9月8号考试，麻烦各位帮忙指点一下作文，谢谢

unicodeUID: 2364575

剑6 test2的大作文，麻烦各位帮忙指出问题，谢谢！
题目：Successful sports professtionals can earn a great deal more money than pepple in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.
Discuss both these ciews and give your own opinion.

It is not rare to discover that sports elites tend to gain a big fortune, which is sometimes more the amount of money made by professionals in other important areas. While there exist some people whoare for the idea that excellent athlets deserve the money they receive, there is certainly loud voice coming from another group who strongly believe it unjustified.

First, there are enough resons for the money-justified people. The talent of those sports aces and countless effort they made is the basic reason for the money they earn. It is widely accepted that even the admission to particepate in a significant sports meeting or event requires more than ten years’ training, which demands unimaginable physical exercise and in turn hardly comfortable rest or dry clothes, let alone win a prize- the principal way for an athlet to rise to fame. Additionally, the profound influence exerts on society is far beyond the money paid. The never surrending attitude, the persistance towards the goal and the rigor in sports  are just among the merits that eminent sportsmen bring to us. Actually, they are paid for the interest they arouses to the nation wide dwellers. Besides, distinguished specialists are always presenting the art and mystery of man kind, and no where else can the physical beauty be better displayed.

For the money-unfair advocats, they also have certain considerations. It is no simple task to list all of them, but basically, the following two stand out from others. First, the enormous income of athlets may distract people form their original work and give them an illusion that there is a good chance to turn to sports career to make a big forturn. Also as a rule throughtout history, any occupation associated with a considerable sum of money can give rise to undesirable competitions, which make money becomes the paramount, not the pursuit of sports spirit. The fact is that, it always result in vicious circulation.

In my oppinion, however, it is undoubtedly necessary to reward outstanding sports professional with a favorable sum of money, only under one condition that the reward is well orgnized, carefully planned and scientifically supervised.

GriSSom.ZZXUID: 2234108

It is not rare to discover that sportselites tend to gain a big fortune, which is sometimes more (^than) the amountof money made by professionals in other important areas. While there (exist->are||这个地方word报错:verb confusion，所以帮你改成are了…)some people who are for the ideathat excellent athletes deserve the money they receive, there is (certainly->\)loud voice coming from another group who strongly believe it unjustified.


（改写的比较成功，但根据题目要求最好在开头也要给出自己的观点）

First, there are enough reasons for the (money-justified->sport-money-justified?)people. The talent of those sports aces and countless effort they made is the basic reason for the money they earn. It is widely accepted that even theadmission to participate in a significant sports meeting or event requires morethan ten years’ training, which demands unimaginable physical exercise and inturn hardly comfortable rest or dry clothes, let alone win a prize- the principal way for an athlete to rise to fame. Additionally, the profound influence exerts on society is far beyond the money paid. The never surrendering attitude, the persistence towards the goal and the rigor in sports arejust among the merits that eminent sportsmen bring to us. Actually, they are paidfor the interest they arouse to the nation (wide dwellers?). Besides,distinguished (^sport?) specialists are always presenting the art and mysteryof man kind, and no where else can the physical beauty be better displayed. (最后最好有个小总结)

For the (money-unfair->sport-money-unfair?) advocates, they also havecertain considerations. It is no simple task to list all of them, but basically, the following two stand out from others. First, the enormous income of athletes may distract people form their original work and give them anillusion that there is a good chance to turn to sports career to make a big fortune.Also as a rule throughout history, any occupation associated with aconsiderable sum of money can give rise to undesirable competitions, which makemoney becomes the paramount, not the pursuit of sports spirit. The fact isthat, it always results in vicious circulation.


