第四篇作文～继续拍啊

sunflower1207UID: 2318402

这篇作文很不好些，我把很大范围化的内容缩小到一个具体的environmental pollution上了
不知道这种写法可不可以
大家给点意见

Scientific and technological advance have improved our daily life, however in many fields scientists cannot solve the problem they have created themselves do you agree or dis? Give your reason.

With the advert of science and technology, the quality of our life has been greatly improved. However, we are facing some urgent problems caused by the advanced technology, such as environment pollution.

As the development of technology, private cars are poplular all over the world. Although the technology of automobile makes our life more convenient than before, the air pollution caused by cars is a real problem.The enengy of cars comes from the fossil fuels and  the burning of the fossil fuels releases carbon dioxide and other pollutants into the atmosphere. Increased amouts of carbon dioxide raise the efficiency with the air retains the sun’s heat. This results in increases of global temperatures. As the temperatures rises, the sea level will higher than before which may flood some coastal areas in the world. Nowadays, however, scientists still don’t have effective measures to solve this problem.

Another good example is water pollution. It is a great leap for human race during the period of the Industrial Revolution. But the burning of fossil fuels by steam engines obviously results in acid rain. The burning of fossil fuels produces sulfur dioxide and nitrogen oxides which react with water in the air and form a variety of acid chemicals. After mixed with rainfalls, the acid contaminants fall on the ground and thus form the so-called “acid rain.” Acid rain will lead to the death of fish and plants and cause severe damages to the local ecosystem as well as damage bulidings especially historic stone buildings, such as the Parthenon in Athens and Great Wall.

From all the discussion above, we can safely draw a conclusion that we have to balance with the environment and the development of technology in modern society. Sustainable development is necessary for the survival of mankind.

forbeckUID: 2297645

占楼~~~明早继续~~

futuremanUID: 2327059

发作文请在这里留下链接，有加分https://bbs.gter.net/thread-724783-1-1.html
同时热心板油会给你修改
如果需要菠萝修改请在这里留下链接https://bbs.gter.net/thread-729183-1-1.html
同时欢迎你组成互改小组帮助别人改作文（有加分啊），从而学习别人的长处，不要顾虑自己的水平不够，你的修改可以提供一个不同的方面给作者参考，而且更快的提高自己咯

forbeckUID: 2297645

With the advert of science and technology, the quality of our life has been greatly improved. However, we are facing some urgent problems caused by the advanced technology, such as environment pollution. 开篇把论述点给局限了，这个话题最好能从多个角度深入讨论

As the development of technology, private cars are poplular all over the world. Although the technology of automobile makes our life more convenient than before, the air pollution caused by cars is a real problem.The enengy of cars comes from the fossil fuels and  the burning of the fossil fuels releases carbon dioxide and other pollutants into the atmosphere. Increased amouts of carbon dioxide raise the efficiency with the air retains the sun’s heat. 前面描述汽车尾气污染的问题过于繁琐，最好能简略一些This ，我现在脑子短路，想不出来了：（results in increases of global temperatures. As the temperatures rises, the sea level will behigher than before which may flood some coastal areas in the world. Nowadays, however, scientists still don’t have effective measures to solve this problem.

Another good example is water pollution. It is a great leap for human race during the period of the Industrial Revolution. But the burning of fossil fuels by steam engines obviously results in/单词重复，revoke 或者cause也行吧？ acid rain. The burning of fossil fuels produces sulfur dioxide and nitrogen oxides which react with water in the air and form a variety of acid chemicals. After mixed with rainfalls, the acid contaminants fall on the ground and thus form the so-called “acid rain.” Acid rain will lead to the death of fish and plants and cause severe damages to the local没有大前提，没必要用local ecosystem as well as damage bulidings especially historic stone buildings, such as the Parthenon in Athens and Great Wall.

From all the discussion above, we can safely draw a conclusion that we have to balance with the environment and the development of technology in modern society. Sustainable development is necessary for the survival of mankind.如果脱离题目，这个结尾和首段呼应的很好
建议：
1、有些词重复使用，可以参考一下作文中常用的近义词
2、文章和题目有脱节的现象，感觉是偷换了概念，要不就是概念狭窄？
3、body部分感觉是在描述现象，好专业的样子，我这门外汉被绕得晕了都~~但是缺少了论证的过程

forbeckUID: 2297645

这篇我看得不是很认真，看的过程中，好几个同学打电话催我回学校了~~老是分心:o

要是有看不明白的，直接pm我吧！晚上有时间，应该会上一下的网，嘻嘻！刚听同学说，宿舍的网络早开了~~~~`;d:

牛肉伢子UID: 197768

蒙牛 好强 佩服~~~~~~

futuremanUID: 2327059

revising..

futuremanUID: 2327059

Scientific and technological advance have improved our daily life, however in many fields scientists cannot solve the problem they have created themselves do you agree or dis? Give your reason.



With the advert [是advance?]of science and technology, the quality of our life has been greatly improved. However, we are facing some urgent problems caused by the advanced technology, such as environment pollution. [开篇把论述点给局限了，这个话题最好能从多个角度深入讨论/菠萝：同意牛儿的意见，题目说many fields，文章只说污染，是不完全归纳论证]

As the development of technology, private cars are poplular all over the world. Although the technology of automobile makes our life more convenient than before, the air pollution caused by cars is a real problem.[到这里你才说到本段的主旨。为什么不简短一点浓缩成一句TS放在开头呢]The enengy of cars comes from the fossil fuels and  the burning of the fossil fuels releases carbon dioxide and other pollutants into the atmosphere. Increased[increasing] amouts of carbon dioxide raise the efficiency with the air retains the sun’s heat results in increases of global temperatures. As the temperatures rises, the sea level will behigher than before which may flood some coastal areas in the world. Nowadays, however, scientists still don’t have effective measures to solve this problem.[你要重点说污染和科学家不能解决自身创造的问题之间有什么联系，而你的论证过多集中在污染是怎么来的，有什么坏处，和题目差别有些大]

Another good example is water pollution. It is a great leap for human race during the period of the Industrial Revolution. But the burning of fossil fuels by steam engines obviously results acid rain. The burning of fossil fuels produces sulfur dioxide and nitrogen oxides which react with water in the air and form a variety of acid chemicals. After mixed with rainfalls, the acid contaminants fall on the ground and thus form the so-called “acid rain.” Acid rain will lead to the death of fish and plants and cause severe damages to the local ecosystem as well as damage bulidings especially historic stone buildings, such as the Parthenon in Athens and Great Wall.[谈论污染的原理和过程太多，要具体论证主题]

From all the discussion above, we can safely draw a conclusion that we have to [^make a ]balance with the environment and the development of technology in modern society. Sustainable development is necessary for the survival of mankind.

1.语言很流利，但是缺少一些比较亮点的表达和词汇，需要用词再丰富，避免重复
2.偏离题意, 必须论证科学家如何不能他们的问题的, 可以分两方面, 一方面他们解决了一些问题,另一方面还有暂时不能解决的, 不用领域全写, 拿几个做例子带一带就行
3.描述现象太多,缺少有力的论证.

建议重新写,要好好改呵 加油

sunflower1207UID: 2318402

嗯 今天看了一篇例文 是先花大篇幅描述科技如交通、互联网、太空旅行带来的好处如，再用较短的篇幅写了其带来的负面影响，最后做总结。