task2 第二弹求拍

kut1230UID: 2369693

剑5 test1 task2 1h14min
不知为何越写越多,所以文章有点长

Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that sexual equality is essential in many ways of modern society, for example, government, hospital or even campus. However, I consider the question is not whether it involves human rights but whether, as a whole, takes benefit to our community.

Both man and woman play significant roles in the society. There goes a common stereotype that doctor is most probably a male while nurse is female. However, does any change be possible? University provides a transition from theoretical study to social practice, in addition, it takes a considerable amount of proportion in education. For some famous medical schools, nursing course does not own its reputation only on female, but also on male. As the global population increases steadily, people are gradually concerned about the health and sanitation problems, then turns to the higher requirements of medical personnel. The conditions of becoming a doctor are actually more serious than nurse, because doctor sometimes relates to the death and life of a patient. Moreover, male plays a considerably great part of population in some countries. Therefore, it is sensible for man to study nursing in order to maintain the health security. Why do schools stop those men who just want to contribute to their countries?

Students can choose the aspirations in their own, on the other hand, universities which provide human resources and educational devices, should pave the way for students. There is a tendency that, an increasing number of male students select majors, like software and electricity, paralleling with female students in teaching.
According to that, some schools probably change their enrolment setting to cater which so called ‘student market’. Although the transformation covers a little bit of sex discrimination, it sounds reasonable on some way. Campus should allocate the teaching resources rationally as those things are contributed by tax money which, for a citizen, is unwilling to see it wasted. That is really the need of our society.

University, which cultivates distinguished people, should listen to the request of the community. If balance between boys and girls is forced, an educational authority need to accept. However, it may be far so long to reach sex equivalent in our environment.

还有个问题想问,我看到剑6 test1 task2的7.5分范文,考官评价是cohesion很差,偶而有些连词错,但voc和content很好,这样7.5分是不是content2.25, vocabulary2.25, grammar2.25, coherent1.125 and cohesion0折算下来

[ 本帖最后由 kut1230 于 2007-8-29 20:25 编辑 ]

futuremanUID: 2327059

发作文请在这里留下链接，有加分
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-724783-1-1.html
同时热心板油会给你修改
如果需要菠萝修改请在这里留下链接https://bbs.gter.net/thread-729183-1-1.html
同时欢迎你组成互改小组帮助别人改作文（有加分啊），从而学习别人的长处，更快的提高自己咯:loveliness:

[ 本帖最后由 futureman 于 2007-8-29 16:24 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

已链接:handshake

futuremanUID: 2327059

revising

futuremanUID: 2327059

Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that sexual equality is essential in many ways of modern society, for example,[such as才能接名词] government, hospital or even campus. However, I consider the question is not whether it involves human rights but whether, as a whole, takes benefit to our community.[题目说university，你扣了community，还有题目只说人数相等你赞不赞同，不要开始就扯到人类权利上，这应当是你论证的一部分]

Both man and woman play significant roles in the society. There goes a common stereotype that doctor is most probably a male while nurse is female. However, does any change be possible? University provides a transition from theoretical study to social practice, in addition, it takes a considerable amount of proportion in education. For some famous medical schools, nursing course does not own its reputation only on female, but also on male. As the global population increases steadily, people are gradually concerned about the health and sanitation problems, then turns [turn]to the higher requirements of medical personnel. The conditions of becoming a doctor are actually more serious than nurse, because doctor sometimes relates to the death and life of a patient. Moreover, male plays a considerably great part of population in some countries. Therefore, it is sensible for man to study nursing in order to maintain the health security. Why do schools stop those men who just want to contribute to their countries?[不应该用文句做结尾，应该陈述句总结全段。论证过程很松散，只是在反复说护士医生的例子，但这个例子一定就说明一切问题吗？还是要用普遍意义的语言来论证，而且这个例子和university的联系比较牵强]

