issue243 and argument 153 [Aero作文组第一次作业]

beetle1986UID: 2431214

大家狠狠拍吧

Issue 243

Human civilization has been developed for thousands of years and has got glorious and wonderful achievements. Some arguers consider that the true value of a civilization is reflected in its artistic creations rather than in its scientific accomplishments. In my opinion, however, the artistic creations are indeed important but we should not ignore the value of the science.

Admittedly, artistic creations play an important role in the development of human and society. With the beautiful creations of artists, we are able to see the world in a cultural dimension. They make us lead a beautiful and meaningful life, and we cannot imagine how our lives will come to be without artistic creations. If we have no language to communicate, no characters to record our culture and history, no art to appreciate, no films and songs to make our lives wonderful, is there any difference between human and other animals? The society will stay in the age of Eden, and people will never have the chance to know what beautiful, colorful, and wonderful society means. It is really terrible.

However, scientific accomplishments are also so precious that it cannot be treated by ignorance. For instance, if engineer did not invent the plane or other modern vehicle, people who travelled from New York to Los Angeles may cost 3 months, and now is about 3 hours by plane; if the scientist did not fabricate chemical fiber, many people maybe have not enough clothing to defend against the bleak winter. There are so many examples which can show the fact that scientific accomplishment today are absorbed in every corner of our modern world, without science, we are just like the eagle without wings, we have ideal, ambition, but cannot fly in the azure sky, and civilization may be nonsense then.

The art and the science both affect the development of civilization profoundly and mutually, thus we cannot put either of them aside in order to pay more attention to another. On one hand, without art, the TV, film, and DVD which we have invented will be in no use; on the other hand, without science, albeit the artists have perfect imagination and creativity, they cannot create such fanatic images for us and we will never acknowledge their talent. So we should realize that no other than the art and the science are both developing in their own way, our civilization is able to keep its own track and advance ahead in a right and healthy direction.

In conclusion, the scientific accomplishments reflect the true value of a civilization and play a most important role in human development as well as the artistic creations.


Argument 153

In an editorial in the local newspaper Midvale Observer, the arguer recommends that television viewers should demand that television programmers reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time in order to lower the rate teenage crime in Alta. This recommendation is based on several national studies that indicate very young children watched television shows with violent scenes display more violent behavior. Meanwhile, to further justify this claim, the arguer points out that in the past fifty years, the teenage crime rate has steadily increased while the violence shown on television went up. Furthermore, a survey indicated that most parents wish that prime-time television-programs should show less violence. At first glance, this editorial seems very specific and forceful. A careful examination of it, however, would reveal how unconvincing it is.

First of all, the arguer simply ascribes the raise of rate teenage crime to the increasing of violence on television in past years is unwanted. Fifth years is a very long time which perhaps can change everything including the standard of living, the life style of citizens, the component of residents, etc. For instance, in past fifty years, local economic boomed a lot, abstracted a lot of residents and more floating population, it would aggravate local public security, and the teenage crime rate would rise accordingly. On front of the current situation, no one can assert violence shown on television result in the rate of teenage crime in Alta.

Secondly, the arguer commits a falsity of begging the question. According to several national studies, even very young children who watch a great number of television shows featuring violent scenes display more violent behavior within their home environment than do children who do not watch violent shows. It is known that violent scenes of children in their home do not mean they will do same thing out their home, and the violent scenes do not equal to crime. So we need not relate the children display violent behavior to rate of crime, it could be caused by the dotting love of their parents.

Additionally, the survey lacks universalism, the respondents are exclusive parents and their opinions about TV show time are only between 7 p.m. and 9 p.m. It would be more convictive that take a survey with teenagers in prison, it would be easier to found the causes of teenagers commit crime by research their reflection.

To sum up, the editorial is not well reasoning and lacks credibility because the evidences cited in the analysis do no lead to a strong support to what the arguer maintains. To make the editorial more convincing, the arguer would have to provide more evidence to prove that reduce the amount of violence shown can effectively reduce the rate of teenage crime. And it would be essential for the arguer to make an effective and representative survey to support the editorial.

hziu2UID: 2326409

言辞有激烈的地方,不要介意.有改的不对的地方,还请原谅.
Issue 243

Human civilization has been developed for thousands of years and has got glorious and wonderful achievements. Some arguers consider that the true value of a civilization is reflected in its artistic creations rather than in its scientific accomplishments. In my opinion, however, the artistic creations are indeed important but we should not ignore the value of the science.(开头写得不错，清晰。)

Admittedly, artistic creations play an important role in the development of human and society. With the（不用the会觉得自然一点吧） beautiful creations of artists, we are able to see the world in a cultural dimension(dimension用得生硬了，别扭). They make us lead a beautiful and meaningful life, and we cannot imagine how our lives will come to be without artistic creations. If we have no language to communicate（换成no poem to read吧，写的是art,应该用art的表现形式）, no characters to record our culture and history(看得不明白，建议删掉), no art to appreciate, no films and songs to make our lives wonderful, is there any difference between human and other animals? The society will stay in the age of Eden, and people will never have the chance to know what beautiful, colorful, and wonderful society means. It is really terrible.

