argument153[Areo小组]第一次作业by孑。。。

孑。。。UID: 2371205

Argument 153 The following is from an editorial in the MidvaleObserver, a local newspaper.
"Ever since the 1950's, when television sets began to appear in theaverage home, the rate of crimes committed by teenagers in the country of Altahas steadily increased. This increase in teenage crime parallels the increasein violence shown on television. According to several national studies, even veryyoung children who watch a great number of television shows featuring violentscenes display more violent behavior within their home environment than dochildren who do not watch violent shows. Furthermore, in a survey conducted bythe Observer, over 90 percent of the respondents were parents who indicatedthat prime-time television—programs that are shown between 7 p.m. and 9p.m.—should show less violence. Therefore, in order to lower the rate ofteenage crime in Alta, television viewers should demand that televisionprogrammers reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time."

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The editorial tries to convince us television programmers should reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time, which depends on the assumption that violence shown on TV lead the increase of the rate of teenager's crimes. In addition, as to support the conclusion, the editorial cites the survey indicating that parents desire cutting the amount of violence in prime time. The argument may seem reasonable in some aspects; however there are several flaws we should not ignore.
First of all, the editorial depend all the argument upon the assumption that the increase of teenager's crimes has a causal relation with the appearance of violence in TV programs, which, however, the speaker fail to give sufficient support to. What's more, one can possibly relate the increase of teenager's crimes to the decline of ethics of the whole society, ignorance of family and school education, or lack of practical law in the aspect. Besides, teenagers, of course, have already become old enough to have some sense of judgment between good and bad, it is totally possible that the violent scenes on TV make few differences on them in their real lives.
Secondly, the survey conducted by Observer, which the editorial cited to support the need to cut down the use of violent scenes in prime time because of the parents' concerns about their children as the author assumes. Actually, the survey says nothing about the reasons why those people who require the decrease of violence for the prime time, however the author simply subjectively assert those reasons have something to do with the teenagers, even their crimes. Perhaps the participants of the survey accidentally prefer less violent programs, as the lack evidences to show that the respondents are a wide cross of sections and randomly choosing in Alta.
The last but not the least, the speaker also can hardly ensure that the decrease use of violence in prime time on TV will finally reduce the rate of the crimes of teenagers. As the negative influences from the nature part of society displayed every day in every aspects of society, such as newspaper, reality itself, Internet, computer games will never end, I doubt how much will be changed in teenagers' serious problem of crimes only by reducing the violent amounts in programs in a small particular time, prime time.
In conclusion, unless the author explain the indirectly relation between the increase of teenagers' crimes and the amounts of violence shown during prime time is exact causal relation, and some of the specifics of the survey to make it more cogent when supporting the conclusion the author made, I can hardly believe the increase of teenagers' crimes has something to do with the exposure of violence on TV during prime time. Moreover, it is probably more effective, that the measures the author suggest taken to solve the teenagers' crimes involve in other comprehensive aspects.

[ 本帖最后由 孑。。。 于 2007-12-13 12:56 编辑 ]

tonyyoreUID: 2317273

The editorial tries to convince us television programmers should reducethe amount of violence shown during prime time, which depends on theassumption that violence shown on TV leads to the increase of (in 后同)the rate of teenager's crimes. In addition, as to support theconclusion, the editorial cites the survey indicating that parentsdesire cutting the amount of violence in prime time. The argument mayseem reasonable in some aspects; however there are several flaws weshould not ignore. 开篇不错，很标准

Firstof all, the editorial depend all the argument upon the assumptionthat the increase of teenager's crimes has a causal relationship with the appearance of violence in TV programs, which, however, the speaker fails to give sufficient support to. What's more, one can possibly relatethe increase of  teenager's crimes to the decline of ethics of thewhole society (the increase in teenager'scrimes can possibly be attributed to the decline of ethics of thewhole society... 这样写是不是会好些呢), ignorance of family and school education (家庭与学校教育的无知？quite bscure) , or lack of practicallaw in the aspect. Besides, teenagers, of course, have already becomeold enough to have some (the) sense ofjudgment between good and bad; it istotally possible that the violent scenes on TV make few differenceson them in their real lives. 当一个句子成分完整的时候一定要用复杂句的连接词、复合句特征词、分号或者句号连接，使用逗号是错误的。

Secondly,the survey conducted by Observer, which the editorial cited (cites全文事态要一致)to support the need (necessity, need是主观需求吧) to cut down the use of (句子不要有赘余的成分)violent scenes in prime time because of the parents'concerns about their children as the author assumes. Actually, the survey says nothing about the reasons why those people who require (were requiring)the decrease of violence for the prime time, however the author simply, subjectively asserts thatthose reasons have something to do with the teenagers, eventheir crimes. Perhaps the participants of the survey accidentally(coincidently) prefer lessviolent programs, as the lack evidences(注意，evidence不可数)to show that the respondents are a wide cross of sections andrandomly choosing in Alta. (为什么该句前半句列举他因，后半句却是在从样本选取的角度反驳？)

The last but not the least (孙远写作教程标准使用语句，但实际上却是十分口语化的，尽量不要用), the speaker also can hardly ensure that the decrease use ofviolence in prime time on TV will finally reducethe rate of the crimes of teenagers (有点赘余，直接用teenagecrime不是更好么？). As the negative influences from the nature part of societydisplayed every day in every aspects of society, such as newspaper,reality itself, Internet, computer games will never end,(and或者which) I doubt how much will be changed in teenagers' serious problemof crimes only by reducing the violent amounts in programs in asmall particular time, prime time. (前半句论述的是其余的媒体，这里却说时间，需修改)

Inconclusion, unless the author explain the indirectly relation (the indirect relationship) between the increase of teenagers' crimes and the amounts ofviolence shown during prime time is exact causal relation,and (谓语缺失) some of the specifics of the survey to make it more cogent when supporting the conclusion the author made, I can hardly believe that the increase of teenagers' crimes has something to do with the exposure of violence on TV during primetime. Moreover, it is probably more effective, that the measures theauthor suggest are taken to solve the teenagers' crimesinvolve in other comprehensive aspects. (amore comprehensive aspect the teenage crimes involve in)

这篇文章的分析还是比较到位的，列举的逻辑缺陷也是比较明显的，但是语言的驾驭和句型、用词的变换上仍有欠缺。

下划线表示删去


拍的比较狠哈，多多谅解~~


[ 本帖最后由 tonyyore 于 2007-12-15 11:03 编辑 ]

victkidUID: 2326283

Sorry啊。我还没有开始看Argument，所以没有办法拍文。读过你的文章觉得很不错的，语言的运用上自己也很不行。楼上是高手，对比之后也学到很多东西。。
唯一要说的就是
The last but not the least 这句的确是不能用的。