ISSUE51|0806G-AW小组|第二次作业 by lilumilu

lilumiluUID: 2332310

TOPIC: ISSUE51 - "Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."
WORDS: 523         

As an popular saying, the interest is the best teacher, which also emphasizes the important role interests playing on learning. There is no doubt that the needs and interests should promote the learning efficiency of students. According to that, the authorities of education are supposed to offer curricula to  meet the individual needs and interests of students, as well as teachers and parents should change their old fashion of education and pay more attentions on the needs and interests of children, which were overlooked in the past.

With an old perspective on education, people, including the students, tend to opine that teachers are in the position of authority and what students need to do is to absorb the offered information passively. Because of the asymmetrical and unbalanced relationship between teachers and students, the later one has little choice in classroom leading to the unpleasant association with courses. Furthermore, it is no doubt that the impassive attitude should obstruct the progress on work. In addition, students' idealities and future expectation can not be respected when their requires on interests are unsatisfactory. It is the purpose of education to offer students knowledge, methods, values, creativities and, the most important, to cultivate personality of the individual. Obviously, the various kinds of needs and interests reveal the various personalities, which claim respects. If all the children are educated by the same way, there are no more personalities and creativities. On one side, we even can consider the education work ineffectively without meeting students' interests.

It is time to transform the unequal relationship between students and teachers in order to centralize students. When it comes true, the primary thing is to respect students' needs and interests. The strong drive from students' needs or interests, which is much more powerful than the advice from teachers or parents, will promote their studies to get ahead. On the other hand, some students can have rights not to waste time on courses dislike or relatively useless for them, in another word, they can spend more time on favorite courses or fields in order to be more professional.

However, there are differences between meeting interests and accepting all the unreasonable requires. The role of teachers is still of great importance, who should help students distinguish the right and wrong needs, rational and irrational interests. Beside that, many students may have a vague opinion on their future or their needs, according to which, it is unrealistic to meet their interests and needs. For that, teachers can lead them to think by themselves, and sooner or later they can have independent view on life and future. Then it is still needed to satisfy the needs and interests.

To sum up, the classroom should be a enjoyable place rather than a dull one. It is the rational kingdom full of freedom just like air, in which students can be respected and have the right to choose. They should never be the followers but the conquerors. What the teachers and educators can offer is the right direction and the free air. The individual needs and interests, as a strong horse, will carry them to the successful goal.

[ 本帖最后由 lilumilu 于 2008-1-10 20:36 编辑 ]

lovexxnuUID: 2376964

明天改， 大概看了下 ms不是很差 ：）

Northeast-WindUID: 2408896

From the argument above, the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States recommends that the stores should stop stocking the imported cheese and lay stress（是否用词比较重） on stocking domestic cheeses in order to improve profits. To support his recommendation, the arguer cites two facts: one is the five best-selling cheeses were all domestic cheddar cheesed while another is a recent survey indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses. However, these facts lack strong support to the recommendation with further scrutiny of them.

A gratuitous assumption upon which the recommendation relies is that a decreasing number on expenses is necessarily due to an increasing number on profits, on which many other factors need to include.（这个观点和这个句子我感觉都挺好的） As a basic fact, the improvement on incomes is equal with the reduction in expenses as contribution to the whole profits. No evidence on the sale of cheese are（is） given and perhaps the stores have a bad performance on incomes, therefore enhancing sale on cheese may be the most effective way for profits. Some information about profit on different kinds of cheeses also need providing while(如果您想说“不同奶酪的销售利润信息需要被提供，否则会有……的情况”的话，我感觉这个衔接不是很顺) discontinue importing cheese may lead to a reduction on profits if the profits on imported cheese are greater than on domestic.

