argument15【Aero小组】第二次作业 by lingfoz

lingfozUID: 2435613

第一篇argument, 请大家猛拍.未限时,336字                              
The author of this argument tries to advise investors not to hold or purchase stock in Old Dairy stockholders. To support the advice, the author firstly provides a survey to prove nowadays most people indicated a desire to low-fat foods and low-fat foods abound in stores. However, the author finds many foods in Old Dairy Industries are high-fat food. Therefore the author infers that the company’s sales will diminish and their profits will decrease. This argument is weak.

First of all, this survey is incredible for the reason that the sample’ population and features are unknown in this argument. Providing that only one hundred people join the survey or the population of the sample is large enough but almost over-weighted people, the consequence of the survey that people tend to favor low-fat food products is questionable, maybe people remain their preference for high-fat food products.  

In addition, the information about food products’ category of Old Dairy Industries is not complete. Supposing that people favor low-fat foods, however, Old Dairy Industries produce many high-fat food products, does not mean they can’t produce many low-fat food products at the same time. Or, maybe they do not make low-fat foods but they are planning to make them. As a result, only through the information provided by the author we can not conclude that the company’ sales will diminish greatly.

Finally, the author’s inference that the company’s sales and profits will no doubt decease is hasty generalization. Supposing Old Dairy Industries produce little low-fat food products and people prefer low-fat foods as the author considers, we still can not conform this company’s sales and profits will decease. People’s preference is just one factor to influence foods’ sales, other factors such as prices, tastes, and types also determine food products’ sales. Therefore, this company’s sales will maybe be influence unobvious through people’s preference.

To sum up, this argument is invalid. The author should use accurate survey, complete information of Old Dairy Industries and careful generalization to make the argument more powerful.

[ 本帖最后由 lingfoz 于 2007-12-20 23:21 编辑 ]

saavedroUID: 2423190

第一篇argument, 请大家猛拍.未限时,336字 (字数是不是少了点，基本来说应该在400左右吧）                              
The author of this argument tries to advise investors not to hold or purchase stock in Old Dairy stockholders. To support the advice, the author firstly provides a survey to prove nowadays most people indicated a desire to low-fat foods and low-fat foods abound in stores.（建议把所要攻击的逻辑错误用承接词给连接起来，这样显得文章条理清楚而且便于阅卷老师看清楚）However, the author finds many foods in Old Dairy Industries are high-fat food.（这两句都是在说一个逻辑错误，这样不利于下面展开，建议应该罗列出来便于下面文章展开一一说明，下面段落展开和前面叙述一一对应） Therefore（，） the author infers that the company’s sales will diminish and their profits will decrease. This argument is weak.（This argument suffers from critical(unsubstantiated/unfairly/gratuitous....... ）fallacies that maybe weaken the author's claim.) （虽说Argument 不像ISSUE 但是还是建议这位朋友多看一些模板句段 背一些模板句和闪光句型，一方面能够提高语言色彩，在一方面书面化语言风味也浓些，这只是我的一个小建议）

First of all, this survey is incredible for the reason that the sample’ population and （什么的特征？）features are unknown in this argument. Providing that only one hundred people join（participate 书面化更好些，join 和survey这么使用搭配似乎不太合理？） the survey or the population of the sample is large enough but almost over-weighted people,（这里如果继续说明一下调查的胖子占基本人群中的比例我觉得更具有说服力） the（this) consequence of the survey that people tend to favor low-fat food products is questionable, maybe people remain their preference for high-fat food products.(这里有点不合理，应该解释一下是什么样的高脂产品，比如说使一些健康的高脂产品，或者是一些特殊的对于人们没有危害的高脂产品。）

In addition, the information about food products’ category of Old Dairy Industries is not complete. Supposing that people favor low-fat foods, however, Old Dairy Industries produce many high-fat food products, does not mean they can’t (应该说同时，表达意思是说目前这个公司一边生产高脂产品同时也有低脂产品，而盈利的龙头还是低脂）（are not ) produce(ing) many low-fat food products at the same time. Or, maybe they do not make low-fat foods but they are planning to make them.（如果说打算即将生产倒不如说已经生产了低脂产品作为一个现实的实际情况更具有说服力） As a result, only through（？through 用在这里是什么意思？）） the information provided by the author we can not conclude that the company’ sales will diminish greatly.

Finally, the author’s inference that the company’s sales and profits will no doubt decease is hasty generalization. Supposing Old Dairy Industries produce little low-fat food products and people prefer low-fat foods as the author considers（ing), we still can not conform this company’s sales and profits will decease. People’s preference is just one factor to (这里虽然没有错，但是我看朋友你的文章里头介词TO不定式用的有点太多了，为了体现文章语言多变化应该尝试多用一些别的介词）influence foods’ sales, other factors such as prices, tastes, and types also determine food products’ sales. Therefore, this company’s sales will maybe be(这里有问题，应该换一换表达方式） influence unobvious(ly) through people’s preference.

To sum up, this argument is invalid. The author should use（use 在这里用的不好，应该换词或者用别的短语investigate from this survey as attainment a pierce of accurate result of data.） accurate survey, complete information of Old Dairy Industries and careful generalization to make the argument more powerful(powerful??? 很奇怪啊 如果你想表达没有力度可以说 persuasion或者是 cogency).

我感觉朋友你这篇文章的整体风格很像CET-4 CET-6的论述评论文风格，没有体现出GRE ARGUMENT的风格，还是建议多看一些北美范文上的模板段落，临摹多写一下，不过第一次能写成这样也是很不错的了。加油吧，本人水平也是有限的很，一起努力吧。 另外就是感觉语言上没有什么特别精彩的句子或者是用词，GRE作文适当的用一些GRE单词（不要太多），另外多写一些长难句等等。  谢谢。。。

[ 本帖最后由 saavedro 于 2007-12-24 00:20 编辑 ]

cacipolarUID: 2186882

前面已经指出语言的毛病听多的了,这一点我就不想多弄了.但感觉字确实有点少,这点可以用摸班来弥补,而且你的摸班好象不见踪影啊,适当有一些对文章很有帮助的.感觉你的论述总是益友围巾,这个词我忘记怎打了,反正是哪个意思你懂吧,应该是提纲问题,应该再完善一下,对你更深入阐述会有很大帮助的.我也是第一次写,不过又写了下感觉好多了 ,期待下次在和你互拍了,这次就不给你再文中具体的错误描述了.下次一定.