Argument216 [0806G奋斗小组]作业32(拍必回)

神奇的光UID: 2398821

Argument216：The following appeared in a magazine article about planning for retirement.

"Because of its spectacular natural beauty and consistent climate, Clearview should be a top choice for anyone seeking a place to retire. As a bonus, housing costs in Clearview have fallen significantly during the past year, and real estate taxes remain lower than those in neighboring towns. Nevertheless, Clearview's mayor promises many new programs to improve schools, streets, and public services. Retirees in Clearview can also expect excellent health care as they grow older, since the number of physicians in the area is far greater than the national average."

395 words
       This argument concludes that Clearview is a top choice for anyone to retire, and the author cites several facts as Clearview’s advantages, compared with its neighboring towns, to support this conclusion. I find this argument weak, for several reasons.
     Firstly, Clearview’s spectacular natural beauty doesn’t necessarily come into the first concern of all retirees. Common sense informs us that retirees attach more importance to its welfare system instead of the natural landscape. Besides, some retirees prefer to choose a place where his or her relatives live, or even enjoy changing seasons. Based on the above analysis, the author’s recommendation seems to be too hasty.
      Second, the fact that housing costs in Clearview have fallen significantly during the past year, and real estate taxes remain lower than its neighboring towns lends little substantial support to the author’s conclusion. Perhaps Clearview’s housing costs are still higher than the nearby towns even if they have fallen greatly, and it is also possible that other expenses in Clearview are much higher than its neighboring towns. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author’s recommendation that Clearview is a top choice for retirees remains unconvincing.
      Thirdly, the promised new programs of Clearview's mayor to improve its schools, streets and public services are not sufficient to support the author’s conclusion, for that we don’t know whether these program will take effect in the foreseeable future. Thus, the author’s recommendation to choose Clearview to retire is still unpersuasive, at least based on this argument.
      Finally, the greater-than-average number of Clearview's physicians doesn’t guarantee that the per capita number is also greater than average. Even if that the per capita number is great now, it is entirely possible that it will decrease as the immigration of many retirees, considering the heavy burden put on health-care resources by retirees.
      In sum, this argument suffers from several critical flaws. Before I can accept its conclusion, I need to know what the most important factor is for most retirees to choose a place to retire. And I also need to know Clearview's living expenses, including its housing costs, and compare them with those of its neighboring towns. Besides, I also need to know whether the new programs cited in this argument will truly go into effect in the foreseeable future, and whether its per capita number of physicians will reduce due to the coming of many retirees.

sophielixinUID: 2386425

我来改一下咯~呵呵，不过自己的水平也不高，有什么错误的还希望指正啊
我觉得有几个问题~
1.        用词和句法与原来的题目貌似有听到相同的。而且用词也略显简单，不过有人说gre作文不是很注重用词什么的，我也不清楚。
2.        总体感觉有点空，动不动就是说不能支持，例子可以稍微展开一点写吧。

This argument concludes that Clearview is a top choice for anyone to retire, and the author cites several facts as Clearview’s advantages, compared with its neighboring towns, to support this conclusion.（ 这里少了连词吧~加上一个however之类的）I find this argument weak, for several reasons.
     Firstly, Clearview’s spectacular natural beauty doesn’t necessarily come into the first concern of all retirees. Common senses inform us that retirees attach more importance to its welfare system instead of the natural landscape. Besides, some retirees prefer to choose a place where his or her relatives live, or even enjoy changing seasons. Based on the above analysis, the author’s recommendation seems to be too hasty.
      Secondly, the fact that housing costs in Clearview have fallen significantly during the past year, and real estate taxes remain lower than its neighboring towns lends little substantial support to the author’s conclusion. Perhaps Clearview’s housing costs are still higher than the nearby towns even if they have fallen greatly, and it is also possible that other expenses in Clearview are much higher than its neighboring towns. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author’s recommendation that Clearview is a top choice for retirees remains unconvincing.（这里还可以说去年的数据今年和未来都不能适用，说不定去年降了明年就涨回来了呢，进一步批一下会好一点吧）
      Thirdly, the promised new programs of Clearview's mayor to improve its schools, streets and public services（这话说的挺绕的啊） are not sufficient to support the author’s conclusion, for that we don’t know whether these program will take effect in the foreseeable future. Thus, the author’s recommendation to choose Clearview to retire is still unpersuasive, at least based on this argument（只说是这一点就好了，改成point之类的，否则让人感觉好像是文章到这里就要结束了似的）.
      Finally, the greater-than-average number of Clearview's physicians doesn’t guarantee that the per capita number is also greater than average. Even if that（这里不知道有没有问题，读着总觉得不爽，把that去掉吧） the per capita number is great now, it is entirely possible that it will decrease as the immigration of many(这个词可以换换了) retirees, considering the heavy burden put on health-care resources by retirees.
      In sum, this argument suffers from several critical flaws. Before I can accept its conclusion, I need to know what the most important factor is for most retirees to choose a place to retire. And I also need to know Clearview's living expenses, including its housing costs, and compare them with those of its neighboring towns. Besides, I also need to know whether the new programs cited in this argument will truly go into effect in the foreseeable future, and whether its per capita number of physicians will reduce due to the coming of many retirees.