Secondly, the evidence is lack of forceful support on the recommendation. The fact that five best-selling cheeses are domestic cheeses in Wisconsin（题目中的意思是Wisconsin生产的奶酪，应该From，如果我没有理解错的话） is not due to that the whole sales of domestic cheeses are better than imported cheeses. Even assuming the better performance of domestic cheeses on sale in Wisconsin, it is insufficient to draw the same conclusion in the nation since Wisconsin might be not representative of most other states in the United States. The survey by Cheeses of the World magazine also has few of creditability on this issue while the respondents, who subscribe to this magazine, may be not representative the overall group of cheese consumers.

To sum up, the recommendation is not creditable as it stands since the arguer fails to provide sufficient evidence to bolster the conclusion. To strengthen it, some more proofs and surveys on the sales in all the stores and attitude of consumers toward the domestic cheese all round the nation should be provided. Before making a final decision, all the factors and alternatives need to be considered carefully and prudently.

我认为第一个观点的反驳挺好，但是第二个观点中包括了若干个可以独立成段进行反驳的攻击点，所以将他们放在一个段落中就会使反驳不能够充分，并且，论证过程只有两段（即管有充实的内容）未免使结构上显得不舒服，为什么不将第二点论述分成两段进行充分反驳呢。我也才写过一次（这次的作业），没有经验，不知道说的对不对。
这次没有给我分搭档，劳驾您回拍一下我啊

[ 本帖最后由 Northeast-Wind 于 2008-1-11 00:12 编辑 ]

lilumiluUID: 2332310

谢谢，我英语很土，写作连土都说不上

lilumiluUID: 2332310

谢谢，两个语法错误虚心接受，那个句子是我抄来的。。。。。

至于第二个观点为什么不分开来，还是我觉得没能更多得批驳，所以为了避免分成两段更加单薄，就合成了一段。

另外，我这就去拍你的，:) :handshake

liuchun1987UID: 2398171

From the argument above, the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States recommends that the stores should stop stocking the imported cheese and lay stress on stocking domestic cheeses in order to improve profits. To support his recommendation, the arguer cites two facts: one is the five best-selling cheeses were all domestic cheddar cheesed while another is a recent survey indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses. However, these facts lack strong support to the recommendation with further scrutiny of them.（第一段概括性很强，而且抓住了几个要点，也很连贯，很赞~）

A gratuitous assumption upon which the recommendation relies is that a decreasing number on expenses is necessarily due to an increasing number on profits, on which many other factors need to include. As a basic fact, the improvement on incomes is equal with the reduction in expenses on contribution to the whole profits. No evidence on the sale of cheese are given and perhaps the stores have a bad performance on incomes, therefore enhancing sale on cheese may be the most effective way for profits. Some information about profit on different kinds of cheeses also need providing while discontinue importing cheese may lead to a reduction on profits if the profits on imported cheese are greater than on domestic.（首先，这段批驳了两个典型错误，一段批两点就难免会有一点不全面，其实第二点different kinds of cheeses 可以展开批驳另起一段批驳。其次，第一点的批驳感觉不充分，主要是没有完整的逻辑。在第三句话之后可以再说因为缺少证据证明，所以这个方法并不是最好的之类。几乎没有逻辑指示词，其实在A里，逻辑指示词是不可缺少的，可以让逻辑关系一目了然。）

Secondly, the evidence is lack of forceful support on the recommendation.（TS不好，没有指名具体的支持哪个的evidence）（第二句前加个perhaps吧，这只是你反驳它的一种可能性） The fact that five best-selling cheeses are domestic cheeses in Wisconsin is not due to that the whole sales of domestic cheeses are better than imported cheeses.（because） Even assuming the better performance of domestic cheeses on sale in Wisconsin, it is insufficient to draw the same conclusion in the nation since Wisconsin might be not representative of most other states in the United States. The survey by Cheeses of the World magazine also has few of creditability on this issue while the respondents, who subscribe to this magazine, may be not representative the overall group of cheese consumers. （这个也可以另外论证）