（这段你写的第一个理由是体育会分散从事别的行业人的注意力…但好像并没有许多人转行去干体育；第二个理由是说与赚大钱行业相关的职业都会引起不好的竞争，使从事体育的人不去追求体育精神而是钱…但你这段的主题应该是说体育不应该比别的行业多赚那么多钱，不是在体育内部进行比较…你的意思是不是追求体育精神，报酬多无可厚非；一旦不追求体育精神，那么体育赚的钱就多的不合理了？但这在你文章中好像没有写清楚）

In my opinion, however, it is undoubtedly necessary to reward outstanding sports professional with a favorable sum of money, only (under->in) onecondition that the reward is well organized, carefully planned and scientifically supervised.
（结尾写的很好）

（总的来说文笔很好…pf~~一下；第一个body论证也很精彩；就是第二个body段感觉要改进一下；而且你的两个body段的TS最好也修改一下，感觉意思出来了，表达有点小别扭…有一点不太确定的是，题目要你讨论后提出自己的观点，不知道是要你再开一段阐述自己的观点；还是像你这样直接写在结尾里面…这个要看看这种讨论型的范文了；最后就是你的文章里面单词打错有点小多，像athletic什么的，不知道是不是把文章敲进电脑时的手误噢，就不一一指出了…）

BTW...LZ考试+u


[ 本帖最后由 GriSSom.ZZX 于 2007-9-3 10:35 编辑 ]

futuremanUID: 2327059

revising..

futuremanUID: 2327059

题目：Successful sports professtionals can earn a great deal more money than pepple in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.
Discuss both these ciews and give your own opinion.

It is not rare to discover that sports elites tend to gain a big fortune, which is sometimes more the amount of [去掉the amount of 重复]money made by professionals in other important areas. While there exist [are]some people who are for the idea that excellent athlets deserve the money they receive, there is certainly loud voice coming from another group who strongly believe it unjustified.[没有你自己的主旨,全都是转述别人的意见]

First, there are enough resons for the money-justified people[money-justified??这样生造词会很难看的]. The talent of those sports aces and countless effort they made is the basic reason for the money they earn. It is widely accepted that even the admission to particepate in a significant sports meeting or event requires more than ten years’ training, which demands unimaginable physical exercise and in turn hardly [rarely]comfortable rest or dry clothes, let alone win a prize- the principal way for an athlet to rise to fame. Additionally, the profound influence exerts on society is far beyond the money paid. The never surrending[non-surrending,never是个副词,用中文造英文词造的太多了呵] attitude, the persistance towards the goal and the rigor in sports  are just among the merits that eminent sportsmen bring to us. Actually, they are paid for the interest they arouses to the nation wide dwellers[用citizens]. Besides, distinguished specialists are always presenting the art and mystery of man kind, and no where else can the physical beauty be better displayed.[恩 给出三个理由,论证还是比较丰满的,但是语言有些生涩,用中文翻译过来的味道有些浓]

For the money-unfair advocats, they also have certain considerations. It is no simple task to list all of them, but basically, the following two stand out from others. First, the enormous income of athlets may distract people form their original work and give them an illusion that there is a good chance to turn to sports career to make a big forturn. Also as a rule throughtout history, any occupation associated with a considerable sum of money can give rise to undesirable competitions, which make money becomes the paramount, not the pursuit of sports spirit. The fact is that, it always result in vicious circulation.[这段论述语言好多了]

In my oppinion, however, it is undoubtedly necessary to reward outstanding sports professional with a favorable sum of money, only under one condition that the reward is well orgnized, carefully planned and scientifically supervised.

用词上还是要注意雕琢, 避免中式的句子表达出现, 论证上基本比较全面了, 主要是注意语言不要出现太大闪失
恩 考试加油呵~~!

unicodeUID: 2364575

非常感谢JG.S.WofA的意见，:handshake 也辛苦菠萝同志了！:)

unicodeUID: 2364575

感谢菠萝！！！:)

debbie.1234UID: 2301859

我也是在8号考试，地点是湖北大学，你呢

lazyboyUID: 2314767

我也是湖北大学考阿！

小栗子UID: 2238716

中文味太浓咯:)
我也后天考,,加油