Students can choose the aspirations in their own, on the other hand, universities which provide human resources and educational devices, should pave the way for students. [TS太长了]There is a tendency that, an increasing number of male students select majors, like software and electricity, paralleling with female students in teaching.
According to that, some schools probably change their enrolment setting to cater which so called ‘student market’. Although the transformation covers a little bit of sex discrimination, it sounds reasonable on [in]some way. Campus should allocate the teaching resources rationally as those things are contributed by tax money which, for a citizen, is unwilling to see it wasted. That is really the need of our society.[这段还是没有直接点出追求市场化的教育究竟怎么影响男女人数的，关键是扣题]

University, which cultivates distinguished people, should listen to the request of the community. If balance between boys and girls is forced, an educational authority need to accept. However, it may be far so long to reach sex equivalent in our environment.

感觉有些走题，而且你越写越多的原因是每段没有中心的TS在开头，后面的论证自然就散了，而且全文也没有紧凑的和university呼应，只是末尾提了一下。
继续努力~

forbeckUID: 2297645

原来之前的半小时。大家都在改作文呀~~:cool:

futuremanUID: 2327059

嘿嘿嘿 完事~
喝茶去:loveliness:

kut1230UID: 2369693

写了两篇大概知道自己审题要加強,谢谢菠萝

futuremanUID: 2327059

my pleasure~

forbeckUID: 2297645

Some people think that sexual equality is essential in many ways of modern society, for example/环城such as, government, hospital or even campus. However, I consider the question is not whether it involves human rights but whether, as a whole, takes benefit to our community.
这开篇的定位就在偷换概念啦！university怎么就扩大到社会的各个角落了呢？首段最好也点名一下自己的观点

Students can choose the aspirations in their own, on the other hand, universities which provide human resources and educational devices, should pave the way for students. There is a tendency that, an increasing number of male students select majors, like software and electricity, paralleling with female students in teaching.

Both man and woman play significant roles in the society. There goes a common stereotype that doctor is most probably a male while nurse is female. However, does any change be possible? University provides a transition from theoretical study to social practice, in addition, it takes a considerable amount of proportion in education. For some famous medical schools, nursing course does not own its reputation only on female, but also on male. As the global population increases steadily, people are gradually concerned about the health and sanitation problems, then turns to the higher requirements of medical personnel. The conditions of becoming a doctor are actually more serious than 这个指待不明，加个that of吧nurse, because doctor sometimes relates to the death and life of a patient. Moreover, male plays a considerably great part of population in some countries. Therefore, it is sensible for man to study nursing in order to maintain the health security. Why do schools stop those men who just want to contribute to their countries?这个例子选的角度太狭隘了，如果是护校，甚至算不上college的级别阿？？？护理专业倒不是学校限制招生，而是社会的看法扭曲了。还有，段落最好不要用问句结尾，容易弄巧成拙哦　

Students can choose the aspirations in their own, on the other hand, universities which provide human resources and educational devices, should pave the way for students. There is a tendency that, an increasing number of male students select majors, like software and electricity, paralleling with female students in teaching.论述略显单薄

According to that, some schools probably change their enrolment setting to cater which so called ‘student market’. Although the transformation covers a little bit of sex discrimination, it sounds reasonable on /insome way. Campus should allocate the teaching resources rationally as those things are contributed by tax money which, for a citizen, is unwilling to see it wasted. That is really the need of our society.这教育资源什么的，若没有女学生用，也还有男学生阿，不会浪费的　

University, which cultivates distinguished people, should listen to the request of the community. If balance between boys and girls is forced, an educational authority needs to accept. However, it may be far so long to reach sex equivalent in our environment.一整篇看完，才在最后一句发现了你的中心意思。

建议：
1、文章很散，可能因为你开篇就没给自己定下一个基调，这样想到什么就写什么，越到后边就越散；
2、长短句还用得挺好
3、文章的字数362个字啊！超过规定100多字~~下次考虑少写点吧

kut1230UID: 2369693

谢谢蒙牛
因为开头是按別人风格写的,所以沒了自己特色,內容越来越偏,下次会注意