ARGUMENT28【Aero小组】第4次作业 BY BIGYAN

bigyanUID: 2382427

In this argument the author concludes thata in order to improve  the general music education, the Sachade need to hire Mr schade. To support this point, evident that Steel City High school has won three regional band competition under Charles Schade's management is presented. In addition, the argument reasons that the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City high school has improved markedly. However, there are some obvious fallacy i wantto point out  in this argument.
Firsty, without considering deeply, the survey dose not provide complete information concerning the comprehensive level in the region where  Steel City High school stands. If the other schools are not good at music education, and are poor in rehearsal. It can images that the school beated any other school easily. Apart from this, even if they have won three times, the winning can not indicates that Charles Schade take important role in it. On the contrary, without dedication from the member of the band, it is impossible for the success in the competition.
Secondly, the evident failed to ensure me that the qulity of the music rehearsal facilities and music instruments has something with Charles Schade. During five years, social may has developed fastly, so the instrument industry dose.Using the enough money ,not only Steel City but also any other school can
renew their instruments. So, in this case, the survey can not prove the special ability of the director ,and hiring him dose not mean the improvement of the qulity of instrument, which is able to make the result better in the competition.
Finally, because of absence of the data about whether Charles Schade does well in planing and directing the programs for the entire school system or not, it is dangerous to conclude so as the argument dose. Obviously, the winning of the Steel City  dose not indicates he stands out in making plan or program.Before gaining the farther information, I am not sure about the result of hiring him.
In sum, the argument for hiring Charles Schade based on the severl fallacy statistics can not provide powerful cause. Nobody will be not sure about the result after hiring him. After under the suspious survey, the conclusion may fall to a pitfall unconsiously. To avoid this, only we can do is considering comprehensively and deeply.

beetle1986UID: 2431214

In this argument the author concludes that in order to improve the general music education, the Saluda need to hire Mr. schade. To support this point, evident(这个词的意思是明显的，不理解为什么用在这里？你是想用evidence?) that Steel City High school has won three regional band competition(s) under Charles Schade's management is presented. In addition, the argument reasons that the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City high school has improved markedly. However, there are some obvious fallacy (fallacies) I want to point out in this argument.Firstly, without considering deeply, the survey does not provide complete information concerning the comprehensive level in the region where Steel City High school stands. If the(删去) other schools are not good at music education, and are（删去） poor in rehearsal（在这句话里，用good at 不太好吧，最多说其他学校不重视音乐教育）. It can images(can后面肯定要接动词原形了) that the school beated any other school easily（it is possible that SCHS beats other school easily）. Apart from this, even if they have won three times, the winning can not(cannot indicate一个是can和not要连写，再一个是情态动词后面肯定要接动词原形) indicates that Charles Schade take important role in it. On the contrary, without dedication from the member of the band, it is impossible for the success in the competition.总的感觉这一段的论证不够严密和缺乏逻辑。主要表达的意思应该是钢铁中学的成功不应归功于教师一个人。你的论证是可能其他学校不重视音乐，然后乐队成员的努力也很重要。这两个论据都不是很有力。可以直接地指出，钢铁中学在CS上任前的成绩怎么样，这个学校是不是特别重视音乐教育等方面。Secondly, the evident（evidence）failed(fails) to ensure me that the qulity(quality) of the music rehearsal facilities and music instruments has something with(has something to do with另外，这个地方用设备的改善比较好，因为论者说的是条件改善了) Charles Schade. During five years, social may has developed fastly？？, so the instrument industry dose. Using the enough money, not only Steel City but also any other school can renew their instruments. So, in this case, the survey can not(cannnot) prove the special ability of the director ,and hiring him dose(does) not mean the improvement of the qulity(quality) of instrument, which is able to make the result better in the competition.(题干中是说他使设备质量提高了，没有说设备质量提高导致赢得比赛)Finally, because of absence of the data about whether Charles Schade does well in planing（planning） and directing the programs for the entire school system or not, it is dangerous to conclude so as the argument dose. Obviously, the winning of the Steel City dose(does) not indicates(indicate) he stands out in making plan or program. Before gaining the farther information, I am not sure about the result of hiring him.In sum, the argument for(about) hiring Charles Schade based on the severl(several) fallacy(这个地方要用复数，如果是修饰后面的统计的话，是不是要找一个形容词。另外，这里好像没有统计？) statisticscan not（cannot） provide powerful cause. Nobody will be not sure about the result after hiring him(重读一下这句话，有没有问题？). After under the suspious（suspicious） survey, the conclusion may fall to a pitfall unconsiously（unconsciously）. To avoid this, only we can do is considering comprehensively and deeply.

你是不是用AWP写的？我觉得首要解决的问题就是一些最基本的单词拼写啊，单复数啊，时态等等。ETS没有明说会因为这个扣你分，但如果满篇都是的话，分数肯定会下降的。建议写完后用word检查一遍。

还是多看范文吧。

孑。。。UID: 2371205

ARGUMENT28【Aero小组】第4次作业 BY BIGYAN

In this argument the author concludes thata in order to improve  the general music education, the Sachade need to hire Mr schade. To support this point, evident that Steel City High school has won three regional band competition under Charles Schade's management is presented. In addition, the argument reasons that the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City high school has improved markedly. However, there are some obvious fallacy i wantto point out  in this argument.

开头写得很对味。Firsty, without considering deeply, the survey dose not provide complete information concerning the comprehensive（general） level in the region where  Steel City High school stands（这一句好像没说清楚。）. If （It is possible that）the other schools are not good at music education, and are poor in rehearsal. It can images that the school beated any other school easily.(这个句式。。很奇怪。) Apart from this（besides）, even if they have won three times, the winning can not indicates that Charles Schade take(play an) important role in it. On the contrary, without dedication from the member of the band, it is impossible for the success in the competition.

后面的东西没有围绕中心句来写。抑或是中心句没有放在最开始。Secondly, the evident failed to ensure me that the qulity of the music rehearsal facilities and music instruments has something to do with （这个表达还有很多更书面的形式。）Charles Schade. During five years, social may has developed fastly（fast）, so the instrument industry dose. （要不要倒装？）Using the enough money ,not only Steel City but also any other school can renew their instruments. So, in this case, the survey can not prove the special ability of the director ,and hiring him dose not mean the improvement of the qulity of instrument, （原文好像没有这个假设）which is able to make the result better in the competition.Finally, because of absence of the data about whether Charles Schade does well in planing and directing the programs for the entire school system or not, it is dangerous to conclude so as the argument dose. Obviously, the winning of the Steel City  dose not indicates he stands out in making plan or program.Before gaining [the] farther information, I am not sure about the result of hiring him.（这个太口语化了吧。）In sum, the argument for hiring Charles Schade based on the severl fallacy statistics can not provide powerful cause. Nobody will be not sure about the result after hiring him.（这句话好纠结。） After under the suspious survey, the conclusion may fall to a pitfall unconsiously. To avoid this, only we can do is considering comprehensively and deeply.（最后一句没见过有别人这样写的。不知是否多余。）

最后一段一般是要提出一些建议。以帮助作者巩固其论证。
Argument比issue写得好。。

[ 本帖最后由 孑。。。 于 2008-1-5 21:20 编辑 ]