雅思作文第八篇，谢谢大家指导：）

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

8.Young adults required to undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community.

When it comes to the problem that whether young people need to spend some time working for helping people in the community without paid or not. A considerable number of people believe that it will take them too much time of daily life, or disturb them normal work and study. From my point of view, some simple work such like helping people in the community have exerted an extremely vital impact on almost every young adults, helping them learn more knowledge which are not included in books.

In the first place, the basic advantage of my point is the fact that from participating in the community work, young people can learn how to cooperate with pther people. There are many kinds of work in a community,each of these work may not be completed be one person. Therefore in the working process, they will do the work with others who has similar age to them. They can learn by each other and exchange their ideas. At the same time of helping other people, they promote their team-work abilities.

In addition, there is no deny that the unpaid work will make them have more responsibilities to the whole society. Maybe for most of them, this is the first time that they do something for other people. The community work provide increasing number of confidence to young adults to a large extent, which makes them know other people need the help of them. It is an essenticial part of the life of a young man in order to build his own responsibility.

To summarise, as long as the young adults take the work properly, it will not influence their study and work. We can draw a conclusion that the unpaid work can produce a far-reaching impact on the youngs and should be encouraged to take the work, which will benefit themselves, even the society as a whole.

预测上的一个题目。
我的word的没有语法拼写检查，我下了好几个都没有:mad 所以我只能自己检查。
感觉作文的思路还是很混乱~:( 请大家指导

forbeckUID: 2297645

正好在睡前看到~~~~~
明天可能没有时间帮你改了~~我尽快吧;)

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

你速度好快`~~~~你有时间再改就行~~~谢谢`呵呵`~~~~
蒙牛真好~~~~~`:loveliness:

forbeckUID: 2297645

When it comes to the problem that whether young people need to spend some time working for helping/to help people in the community without paid or not. A considerable number of people believe that it will take them too much time of daily life, or disturb them/their normal work and study. From my point of view, some simple work such like helping people in the community have exerted an extremely vital impact on almost every young adults, helping them learn more knowledge which are not included in books.很保险的开篇

In the first place, the basic advantage of my point is the fact that from participating in the community work, young people can learn how to cooperate with pther/other people. There are many kinds of work in a community,each of these work may not be completed be /byone person. Therefore in the working process, they will do the work with others who has/have不过，这个很中式，直接用of similar age to them. They can learn by each other and exchange their ideas. At the same time of helping other people, they promote their team-work abilities.

In addition, there is no deny that the unpaid work will make them have more responsibilities to the whole society. Maybe for most of them, this is the first time that they do something for other people. The community work provide increasing number of confidence/ms confidence 没有数量可以限制的吧？ to young adults to a large extent, which makes them know other people/others need the help of them/their help. It is an essenticial part of the life of a young man in order to build his own responsibility.

To summarise, as long as the young adults take the work properly, it will not influence their study and work这句话在body部分没有论证过，下这个结论很主观哦　. We can draw a conclusion that the unpaid work can produce a far-reaching impact on the youngsyoung就指代年轻人拉 and should be encouraged to take the work, which will benefit themselves, even the society as a whole.
建议：
1、你在首段和尾段提到了对学习是没有影响的，但实在在文章中没有再次体现
2、抛开第一个问题而言，论证的还是挺有逻辑的
3、继续加油~~~：）

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

谢谢蒙牛:loveliness: ，
第一个问题我本来想单独写一段说一下，一看字数已经差不多而且没时间写了，看来这样有点画蛇添足了~~多余~~~~
我想young是单数，就加了个“s”,看来又多余了~~~~:loveliness:

牛肉伢子UID: 197768

支持一下了

对于斑竹的建议  感觉还是比较有建设性的

futuremanUID: 2327059

现在就只有啦啦啦写作文很积极~~赞一个
revising..

futuremanUID: 2327059

Young adults required to undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community.

When it comes to the problem that whether young people need to spend some time working for helping people in the community without paid or not.[句号应该是逗号，第一句只是一个从句] A considerable number of people believe that it will take them too much time of daily life, or disturb them [去掉them,没有disturb sb sth这个说法]normal work and study. From my point of view, some simple work such like helping people in the community have exerted an extremely vital impact on almost every young adults, helping them learn more knowledge which are not included in books.

In the first place, the basic advantage of my point is the fact that from participating in the community work, young people can learn how to cooperate with pther people. There are many kinds of work in a community,each of these work may [can]not be completed be one person. Therefore in the working process, they will do the work with others who has similar age to them[be similar to, 没有be，就没有 to sb 的说法]. They can learn by[from] each other and exchange their ideas. At the same time of helping other people, [不通顺，改成By means of helping others]they promote their team-work abilities.

In addition, there is no deny that the unpaid work will make them have more responsibilities to the whole society. Maybe for most of them, this is the first time that they do something for other people. The community work provide [provides] increasing number of confidence to young adults to a large extent, which makes them know other people need the help of them. It is an essenticial part of[in] the life of a young man in order to build his own responsibility.

To summarise, as long as the young adults take the work properly, it will not influence their study and work.[how to take work properly????你又没有论证，怎么能随便summarize呢？] We can draw a conclusion that the unpaid work can produce a far-reaching impact on the youngs and [最好不要用and并列举在这里，有点弄个长句弄巧成拙的感觉，换成分词形式吧]should be encouraged to take the work, which will benefit themselves, even the society as a whole.

注意语言运用的精细区别，还需要把遣词造句的功夫再磨练磨练
论证还是很漂亮的，分了teamwork和social responsibility两个分论点对第一段TS的knowledge展开，而且分论点内部的逻辑也还不错，很好~

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

因为开学积极的人都走了哈哈哈
就我一个人积极好啊~你的铺子冷清了你每天就看我一个人的了哈哈哈哈哈~~~~~