ARGUMENT26 【Aero小组】第4次作业by lovemxf

lovemxfUID: 2335206

Argument26  第2篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------题目------
The following appeared in a memo from the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda.
'For the past five years, Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School, and during that time the school band from Steel City High has won three regional band competitions. In addition, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High has improved markedly over the past five years. Because of such successes at Steel City High, the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system.'
------正文------
The arguer claims that the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system, because Mr. Schade does a good job at Steel City High School (SCHS). However, the argument suffers with insufficient evidences and problematic reasoning process that it is unconvincing as it stands.

Firstly, the arguer makes a false analogy between SCHS and Saluda. However, the arguer does not provide any evidences to demonstrate that they are similar. For example, it is possible that students in SCHS are fond of music that students and the authority of the school pay many attentions to music. But students in Saluda maybe regard science more important than music; therefore they pay little attention to music. For this matter, employing Mr. Charles might not have the same effect in Saluda school.

Secondly, even if two schools are the same, winning three times regional band competitions does not totally attribute to Mr. Schade's contribution. It is also due to the capability of members of the band and the capability of other bands. Lacking evidence to illustrate that the success is due to one person, the arguer does not draw any conclusion that Mr. Schade possess good abilities to direct the music band.

Thirdly, even if awards are due to Mr. Schade, the arguer does not convince us that improving the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments have any causal relationship with him. Common sense informs me that improving the implements depends on many conditions which are not only decided by one person.  

Finally, the arguer overlooks some other problems and draws an unwarranted conclusion. The evidences which cites by the arguer happened five years ago, and now it might not suit for today for many things having changed. On the other hand, the person served as director in SCHS, but the arguer wants to hire him to do the other job that he would not be apt to the new job for that he has no experience in this job.

To sum up, the argument is unpersuasive for false analogy and problematic evidences. To support it the arguer must provide more evidences that the two schools are similarity and the role of Mr. Charles is the main reason of the band winning the competition. To better assess the argument, I should also know that why to hire Mr. Charles to plan and direct the general music education programs.

请给我该作文的同学着重看我的语法错误，不胜感激！！

sheldenUID: 2338299

Firstly, the arguer makes a false analogy between SCHS and Saluda. However, the arguer does not provide any evidences （这个词不可数）to demonstrate that they are similar. For example, it is possible that students in SCHS are fond of music that students and the authority of the school pay many attentions to music. But students in Saluda maybe regard science more important than music; therefore they pay little attention to music. For this matter, employing Mr. Charles might not have the same effect in Saluda school.
Secondly, even if two schools are the same, winning three times regional band competitions does not totally attribute to Mr. Schade's contribution. It is also due to the capability of members of the band and the capability of other bands. Lacking evidence to illustrate that the success is due to one person, the arguer does（should） not draw any conclusion that Mr. Schade possesses good abilities to direct the music band.Thirdly, even if the awards are due to Mr. Schade, the arguer does not convince us that improving the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments have any causal relationship(用relation relationship多指男女关系) with him. Common sense informs me that improving the implements depends on many conditions which are not only decided by one person.  
建议再写点列子丰满一下这段论证Finally, the arguer overlooks some other problems and draws an unwarranted conclusion. The evidences which cites by the arguer happened five years ago, and now it might not suit for today for many things having changed. On the other hand, the person served as director in SCHS, but the arguer wants to hire him to do the other（another） job that he would not be apt to(adaptable 更合适) the new job for that he has no experience in this job.（in the new one）
To sum up, the argument is unpersuasive for false analogy and problematic evidences. To support it the arguer must provide more evidences that the two schools are similarity(similar) and the role of Mr. Charles is the main reason of(for) the band winning the competition. To better assess the argument, I should also know that why to hire Mr. Charles to plan and direct the general music education programs.最后一句话笼统了点  说点具体的  把上面驳斥的再列一遍就行

ARGU写的不错 错误找的很清楚  也很全面  加油哦

liuyingbnuUID: 2321970

The arguer claims that the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system, because Mr. Schade does a good job at Steel City High School (SCHS). However, the argument suffers with insufficient evidences and problematic reasoning process that it is unconvincing as it stands.Firstly, the arguer makes a false analogy between SCHS and Saluda. However（前面说false,这儿转折不太明显啊）, the arguer does not provide any evidences to demonstrate that they are similar. For example, it is possible that students in SCHS are fond of music that（这个that前后句的意思不太清楚啊，想要表示并列还是什么关系） students and the authority of the school pay many attentions to music. But students in Saluda maybe regard science more important than music; therefore they pay little attention to music. For this matter, employing Mr. Charles might not have the same effect in Saluda school.Secondly, even if two schools are the same, winning three times regional band competitions does not totally attribute to Mr. Schade's contribution. It is （may be）also due to the capability of members of the band and the capability of other bands. (这句话是想说他们的乐队成员比其它乐队成员能力强吗？可以直接用比较句型来说，感觉意思会明确一些)Lacking evidence to illustrate that the success is due to one person, the arguer does not draw any conclusion that Mr. Schade possess good abilities to direct the music band.Thirdly, even if awards are due to Mr. Schade, the arguer does not convince us that improving the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments have any causal relationship with him. Common sense informs me that improving the implements depends on many conditions which are not only decided by one person.  Finally, the arguer overlooks some other problems and draws an unwarranted conclusion. The evidences which cites by the arguer happened five years ago, and now it might not suit for today for many things having changed.（for many things have changed for后面一般是接句子） On the other hand, the person （is）served as director in SCHS, but the arguer wants (want这种词在这种文章里面显得随意了些，换个稍微正式点的表达方式吧) to hire him to do the other （the other 两者当中的另一种）job that he would not be apt to the new job for that he has no experience in this job.To sum up, the argument is unpersuasive for false analogy and problematic evidences. To support it the arguer must provide more evidences that the two schools are similarity（这个是名词，similar enough to commit an analogy） and the role of Mr. Charles is the main reason of the band winning the competition. To better assess the argument, I should also know that why to hire Mr. Charles to plan and direct the general music education programs.
问题抓得不错，攻击得也比较到位，但是有些用词还欠准确，尤其是模板以外的主体部分，要多加练习哦，平时也要多总结，加油！