issue38,求拍~

billy4everUID: 2375586

题目：ISSUE38 - "In the age of television, reading books is not as important as it once was. People can learn as much by watching television as they can by reading books."
字数：440          用时：00:35:09          日期：2007-12-14 22:32:35

Do people learn as much through watching television as they do by reading books? The speaker thinks so; while in my point of view, the speaker overrates the importance of television in learing. Both the two means are all significant ways of gaining knowledge.

To begin with, in this highly rapidly increasing technology world, television becomes an important way in learning. Some factors may lead to such consequence. Firstly, it provides an lively and accurate way in study which differ from traditional way, such as books. According to a recent survey in China by Zero Company, people, especially kids, tend more willingness to receive new knowledge and information from telvesion than from books, magazines and so forth. Secondly, tevesion appears more 'real' towards people, since people can get direct and accurate figure of something they are interested in or want to know, while book only express some subborn words, phrases and sentences. To see is to believe and this maybe the reason.  Further more, through television, people can receive the latest news from anywhere all over the world. Once something happened in a place, even thousands of mile away, through television people can recognize what happened exactly. This is the advantage of television.

On another hand, book is as important as it once was, not true with what the speaker's assertion. Though television reveals several advantages mentioned above, it cannot replace the function of books. In the first place, book can provide a deeper way to explore an individual's inside thought, idea and mind, while television can only touch one's external. From those historical books, we can enhance our knowledge, borrow precious experience from former individuals and avoid similar tragedies which happened bofore; from philosophic books, we can broaden our horizen and purity our minds and, from painting books, we really enjoy a vision journey and feel comfortable through those wonderful painting. To sum up, we gain a lot through reading books. Also, books reveals something which television cannot express. For example, when I want to visit Bell Tower in Xi'an, an famous and traditional Chinses city, I turn on the TV and watch the program TRAVEL on TOUR CHANNEL. While to my dissappoint, since of limited time, television cannot show a whole perspective on introduction of Bell Tower. Thus I had went to National Library and check the information through books. It is worthy and contend to me and more details written on books. This is benefit what books bring to.

Overall, both television and book are important ways of learning. We cannot neglect any of them. Only adopt both can we human beings benefit and get further development.

嗯，不知道这样子写可以不，就是两个大的段落，每个段落内部分别有好几个理由，但都是同一个观点的不同方面，放在一个段里好还是分开分别成段的好~

[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2007-12-18 12:23 编辑 ]

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

Do people learn as much through watching television as they do by reading books? The speaker thinks so; while in my point of view, the speaker overrates the importance of television in learing. Both the two means are all significant ways of gaining knowledge.(个人的感觉你对题目理解有偏差, 题目的中心句是第一句, 第二句只是补充, 意思是说, 书不象过去那样重要, 因为现在看电视也可以学到同样的东西, 也就是说书有了替代品, 所以二者的重要性是同等的, 而书的重要性比以前下降, 所以仅仅说二者都重要是不能证明作者overrate the importance of television in learning的. 另外作者说的是"can"而不是"learn"就是说是在强调可能性, 而不是事实情况. 我们写ISSUE很容易犯的错误就是搞不清什么是平衡观点, 怎么对应题目, 特别是在需要判断作者观点是极端观点还是平衡观点的时候.)

To begin with(这种开头没有任何意义, 去掉吧), in this highly rapidly increasing technology world(in this technology-developing-rapidly world), television becomes an important way in learning.(还是对题目理解的问题, 作者强调的是书和电视的比较, 比较中的重点是替代, 所以你如果强调电视的好处, 要么说它替代书, 这样是同意作者观点, 要么说它跟书不一样, 这样是反对作者观点, 无论选哪个, 都要以题目为基点展开, 否则就很容易跑题, 象这里说电视很重要, 就不能算直接回应题目, 就象我说, 包子已经不象以前那么重要了, 因为我们可以吃汉堡, 而你说, 你过度强调汉堡的重要性了, 汉堡其实没那么重要, 但汉堡的确还是挺重要的--看出问题来了么? 我根本没提过汉堡的重要性) Some factors may lead to such consequence. Firstly, it provides an lively (vivid) and accurate way in study which differ(s) from (the) traditional way, such as books(book). According to a recent survey in China by Zero Company(来个大学的名字可能更显得有说服力, 反正老外都不知道), people, especially kids, tend more willingness to receive new knowledge and information from telvesion than from books, magazines and so forth.(这个例子跟你的论点是什么关系? 人们愿意从电视来学是因为电视更生动更准确么? 不是因为电视学习更舒服更省事么更有趣? 这里需要进行解释) Secondly, tevesion appears more 'real' towards people(这里跟前一点重复程度很大, accurate和vivid其实也是real, 所以前一点更好概括为interesting之类的), since people can get direct and accurate figure of something they are interested in or want to know, while book only express some subborn words, phrases and sentences. To see is to believe and this maybe the reason.  Further more, through television, people can receive the latest news from anywhere all over the world. Once something happened in a place, even thousands of mile away, through television people can recognize what happened exactly.(车轱辘话, 跟前面那句一个意思, 进一步解释, 电视台媒体记者怎么工作怎么播报新闻的, 这个是更有深度的论证) This is the advantage of television.