To sum up, the recommendation is not creditable as it stands since the arguer fails to provide sufficient evidence to bolster the conclusion. To strengthen it, some more proofs and surveys on the sales in all the stores and attitude of consumers toward the domestic cheese all round the nation should be provided. Before making a final decision, all the factors and alternatives need to be considered carefully and prudently.
总体来说，字数较少，主要原因是找到了错误却没有展开论述，展开论述的观点又不够完整。逻辑关系不够清楚，主要是缺少逻辑指示词（because，so等）和段首句的提示作用。

语言方面由于个人的水平问题，没有纠正，望见谅。

[ 本帖最后由 liuchun1987 于 2008-1-11 16:19 编辑 ]

lovexxnuUID: 2376964

As an popular saying(感觉用这句的不多,换个说法好些), the interest is the best teacher, which also emphasizes the important role interests playing on learning(这个从句是修饰saying的吗?应该是修饰整个句子的,感觉句子成分好象有问题,不过不确定哦). There is no doubt that the needs and interests should(为什么用should?) promote the learning efficiency of students. According to that, the authorities of education are supposed to offer curricula to  meet the individual needs and interests of students, as well as teachers and parents should change their old fashion of education and pay more attentions on the needs and interests of children, which were overlooked in the past.
第一段中,观点是全面赞成
With an old perspective on education, people, including the students, tend to opine that teachers are in the position of authority and what students need to do is to absorb the offered information passively. Because of the asymmetrical and unbalanced relationship between teachers and students, the later one has little choice in classroom leading to(语法问题,leading to的主语是前面整句吧,如果是就不该用doing) the unpleasant association with courses. Furthermore, it is no doubt that the impassive attitude should(would) obstruct the progress on work. In addition, students' idealities and future expectation can not be respected when their requires(requirements) on interests are unsatisfactory(unsatisfied). It is the purpose of education to offer students knowledge, methods, values, creativities and, the most important, to cultivate personality of the individual. Obviously, the various kinds of needs and interests reveal the various personalities, which claim respects. If all the children are educated by the same way, there are no more personalities and creativities.(这个例子写的不够深入略显牵强) On one side, we even can consider the education work ineffectively without meeting students' interests.
缺少TS,第二个例子有些牵强,其他的还可以

It is time to transform the unequal relationship between students and teachers in order to centralize students. When it comes true(wehn用的不对吧), the primary thing is to respect students' needs and interests. The strong drive from students' needs or interests, which is much more powerful than the advice from teachers or parents, will promote their studies to get ahead(get ahead多余了吧). On the other hand(应该和on the one hand连用,不要单独使用), some students can have rights not to waste time on courses dislike or relatively useless for them, in another word, they can spend more time on favorite courses or fields in order to be more professional.
这段和前面那段重复了吧, 而且同样没有TS,或者说TS不能引领整段,是败笔, 显得思路不清晰

However, there are differences between meeting interests and accepting all the unreasonable requires. The role of teachers is still of great importance, who should help students distinguish the right and wrong needs, rational and irrational interests(定语放到teacher后面好些). Beside that, many students may have a vague opinion on their future or their needs, according to which, it is unrealistic to meet their interests and needs. For that, teachers can lead them to think by themselves, and sooner or later they can have independent view on life and future. Then it is still needed to satisfy the needs and interests.
这段是让步,但是在第一段的观点中没有体现出来,
To sum up, the classroom should be a enjoyable place rather than a dull one(前面没有提到). It is the rational kingdom full of freedom just like air, in which students can be respected and have the right to choose. They should never be the followers but the conquerors. What the teachers and educators can offer is the right direction and the free air. The individual needs and interests, as a strong horse, will carry them to the successful goal(s).

