作文求拍~~~

H-KevinUID: 2182070

发作文请在这里留下链接，有加分
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-724783-1-1.html
同时热心板油（牛儿天空和啦啦啦）会给你修改
如果需要菠萝修改请在这里留下链接https://bbs.gter.net/thread-729183-1-1.html
同时欢迎你也给别人改作文（有加分啊），从而学习别人的长处，更快的提高自己咯

futuremanUID: 2327059

sorry sorry今天改的有点晚了...中午学校断网了...

futuremanUID: 2327059

If you were an employer, which kind of worker would you prefer to hire: an inexperienced worker at a lower salary or an experienced worker at a higher salery? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

Whether I would hire the experienced employee [hire experienced employees] in high salary or inexperience one in lower salary is depending on [depends on，没看出有进行时] the profit that employee [employees] could bring for [to] my company[从下面行文看，全文TS还应该包括cost这个方面]. If the company has enough money to afford the [去掉the]high salary demanding from the experienced employee, meanwhile I can gain more profits from him, I will not to refuse this employee. However, if I can infuse our experience to the novice, perhaps we could earn higher profits considering the lower salary for this inexperienced employee.[注意定冠词用法，还有一些我没改，你自己更正]

I would like to hire the employer in lower salary when I have the suitable position[这个position和首段联系不大，按照你的思路，应该表达成when I get equal or excess profits from them才对] for them and have not abundant in money. Remembered [Remembered有点多余，直接when I …..]when I found my job last year, I can not ask for high salary due to that I do not have the sufficient experience in the relevant work field. Then, I got my fist job easily because I can do something which does not need high technology with lower wage. [这个例子不能证明你的观点，因为例子中尼是employee，而题目要求你是employer,如果非要通过逻辑联系起来，也要仔细阐明，我还是觉得有点牵强]So if I was an employer and I do not need some specialist[复数], I would hire the same employee as [like]me in last year to do the fundamental position in my company. After all, using the fixed money, I can hire more employees in lower salary than that in higher one.

However, if I need the experience of which I lack to help my company in a rapid development and gain many [much] profits, I would like to pay high salary for the employee who has this experience. Compared to the profits brought by this employee, the salary is occupied in a small rate. For example, The Nissan Automobile Company (Japan) faced the serious finance deficit in the 2004 and almost confronted the bankrupt crisis. However, with the bait of high salary, the Nissan invited a French specialist to be their Chief Executive Officer. Only after one year, this French manager saved the whole company from edge of bankruptcy, and then brought the whole company the new energy and substantive profits in the following years. How many inexperienced employees could do the same thing for Nissan Company? The answer must be none.[这段论述还不错]

In sum, the salary paid for the employee is depending on the profits the employee could bring for me. Even though I hired the inexperienced employee,[even though 和if 两个条件句放一起，不别扭嘛] if he likes to learn the knowledge and I have enough experience to teach in relevant field to increase their experience, I still can image that he would bring profits for me. So I should know my real need and current situation when I decide the experience and the salary the employ should have.

第一段的开头很不错，不过我觉得你提出总论点后接着把分论点都说了，这样下面写分论点TS不是就重复了…..我觉得开头其实可以由一个一般的背景或者把题目改写一下，第一段最后再把总TS抛出来，然后下面每段开头再写分论点的TS，这样文章显得很有纵深。

我觉得你在努力挖掘题目和把握逻辑，这种深入思考是很好的，但是也暴露了你对文章结构把握力的不足，问题出在第一个分论点。既然全文TS认为是否employ取决于成本和效益两个方面，那你就要紧扣这两个方面来比较。第一个分论点应该是：如果我没有很多钱，然而雇佣inexperienced经过培训可以产生和hire experienced一样或更多的profits，那么我要hire inexperience. 第二个分论点是: 如果我有足够资金，employ experienced可以产生我无论雇多少inexp 都不能得到的profits，那么我就要experienced. 你第一个分论点的TS就出现了松动，导致第二段整体上散了，和主题有些脱节。

文章的结构总体上比较严谨，但是用词重复，比如depend，hire和最后一段有一句话反复出现的experience。没有太闪光的句子出现，而且有些句子不断用有点枯燥，对于ielts来说，漂亮的句子和词汇也很重要。加油

forbeckUID: 2297645

Whether I would hire the experienced employee in high salary or inexperience one in lower salary这句没有改写题目 is depending on the profit that employee could bring for/to my company. If the company has enough money to afford the high salary demanding from/这貌似有中式的味道,用法应该是demand sth. of/from sb.要求某人做某事，你要表达的是？ the experienced employee, meanwhile I can gain more profits from him, I will not to refuse this kind of employee. However, if I can infuse our experience to the novice, perhaps we could earn higher profits considering the lower salary for this inexperienced employee.首段过于啰嗦，明确的地处自己的观点就好，不用这么详细地说明

I would like to hire the employer/employee in lower salary when I have the suitable position for them and have not abundant in money. Remembered when I found my job last year, I can not ask for high salary due to that I do not have the sufficient experience in the relevant work field. Then, I got my fist job easily because I can do something which does not need high technology with lower wage.这是我一直不敢尝试的例子，看过很多人说不要用自己或朋友家人的例子，这样的说服力不够 So if I was an employer and I do not need some specialist, I would hire th的说服力不够e same/这里用same不太合适把~~ employee as me in last year to do the fundamental position in my company. After all, using the fixed money, I can hire more employees in lower salary than that in higher one.

However, if I need the experience of which I lack to help my company in a rapid development and gain many profits/可以考虑改成gain many profits in a rapid development ?要不断句的情况下读前半句，就会发现没有动词了, I would like to pay high salary for the employee who has this experience. Compared to the profits brought by this employee, the salary is occupied in a small rate. For example, The Nissan Automobile Company (Japan) faced the serious finance deficit in the 2004 and almost confronted the bankrupt crisis. However, with the bait of high salary, the Nissan invited a French specialist to be their Chief Executive Officer. Only after one year, this French manager saved the whole company from theedge of bankruptcy, and then brought the whole company the可删除 new energy and substantive profits in the following years. How many inexperienced employees could do the same thing for Nissan Company? The answer must be none.这句话太主观了，反问句用得很有水平，但是最后一影响很大，谁也不能肯定这种雇员是否存在

In sum, the salary paid for the employee is depending on the profits the employee could bring for me. Even though I hired the inexperienced employee, if he likes to learn the knowledge and I have enough experience to teach in relevant field to increase their experience, I still can image that he would bring profits for me. So I should know my real need and current situation when/before I decide the experience and the salary the employ should have.

建议：
1、逻辑严密，思路也很清晰
2、但是我还是想提两个意见：文章里有些中式的痕迹；还有就是字数问题，429~~考试的时候，怕是来不及

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-9-19 21:57 编辑 ]