[ 本帖最后由 sophielixin 于 2007-12-22 13:19 编辑 ]

神奇的光UID: 2398821

谢谢修改:)

fengyunliUID: 2384208

楼主语言功底很好呀！羡慕:)
不过，the author cites several facts as Clearview’s advantages, compared with its neighboring towns, to support this conclusion. 这些facts不全是compared with its neighboring吧? 这么写是不是不太合适？

breathUID: 2417355

395 words
       This argument concludes that Clearview is a top choice for anyone to retire, and the author cites several facts（似乎是事实了，换个词比较好，如aspect） as Clearview’s advantages, compared with its neighboring towns, to support this conclusion. I find this argument weak, however, for several reasons.
     Firstly, Clearview’s spectacular natural beauty doesn’t necessarily come into the first concern of all retirees. Common sense informs us that retirees attach more importance to its welfare system instead of the natural landscape. Besides, some retirees prefer to choose a place where his or her relatives live, or even enjoy changing seasons. Based on the above analysis, the author’s recommendation seems to be too hasty.
      Second, the fact that housing costs in Clearview have fallen significantly during the past year, and real estate taxes remain lower than its neighboring towns lends little substantial support to the author’s conclusion. Perhaps Clearview’s housing costs are still higher than the nearby towns even if they have fallen greatly, and it is also possible that other expenses in Clearview are much higher than its neighboring towns. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author’s recommendation that Clearview is a top choice for retirees remains unconvincing.
      Thirdly, the promised new programs of Clearview's mayor to improve its schools, streets and public services are not sufficient to support the author’s conclusion, for that we don’t know whether these program will take effect in the foreseeable future. Thus, the author’s recommendation to choose Clearview to retire is still unpersuasive, at least based on this argument.（这一段论述显得很简单，除了蓝色部分其实就很空了，可以再酝酿一下）
      Finally, the greater-than-average number of Clearview's physicians doesn’t guarantee that the per capita number is also greater than average. Even if that the per capita number is great now, it is entirely possible that it will decrease as the immigration of many retirees, considering the heavy burden put on health-care resources by retirees.
      In sum, this argument suffers from several critical flaws. Before I can accept its conclusion, I need to know what the most important factor is for most retirees to choose a place to retire. And I also need to know Clearview's living expenses, including its housing costs, and compare them with those of its neighboring towns. Besides, I also need to know whether the new programs cited in this argument will truly go into effect in the foreseeable future, and whether its per capita number of physicians will reduce due to the coming of many retirees.

本文抓住了文中的四处错误进行了论述，结构很清晰，语言也很准确，基本没什么毛病。但我觉得就其中的某些进行重点论述比面面俱到或许效果会更好些。以上仅是个人观点，值得斟酌。

[ 本帖最后由 breath 于 2007-12-22 22:38 编辑 ]

krasovskyUID: 2232937

This argument concludes that Clearview is a top choice for anyone to retire(to live after retirement), and the author cites several facts as Clearview’s advantages, compared with its neighboring towns, to support this conclusion. I find this argument weak, for several reasons.
     Firstly, Clearview’s spectacular natural beauty doesn’t necessarily come into the first concern of all retirees(应该是most of the retirees吧, 不可能所有人都喜欢). Common sense informs us that retirees attach more importance to its(不要its) welfare system instead of the natural landscape. Besides, some retirees prefer to choose a place where his or her relatives live(感觉改成和朋友住得近好点, 不知道西方人是不是也喜欢和亲戚住?), or even enjoy changing seasons. Based on the above analysis, the author’s recommendation seems to be too hasty.
      Second, the fact that housing costs in Clearview have fallen significantly during the past year, and real estate taxes remain lower than its neighboring towns lends little substantial support to the author’s conclusion. Perhaps Clearview’s housing costs are still higher than the nearby towns even if they have fallen greatly, and it is also possible that other expenses in Clearview are much higher than its neighboring towns. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author’s recommendation that Clearview is a top choice for retirees remains unconvincing.
      Thirdly, the promised new programs of Clearview's mayor to improve its schools, streets and public services are not sufficient to support the author’s conclusion, for that we don’t know whether these program will take effect in the foreseeable future. Thus, the author’s recommendation to choose Clearview to retire is still unpersuasive, at least based on this argument.(个人感觉应该去掉这句)
      Finally, the greater-than-average number of Clearview's physicians doesn’t guarantee that the per capita number is also greater than average. Even if that the per capita number is great now, it is entirely possible that it will decrease as the immigration of many retirees, considering the heavy burden put on health-care resources by retirees.(这段没攻击医生水平可能不高是想避免和大多数人重复吧??)
      In sum, this argument suffers from several critical flaws. Before I can accept its conclusion, I need to know what the most important factor is for most retirees to choose a place to retire. And I also need to know Clearview's living expenses, including its housing costs, and compare them with those of its neighboring towns. Besides, I also need to know whether the new programs cited in this argument will truly go into effect in the foreseeable future, and whether its per capita number of physicians will reduce due to the coming of many retirees.

结构上完整, 语言也没问题, 你的文章总是很精炼, 向你学习
也去拍下我的吧http://bbs.gter.ce.cn/bbs/thread-780787-1-1.html

[ 本帖最后由 krasovsky 于 2007-12-23 11:21 编辑 ]