1,第一段写的过于圆满,没有体现出后面的让步,与后面观点不一致.
2, 体现interests的重要性的两段重复,而且思路狭窄没有展开,始终只围绕一点来写,不够开阔
3, 各段TS都不好,或者没有或者不能引领段落
4, 思路还不够清晰,有点想到什么写什么的感觉
5, 句子有些地方不够通畅,说语法错误也不至于,但有些不自然

整体还不错,加强一下会有更大的提高.

lovexxnuUID: 2376964

晕，A的怎么也都发这了，
我还以为是我搞错地方了呢，汗啊，

　:funk: 　　

lilumiluUID: 2332310

收到，:)
很有启发，谢谢:handshake

Northeast-WindUID: 2408896

As an（a） popular saying, the interest is the best teacher, which also emphasizes the important role interests playing on learning.（好像不对劲） There is no doubt that the needs and interests should promote the learning efficiency of students. According to that, the authorities（为什么要用这个，别扭） of education are supposed to offer curricula to  meet the individual needs and interests of students(这个是多余的) , as well as teachers and parents should change their old fashion of education and pay more attentions on the needs and interests of children, which were overlooked in the past.

With an old perspective on education, people, including the students, tend to opine that teachers are in the position of authority and what students need to do is to absorb the offered information passively. Because of the asymmetrical and unbalanced relationship between teachers and students, the later one has little choice in classroom leading to the unpleasant association with courses（这一句话意思是不是反了，双重否定等于肯定，little+uppleasant）. Furthermore, it is no doubt that the impassive attitude should obstruct the progress on work. In addition, students' idealities and future expectation can not be respected when their requires(-ment) on interests are unsatisfactory. It is the purpose of education to offer students knowledge, methods, values, creativities and, the most important, to cultivate personality of the individual. Obviously, the various kinds of needs and interests reveal the various personalities, which claim respects. If all the children are educated by the same way, there are no more personalities and creativities. On one side, we even can consider the education work ineffectively without meeting students' interests.

It is time to transform the unequal relationship between students and teachers in order to centralize students. When it comes true, the primary thing is to respect students' needs and interests. The strong drive from students' needs or interests, which is much more powerful than the advice from teachers or parents, will promote their studies to get ahead. On the other hand, some students can have rights not to waste time on courses dislike or relatively useless for them, in another word, they can spend more time on favorite courses or fields in order to be more professional.However, there are differences between meeting interests and accepting all the unreasonable requires. The role of teachers is still of great importance, who should help students distinguish the right and wrong needs, rational and irrational interests. Beside that, many students may have a vague opinion on their future or their needs, according to which, it is unrealistic to meet their interests and needs. For that, teachers can lead them to think by themselves, and sooner or later they can have independent view on life and future. Then it is still needed to satisfy the needs and interests.

To sum up, the classroom should be a enjoyable place rather than a dull one.（sum up后面应该紧跟你总结的观点才是，怎么说了一句无关痛痒的话，尽管与你的观点也有关系，但是作为全文最后的总结，略显随意） It is the rational kingdom full of freedom just like air, in which students can be respected and have the right to choose. They should never be the followers but the conquerors. What the teachers and educators can offer is the right direction and the free air. The individual needs and interests, as a strong horse, will carry them to the successful goal
第一段中你的立场略显绝对，这使得你的论述很费力，甚至费力也不讨好。另外，你过于注重“满足个人需要和兴趣”，没有注意到对题目中“only when specifically designed to”,我觉得这是很重要的。因为题目主要就是讨论通过什么手段而使教育有效，不光要看到满足个人兴趣，还要看到如何满足个人兴趣。而这一点，你的文章中恰恰没有分析。
中间的两段论证是重复的。始终在围绕一个主题句说。
第四段的让步并没有在首段有所暗示，会显得自己推翻自己。而且，即便让步成立，该段后面的论述好像和第一个主题句没有太大关系。不符合逻辑，声东击西。
最后一段的问题写在段落中了

[ 本帖最后由 Northeast-Wind 于 2008-1-12 01:24 编辑 ]

lilumiluUID: 2332310

感谢lovexxnu和东北风同学的回复，最主要的收获：
1，思路不够开阔，只围绕一点讲
2，ts不够好
以后加油。