还有一星期考试 第一次写大作文

lcj_ieltsUID: 2359178

说起来惭愧，上一次考试没过就因为作文和口语，不得不又花钱花时间再考一次。可现在又快没时间了……

这篇没限时间，但我知道肯定有很多问题，还请高手过目。
Thank in advance。

There more and more advertisements directd at children, such as snacks, toys and other goods. Parents argue that children are under pressure . Advertisers claim that the advertisements provide usefule information.

When turning on the television, people can frequently find there are more and more advertisements toward children, and this trend happens in all kinds of medium. On the basis of my experience and understanding, although advertisements including refreshments and playthings can contribute, to some extent, to provide some information for the potential customs, they bring much pressure not only to the children but also to their parents.

To begin with, the young children lack necessary knowledge and experience which is used to judge matters objectively. That is to say, they can be easily influenced by these advertisements, no matter how these goods benefit them actually. A case in point is the advertisement produced by McDonald. When children see the attractive hamburger on TV, they can not help getting one and fill in their mouths immediately. However, this kind of junking food has nothing good for children’s health.

Moreover, the direct consequence of children influenced by advertisements is that they want to obtain more and more stuffs, which indirectly causes pressure to themselves and their parents, and even results in the worse relationship between them. Obviously, hardly can their parent meet all these increasing demands. Therefore the children may feel unhappy and then accuse their parents. Even if the parents can afford their children’s requirements, it will cause enormous wastes and make their children to get into the habit of consuming money.

Admittedly people can find what they want through advertisements, but the advertisement is nothing but a tool for producers rather than consumers. The universal situation is that people incline to buy what they told instead of what they need, which do more harms to children.

To conclude, advertisements that may mislead children in many aspects have more negative than positive effects on children.

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

发作文请在这里留下链接，有加分
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=724783&highlight=
同时热心板油（牛儿天空和啦啦啦）会给你修改
如果需要菠萝修改请在这里留下链接https://bbs.gter.net/thread-729183-1-1.html
同时欢迎你也给别人改作文（有加分啊），从而学习别人的长处，更快的提高自己咯

futuremanUID: 2327059

revising...

futuremanUID: 2327059

There more and more advertisements directd at children, such as snacks, toys and other goods. Parents argue that children are under pressure . Advertisers claim that the advertisements provide usefule information.

When turning on[to] the television, people can frequently find there are more and more advertisements toward children, and this trend happens in all kinds of medium. On the basis of my experience and understanding, although advertisements including refreshments and playthings can contribute, to some extent, to provide some information for the potential customs, they bring much pressure not only to the children but also to their parents. [第一，TS太长，简略些更有力度，但意思基本清晰。第二，题目立足于children, 你提出对父母也有影响，有些偏离题意。]

To begin with, the young children[young 和children重复，去掉一个] lack necessary knowledge and experience which is used to judge matters objectively. That is to say, they can be easily influenced by these advertisements, no matter how these goods benefit them actually. A case in point is the advertisement produced by McDonald. When children see the attractive hamburger on TV, they can not help getting one and fill in their mouths immediately. However, this kind of junking food has nothing good for children’s health.[末尾在稍微总结一下，最好不要写完例子就结尾]

Moreover, the direct consequence of children influenced by advertisements is that they want to obtain more and more stuffs, which indirectly causes pressure to themselves and their parents, and even results in the worse relationship between them.[TS还是长] Obviously, hardly can their parent meet all these increasing demands. Therefore the children may feel unhappy and then accuse their parents. Even if the parents can afford their children’s requirements, it will cause enormous wastes and make their children to get into the habit of consuming money[^unlimitedly].

Admittedly people can find what they want through advertisements, but the advertisement is nothing but a tool for producers rather than consumers. The universal situation is that people incline to buy what they told instead of what they need, which do more harms to children.[这段不知道是起什么作用的，我觉得可以着重说广告的好处，但你又说回到坏处上了]

To conclude, advertisements that may mislead children in many aspects have more negative than positive effects on children.

固定用法和长句套用的很熟练，没有太多可挑剔的地方，很赞，只是定语从句有些多，可以用分词代替。
TS过于臃肿， TS一上来就写长，并不能显示你的写作水平，只会给人罗嗦的感觉，简洁清晰是写TS的规则
首段TS有一个让步结构，说明你的文章至少要论证下广告是如何跟孩子提供信息的，但是文章只有第三段提到了广告的好处，但没有说到点子上。

从语言上，我觉的你精改后，可以考虑加进优秀习作里，  恩加油呵~~

lcj_ieltsUID: 2359178

谢谢菠萝的修改和点评 受益匪浅啊
这篇文章我憋了一晚上，考试的时候断然写不出这样的……基础太差，上次作文只有5.5:(
现在还有不到一个星期的时间，不知道用什么方法能保证到6分？

lcj_ieltsUID: 2359178

the direct consequence of children influenced by advertisements is that they want to obtain more and more stuffs, which indirectly causes pressure to themselves and their parents, and even results in the worse relationship between them

这里的which是不是引导的定语从句？ 这样的话是应该是指代前面的consequence，可好像离得远了点……
其实本来是想指代前面的半句话的，这样是不是就不能用which？

自己写的句子自己都看不明白 还希望高人指点:loveliness:

futuremanUID: 2327059

可以把which去掉, 因为后面的句子可以作为和is that they want to obtain more and more stuffs并列的内容