On another hand (On the other hand--注意用这个之前要出现过On the one hand), book is as important as it once was, not true with what the speaker's assertion(这里让你的论证立场变得很麻烦, 既然图书的重要性和以前一样, 那么电视又算什么? 需要对"重要性"进行定义了, 以前什么样, 现在什么样, 以前是唯一手段, 现在多了手段, 但书还是一样重要, 因为书的重要性是体现在什么, 而不是体现在它是唯一和最好的学习手段..等等). Though television reveals several advantages mentioned above, it cannot replace the function of books.(感觉这句才是你文章的中心, 放首段去吧) In the first place, book can provide a deeper way to explore an individual's inside thought, idea and mind, while television can only touch one's external. From those historical books, we can enhance our knowledge, borrow precious experience from former individuals and avoid similar tragedies which happened bofore; from philosophic books, we can broaden our horizen and purity our minds and, from painting books, we really enjoy a vision journey and feel comfortable through those wonderful painting.(论证层次还是浅, 为什么? 进一步问下自己, 回答, 因为书是以文字为载体的, 可以描述更抽象更深刻的概念, 电视往往只能看到表象, 而且记录的信息有限等等) To sum up, we gain a lot through reading books.(这句话太笼统了, 没什么存在意义) Also, books reveals something which television cannot express(这跟上一条不是一个意思么?). For example, when I want to visit Bell Tower in Xi'an, an famous and traditional Chinses city, I turn on the TV and watch the program TRAVEL on TOUR CHANNEL. While to my dissappoint, since of limited time, television cannot show a whole perspective on introduction of Bell Tower. Thus I had went to National Library and check the information through books. It is worthy and contend to me and more details written on books.(又是一个很笼统的举例, 你说大家还是没看出来书的好处在哪: 什么more details? 怎么叫whole perspective? 你的论证同样需要details. 不把这些说出来, 别人也完全可以理解为就是些构造特点, 那电视不是能表达的很清楚么? 或者理解为作者的设计思路, 那不就跟第一个分论点重复了?) This is benefit what books bring to.

Overall, both television and book are important ways of learning. We cannot neglect any of them. Only adopt both can we human beings benefit and get further development.

总评:
看过文章后觉得你的出发点并没有跑题, 即作者说的不对, 电视不能代替书, 但表达有问题, 参考我之前的批注, 文章最好是换成强调电视和书籍的不同点, 从而说明书籍的重要性没变.
论证上抽象表达过多, 导致文章很空洞没有说服力.
语言比较流畅, 有些形容词名词的搭配方式需要注意下.
另外因为你每段都有两个分论点, 所以需要大量篇幅去论证, 这种时候最好把段落分开, 不然看起来很累, 还要注意论证的简洁和精确, 不然很难在有限的时间里把问题说清楚.
加油

穿着拖鞋追你UID: 2375959

版主分析的好详细啊，赞！ 我看了一下，总体有一个感觉，句式有点单一，基本都是主语置前，这样可能看不出句子的丰富性吧，还有我觉得是否应该增加一些动词的深度。呵呵，个人意见！
   这是我刚刚写好的，思路和你的差别还是比较大的吧，帮我也看一下吧！多多指教哦！
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

billy4everUID: 2375586

嗯，谢谢lastangel 版主！还有楼上的点评！
总结了一下，我还应该改进两个大的地方
一是语言上，要准确表达，同时句式再丰富一下，用词也得注意
二是论证要用具体和细节替代空话和套话 再specific & detailed 一些
再努力！