的4>有些词太重复,比如 increase,可以用一些词或者用法替换, 比如climb, jump, on a track to the top 等等

[ 本帖最后由 futureman 于 2007-8-25 15:02 编辑 ]

H-KevinUID: 2182070

菠萝兄竟然都出手了 :funk:  ，太难得了， 很久没有见到你发正经帖子了， 今晚评分送过来以后第一个加给你 :o  ;d:

futuremanUID: 2327059

Topic :Safety standards are important when building people's homes. Who should be responsible for enforcing strict building codes - the government or the people who build the homes?
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
提纲：
第一段：住房安全已经成为一个日益凸显的问题，作为政府，有责任制定相关的安全法案。
第二段：新的住房每天都拔地而起，但是，人们在搬进新家的时候，考虑过自己住房的安全问题吗？一项新的调查显示，新落成的住房中，存在着明显安全隐患的占了60%。住房安全已经成了一个非常紧迫的问题。
第三段：政府有责任考虑这些事关人民生命财产安全的问题，一个有效的解决方案就是，制定相关法律，作为建筑上，牵涉到利益问题，不可能去制定这些法律，只能是在政府的监督下执行这些安全标准。
第四段：简单的总结，负责任的政府，面对问题不应该推卸责任，而应主动承担起制定安全标准的行动。
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Nowadays, building safety is gradually becoming a significant problem in our modern society. It seems to me that government should undoubtedly shoulder the responsibility to make safety standards to ensure the quality of building. (开门见山,不错)

Completion of buildings occurred everywhere and everyday, but, are there existing enough careful considerations in quality and safety of their new homes before people move in?(这句话有些中文拼字的感觉, 不如这样写更地道: are those present considerations careful enough in quality and safety of new homes before people move in?) According to a new survey, the (number of) buildings with quality and safety problems taking (takes) nearly 60 percent of all. Housing safety has increasingly given rise to social concerns.

It is government's duty to consider building safety since this problems have affinitive relationships with people's lives and property. (TS很清晰) A feasible and practical solution is making correlation codes to establish reliable safety standards by government and followed strictly by constructors under rigid supervision from official organization. Owe to involving of reality interests, enforcing safety code by contractors is infeasible and may induce more potential problems such as doing (这个doing要去掉,语法问题)disqualification works and using (去掉using) inferior materials.

In brief, when having respect to people's direct benefits, the proper measure is making effective measures and taking actions by government (后半句有语法问题而且前后语言重复,这样写比较好 the government should takes actions to make proper and effective measures )rather than passing responsibility on others. Over this matter of building safety problem, government should adopt series steps such as establish (establishing) strict safety standards to ensure the quality of new building. As contractor, in addition to abiding this codes closely, it is necessary to have a sense of social responsibility.(最后不要提到social responsibility的问题,因为你一直在说government, 而这两个概念又有不同,在文章末尾提到一个未被阐释的新概念, 是大忌)
(Words: 232)



恩 语言和用词很牛拉~~但是还要注意语法问题, 有些地方的表达还需要加强.
论证上我只看到了第三段是论证政府的责任,前面都是背景或者铺垫, 这会给你的说理减不少分的.

[ 本帖最后由 futureman 于 2007-8-25 14:51 编辑 ]

futuremanUID: 2327059

什么叫正经的帖子嘛...我只不过想当个长老所以逼迫去水水....而已
说的寒心唉...
我还很正经的咧

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

:handshake 呵呵~~非常感谢菠萝CEO同志帮我修改作文啊！:loveliness:

嗯，受益不少，回头再好好研究一下！

的确只有第三段是正面的论证，显得比较单薄，不过这篇文章，我能想到的只有政府应该承担责任这一点理由了~

不知道还有什么好的思路吗？:confused:

futuremanUID: 2327059

不晓得IELTS作文的评分标准
不敢用GRE作文的标准来衡量你的论证问题
呵呵  我再研究研究呵
加油~

67169619UID: 2320695

晕
在这里灌水:funk:

forbeckUID: 2297645

天空同学真是好人缘，连ceo同志都来了~~不过还是寒一个，老板来了，我哪敢再改阿~~:funk:

楼上的楼上那位同学在干嘛阿？ :o :mad

67169619UID: 2320695

有借口偷懒啊 你;d: