雅思作文第五篇，谢谢大家指导：）

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

Topic: Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas.

The gap between developing countries and industrialized countries has been becoming wider and wider, along with the rapid development of the world economy today. Provided that things get worse like this, the developing countries will be weaker in a large number of aspects than ever before, such like health, education, even international trade. From my point of view, unfortunate countries should spare no effort to improve those aspects. At the same time the developed countries’ government should pay more attentions to help the poorer countries.

It is universally accepted that the poorer countries are lack of money, which limit their development in many factors. So as for developed countries, the basic thing they can do is to lend money to the poor nations. Thus, with the money, they can improve the medical technology, spending more money on education in order to make increasingly children obtain useful knowledge. In addition, they can buy equipment and employ experts from abroad to develop industry.

However, only providing economic support is not enough. Many experts point out that short of experience is another factor which put the poor countries in a negative position in the global economy. It is indisputable that the industrialized countries have more experience on how to improve health, education and how to develop economy. They can share their successful experience with the unfortunate countries who has similar condition with them ever before. Otherwise, it would take the poorer countries considerable years to find the proper way to develop.

To summarize, nowadays it is necessary to develop the global economy, which need the great help of the richer countries. From what have discussed above, I strongly commit the notion that developed countries have been playing a vital role in not only the future development of the unfortunate countries, but also the changes of the world economy.

这篇写的时间长一点，大概一个小时。中间两段论证觉得很不充分，但是又好像不知道说什么~~:confused:

GriSSom.ZZXUID: 2234108

The gap betweendeveloping countries and industrialized countries has been becoming wider andwider, along with the rapid development of the world economytoday. Provided that (things get worse like this->the trend continues), thedeveloping countries (will->would?) be weaker in a large number of aspects, suchlike health, education, even international trade, than ever before. From mypoint of view, (unfortunate->the third-world?) countries should spare noeffort to improve those aspects. At the same time the developed countries’government should pay more attentions to (help->helping) the poorercountries.

(Successful paraphrasing.)

It is universally acceptedthat the poorer countries (are->face the) lack of money, which limit theirdevelopment in many (factors->respects?). So as for developed countries, thebasic thing they can do is to lend money to the poor nations. Thus, with themoney, they can improve the medical technology, spending more money oneducation in order to make increasingly children (obtain useful knowledge->entitledto education they deserved). In addition, they can buy equipment and employexperts from abroad to develop industry.(extend this a little could be better)
(add the conclusion of this body)

(However->Again or Additionally?), only providing (economic->financial) support is not enough. Many experts point out that (^being?) short of experience is another factorwhich put the poor countries in a negative position in the global economy. Itis indisputable that the industrialized countries have more experience on howto improve health, education and how to develop economy. They can share theirsuccessful experience with the (unfortunate->less developed) countries (who has similar condition with them ever before->which have been on the similar path thedeveloped nations used to travel along). Otherwise, it would take the poorer countriesconsiderable years to find the proper way to develop.(extend this a little could be better)
(add the conclusion of this body)

To summarize, nowadays (^,?)it is necessary to develop the global economy(, which need the great help->withthe aid) of the richer countries. From what have (^been) discussed above, Istrongly (commit the notion?->hold  the opinion) that developed countries have been playing avital role in not only the future development of the unfortunate countries, butalso the changes of the world economy.

(Also a good ending)

(BTW, I am a little bit confused about the topic. So far as I am concerned, the topic should make more sense if presented as such: Improvements in health,education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. Therefore(Not However), the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility forhelping the poorer nations in such areas. If use “However”, does it mean that the government of richer nations should not be involved in the health and other development in the poorer nations. Due to these developments’ essentiality, should the richer nations bear their responsibility to give a hand???)

[ 本帖最后由 GriSSom.ZZX 于 2007-8-30 15:34 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

The gap between developing countries and industrialized countries has been becoming 这种状态依然存在，直接用现在时就好了吧wider and wider, along with the rapid development of the world economy today. Provided that things get worse like this, the developing countries will be weaker in a large number of aspects than ever before, such like health, education, even international trade. From my point of view, unfortunate countries should spare no effort to improve those aspects. At the same time the developed countries’ government should pay more attentions to help the poorer countries.开篇的文字很顺畅，并且切入主题快

It is universally accepted that the poorer countries are lack of money, which limit their development in many factors. So这个所以用在这有点中式作文的味道 as for这个词和后边的主语不符，考虑删了吧 developed countries, the basic thing they can do is to lend money to the poor nations. Thus, with the money, they这个指待混乱，和前一句的明显不同 can improve the medical technology, spending前面是can + v原型，怎么突然冒出个ing？ more money on education in order to make increasingly children obtain useful knowledge. In addition, they can buy equipment and employ experts from abroad to develop industry.

However, only providing economic support is not enough. Many experts point out that short of experience is another factor which put the poor countries in a单复数没有同行 negative position in the global economy. It is indisputable that the industrialized countries have more experience on how to improve health, education and how to develop economy. They can share their successful experiences with the unfortunate countries who has/have similar conditions with them ever before我觉得这个理论太主观了，很多欧洲国家，一直都很fortunate.他们的经验不一定是和贫穷的一塌糊涂的国家； 另外，某些所谓大国的第一桶金来自对外侵略，这个经验都不适合发展中国家学习。前两句的条件限制得不错，后边这句的“成功经验“就有带商榷了Otherwise, it would take the poorer countries considerable years to find the proper way to develop.

To summarize, nowadays it is necessary to develop the global economy, which needs the great help of the richer countries. From what Ihave discussed above, I strongly commit the notion that developed countries have been playing a单复数问题 vital roles in not only the future development of the unfortunate countries, but also the changes of the world economy..结尾段，一直在强调发达国家的作用，却忘记考虑首段你提出的发展中国家自己的问题啦！
建议：
1、长句太少，要不里做到长短相结合的下法；
2、文章的论证过程，不够全面，首段提到了发达国家和LDC两者的重要性，但是从BODY部分开始，你却一直在强调发达国家的重要性——如果从哲学最基本的观点，外因通过内因起作用，我想你的论证过程也是很容易被推翻的吧！
3、差点忘了，你在文章中用到It is universally accepted、　It is isputable 之类的词组，这样的词太主观了，谁能说就一定是这样、那样的情况呢？　

forbeckUID: 2297645

1、题目的后半段没了，我觉得应该是DISCUSS的题型吧！
2、However我觉得在这表的是并列，也就是说在LDC的发展中，有两种主流意见，然后让我们来讨论~~

:confused: :confused:这是我的个人理解，这个题目貌似有见过，我找到的那个网站上好像就有一篇戏作诗关于这个方面的，我去找找~~

（再给你加个我可怜的4分,分两次加;d: ）

GriSSom.ZZXUID: 2234108

原帖由 forbeck 于 2007-8-30 15:56 发表
题目的后半段没了

？？？
BTW...分乃身外之物...

futuremanUID: 2327059

Topic: Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas.

The gap between developing countries and industrialized [工业化国家不一定是发达国家呵]countries has been becoming wider and wider, along with the rapid development of the world economy today. Provided that things get worse like this, the developing countries will be weaker in a large number of aspects than ever before, such like health, education, even international trade. From my point of view, unfortunate countries should spare no effort to improve those aspects. At the same time the developed countries’ government should pay more attentions to help the poorer countries.[开头由一个背景引入到主题，很好！]

It is universally accepted that the poorer countries are lack of money, which limit their development in many factors. So as for developed countries, the basic thing they can do is to lend money to the poor nations. Thus, [thus和前面的so很是重复啊]with the money, they can improve the medical technology, spending [and spend，并列结构]more money on education in order to make increasingly[increasing] children obtain useful knowledge. In addition, they can buy equipment and employ experts from abroad to develop industry.

However, only providing economic support is not enough. Many experts point out that short of experience is another factor which put the poor countries in a negative position in the global economy. It is indisputable that the industrialized countries have more experience on how to improve health, education and how to develop economy. They can share their successful experience with the unfortunate countries who has similar condition [conditions]with them ever before. Otherwise, it would take the poorer countries considerable years to find the proper way to develop. [不如这样写，moreover, it would greatly reduce the time span of poor countries which are seeking for proper ways to develop. 然后你再写一句总结下本段意思]

To summarize, nowadays it is necessary to develop the global economy, which need the great help of the richer countries. From what have discussed above, I strongly commit the notion that developed countries have been playing a vital role in not only the future development of the unfortunate countries, but also the changes of the world economy.

拉拉拉对语言的运用是很流利的，我看到了很多地道的表达，长短句的结合也很多。
建议你的文章结构这样来安排：
首先，为什么穷国家需要发展教育，贸易，这个可以从第一段剥离一些话独立成段。
其次，发达国家给钱来帮穷国的理由
最后，给钱不是万能，还有其他东西。

这样文章论证应该有力很多，改一改，可以推荐优秀习作啊~~

forbeckUID: 2297645

这题目没提出要求呀！所以我说后半段没了~~~~;d:

futuremanUID: 2327059

抓去版务箱灌水~;d:

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

对于题目本身的讨论还是留给高手们研究一下，我理工科学久了理解能力有些退化
谢谢你的指导：）:loveliness:

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

这个是夜空那个精读贴里的一个题目~~:loveliness:

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

It is universally accepted that the poorer countries are lack of money
这个确实用得太主观~:)
It is indisputable that the industrialized countries have more experience on how to improve health, education and how to develop economy
这个我本来觉得还勉强可以，“某些所谓大国的第一桶金来自对外侵略，这个经验都不适合发展中国家学习”，我没考虑这么周到~向你学习~~~~呵呵:loveliness:

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

谢谢菠萝兄~~~~~~
觉得自己写“为什么穷国家需要发展教育”会说很多重复的话，所以就没单独写出一段~:loveliness:
与其写出重复的话啰嗦，还不如不写~避免暴露缺点~哈哈~
不说写了会充分一些~~
争取下次更好~谢谢`~~:loveliness:

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

大致修改，最近感觉好忙
The gap between developing countries and industrialized countries is becoming wider and wider, along with the rapid development of the world economy today. Provided that things get worse like this, the developing countries will be weaker in a large number of aspects than ever before, such like health, education, even international trade. From my point of view, unfortunate countries should spare no effort to improve those aspects. At the same time the developed countries’ government should pay more attentions to help the poorer countries.

A considerable number of people think that the poorer countries are lack of money, which limit their development in many aspects. As for developed countries, the basic thing they can do is to lend money to the poor nations. Thus, with the money, they can improve the medical technology, and spend more money on education in order to make increasingly children obtain useful knowledge. In addition, they can buy equipment and employ experts from abroad to develop industry. Many people are convinced that conditions will get better after solve the financial problem.

Moreover, only providing economic support is not enough. Many experts point out that short of experience is another factor which put the poor countries in  negative position in the global economy. Some industrialized countries may have more experience on how to improve health, education and how to develop economy. They can share their successful experience with the unfortunate countries who has similar conditions with them ever before. Otherwise, it would take the poorer countries considerable years to find the proper way to develop.

To summarize, nowadays it is necessary to develop the global economy, which need the great help of the richer countries. From what have been discussed above, I strongly commit the notion that if the poor countries work hard, and with the help of the developed nations, they will develop more and more quickly in the future.

[ 本帖最后由 啦啦啦qlm 于 2007-9-3 23:43 编辑 ]