豆豆球拍豆豆球拍豆豆球拍豆豆球拍豆豆球拍（作文更新10.13）

tk2008UID: 2334349

死板？

what do u mean?

豆豆～UID: 2378384

An increasing number of people prefer to go tomovies rather than  read(it should be "rather than" + doing something) fiction. However, others state that readingfiction is more enjoyable than watching movies (maybe you can add something that explain why "others state that ..." otherwise this sentence doesn't mean anything). Different people havedifferent opinions based on their individual background.(Different people would hold opposing views regarding various value systems^_^) As for me, Ithink(delete "I think", it's redundant) watching movies is more enjoyable(you've used "enjoyable", try "engaging"). My reason for this point arelisted as follows.(THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE VIOLATION! Does this sentence mean anything? No, because everybody knows that you are gonna lst your reasons. Does it add anything to your idea? No, because you dodn't say anything about the reasons. SO, please try to sum up the three reasons by using just one or two keywords and then put them together, like this: "This can be proven through XXX, XXX, and XXX.")

First of all, reading fiction in book would(could) be very(when you are contradicting the opposite of your position, you may use some words that indicate your attitude, thus "extremely" would be better here.)boring. There is("are", because the follow words are in their plural forms.) no moving images or sounds,(you cannot use a comma to connect two completed sentences. There are two solutions: A. "," ==> "."; B. add a transitional word after the comma) you not only have to (have to not only) readthe words but also think what does that(be aware of the plural words! it should be "do they" here) mean. For me, reading fictionin a book(redundant. "reading fictions" is enough) is just like I am study(ing). On the contrary, (while) watching movie, we(since you used "you" in the following clauses, "we" maybe better replaced with "you")just need to watch(see) and listen, when you are hungry, you can take somedelicious food; when you are tired, you can lay on your bed; when youare lonely, you can talk with your friends. So you can easily figureout that movie would be more enjoyable.(!!! The readers would not figure out anything while reading your essay. They would just absorb anything you have said in the 300-word essay. Do let the readers, a. k. a the raters, do the math, help them out.)

In addition, reading fiction for a long time woulddo harm to our eyes. As we know, there are more and more close-eyepeople(people who suffer myopia) in the world because of using their eyes too much. In thefiction book, the words are so small that you(r) eyes would be tired (even) ("even" is just to emphasize)aftera short time reading. If you keep on your(delete "your") reading, your (eye)sight woulddrop (sharply) (use adverbs wisely^_^) day by day. However, when you watching(watch) movie, the imagine("image" or you may use "screen") isbig enough that you would feel tired of your eyes(Dude, this is not the way to use "be tired of sth." You may say "... is so big that you would shortly watch your eyes into exhaustion.") easily. Even if youare tired, you can still carry on the movie by closing you eyes andlistening to it.(... closing you eyes and enjoying the listening part.)

Furthermore, we could get to know the latestfashional(up to date) information in the movie. There are plenty of beautiful girlsand handsome guys in the movie, they would bring us the latest fashinalinformation. I could learn how to dress me up and be a fashional man sothat I could be confident in my daliy life. So why not  take it.

I don't think this paragraph is necessary, because it is neither supported by an concrete example nor fully developed. If you really want to keep it, try to make it more fruitful by stating an example in your daily life.

From the factors presented above, I would draw theconclusion that watching moive deserve(s) the priority(,) and is moreenjoyable than reading fiction without any hesitation.


All In All:

Hmmm... I have to say that you have your merits, but some of which may not be the ones that are attractive to those american idiots. They want you to explain you idea by presenting examples that support your idea, not stating negative things to weaken the side that you oppose. What's more, you may really need use more accurate words, extreme words I might suggest, to indicate your tone, thus the readers would know which side you really uphold. Finally, it's not a bad idea to re-state the reasons you gave previously--it'll not take long time to do so.

There's still something about words... You may change some of the words you used more than once, e.g.: enjoyable, fiction, etc. The topic had already provided you with a lot of words that had the same meaning as fiction--novels, short stories. Use them:-)

I'm really glad to hear that you finished this essay in time. Congratulations!

An essay like this earns a score of 3 out of 5

GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR TOEFL!!!!


[ 本帖最后由 豆豆～ 于 2007-10-13 20:11 编辑 ]

紫苜蓿UID: 2587531

lz  我是新手 还有半个月就要考情人节T了…… 准备集中攻作文和口语

请问你的写作文软件在哪儿找的呀