However, scientific accomplishments are also so precious that it cannot be treated by ignorance（直接用can’t be ignored，作者的句子是中式英语了。而且ignorance是无知的意思）. For instance, if engineer did not invent the plane or other modern vehicle, people who travelled from New York to Los Angeles may cost （spend）3 months, and now is about 3 hours by plane; if the scientist did not fabricate chemical fiber, many people maybe have not enough clothing to defend against the bleak winter. There are so many examples which can show the fact that scientific accomplishment today are absorbed(permeate) in every corner of our modern world, without science, we are(would be虚拟语气) just like the eagle without wings, we have ideal（having ideal）, ambition, but cannot fly in the azure sky, and civilization may be nonsense then.（论证不充分，一系列的反问与假设用得不错，但是与论点没有好的结合。最后一句从个人过滤到社会很牵强。）

The art and the science both affect the development of civilization profoundly and mutually（mutually应该在下一句说，强调art与science影响是交互的.与前文的both联系有逻辑矛盾。）, thus we cannot put either of them aside in order to pay more attention to another. ( or pay attention to one only ). On one hand, without art, the TV, film, and DVD which we have invented will be in no use; on the other hand, without science, albeit the artists have perfect imagination and creativity, they cannot create such fanatic images for us and we will never acknowledge their talent.(这里没有说清楚，为什么没有科学我们就不了解艺术家的talent.) So we should realize that no other than the art and the science are both developing in their own way.(so we should emphasize the development of both art and science   ), and then our civilization is able to keep its own track and advance ahead in a right and healthy direction.
In conclusion, the scientific accomplishments reflect the true value of a civilization and play a most important role in human development as well as the artistic creations.
首先,文章没有有力的论点,就我的感觉来看,有点偏题了.方向有些不对.
第二,文章的论证过程不严密,看上去就像是作者大量铺陈反问句,却没有和主题切合.论题切入不深,其实是太浅了.
第三,作者的语言太简单,汉语式表达很严重.建议多看范文,练习复杂句表达.

觉得不错,思维还挺开阔的,学到了不少.嘻嘻...
Argument 153
In an editorial in the local newspaper Midvale Observer, the arguer recommends that television viewers should demand that television programmers reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time in order to lower the rate teenage crime in Alta. This recommendation is based on several national studies that indicate very young children watched television shows with violent scenes display more violent behavior. Meanwhile, to further justify this claim, the arguer points out that in the past fifty years, the teenage crime rate has steadily increased while the violence shown on television went up. Furthermore, a survey indicated that most parents wish that prime-time television-programs should show less violence. At first glance, this editorial seems very specific and forceful. A careful examination of it, however, would reveal how unconvincing it is(after careful examination, however, it can’t convince me).
First of all, the arguer simply ascribes the raise of rate teenage crime to the increasing of violence on television in past years is unwanted (为什么要用这个词，不是很明白。。。). Fifth years is a very long time which perhaps can change everything including the standard of living, the life style of citizens, the component of residents, etc. For instance, in past fifty years, local economic boomed a lot, abstracted a lot of residents and more floating population, it would aggravate local public security, and the teenage crime rate would rise accordingly. On front of ( facing )the current situation, no one can assert violence shown on television result in the rate of teenage crime in Alta.这一段看不出在驳斥哪个逻辑问题。十五年时间太长，其中发生了太多的变化来反驳少年犯罪与观看暴力节目没有必然联系，作者没有说清楚。而且又接下来说过去的十五年夸大了公共安全。。。这个，想不通。
Secondly, the arguer commits a falsity of begging the question. According to several national studies, even very young children who watch a great number of television shows featuring violent scenes display more violent behavior within their home environment than do children who do not watch violent shows. It is known that violent scenes of children in their home do not mean they will do (the)same thing out their home（outside）, and (for)the violent scenes do not equal to crime. So we (尽量用第三人称，保持一种论证的客观，用the report, the author, and so on) need not( should not) relate the children display (children’s) violent behavior to (the) rate of crime, it could be (may be 太绝断)caused by the dotting love of their parents.
Additionally, the survey lacks universalism, the respondents are exclusive (conclude that ) parents and their opinions about TV show time are only between 7 p.m. and 9 p.m.（看不明白作者想表达什么，若是说明调查的不具代表性，则与下文不符） It would be more convictive that take a survey with (among) teenagers in prison, it would be easier to found the causes of teenagers commit crime by research their reflection (这句与前一句话之间没联系吧，应该放在上一段，说明引起青少年犯罪的原因).
To sum up, the editorial is not well reasoning (unreasonable) and lacks credibility because the evidences cited in the analysis do no lead to a strong support to    what the arguer maintains(do not give powerful support to the statement). To make the editorial more convincing, the arguer would have to provide more evidence to prove that reduce (reducing) the amount of violence shown can effectively reduce the rate of teenage crime. And it would be essential for the arguer to make an effective and representative survey to support the editorial.
楼主表怪我说话不客气了.
这篇argu写得不好.楼主需要在这方面加把劲了.
整篇文章看下来,作者确实抓住了驳斥的几个毛病,但是却根本没有反驳的力量.
觉得作者是否是很草率的就写了,所以思路很不清楚.
而且语言方面也要努力,多背句子,熟悉英语的表达方式.


终于拍完一半了...给自己加加油...

[ 本帖最后由 hziu2 于 2007-12-16 09:03 编辑 ]