请大家帮我改改第二篇作文吧，用了一个小时写的

kenmyUID：2464798

  Heard about that a new high school might be built in our community, I feel delighted, and I wholeheartedly support this brilliant idea. Since there are only 3 high schools in our community, which can not afford to admit all or even most of adolescences in our community, a new high school seems very important to our community’s development.
     As everybody knows, high school education is very essential for everyone. First of all, it’s the best and easiest way to go to college, for you can devote all your time into study in high school, you have a lot of time to prepare for the entrance exam for college. Secondly, the knowledge learned from high school is really valuable, they are all fundamental knowledge for every subject, like mathematics, chemistry, physics, biology, history, on one hand, these knowledge can build a good fundament for your college studying, on the other hand, it’s also good for you for your future development no matter what career you take.
Although everybody knows the importance, there are only a few students can go to our community’s high school. Because the only 3 high school can not hold 30000 students at the right age of high school, there are only a few fortune students can go to these 3 high school. Some people take no choice but go to other areas for schooling, which has a lot of disadvantages. For example, they has to be far away from home to take care of themselves alone, they will feel lonely, they must handle everything on their own which is difficult for such young people, and they must spend much time on traveling from home and school, which is a totally waste. Also , they live so far away from home, for some people , they can gradually learn to how to be independent, somehow, there also exist some people , they are not good at controlling themselves without parents’ supervision, they might be obsessed at computer games, and learned something that high school students should not master. If a new high school is built in our community, many of these problems can be solved.
All that mentioned above is just about the students who go away for study, in our community, for the sake of limited number of high school, some students don’t go to school anymore. Some of them chased for low-salary job. And sadder thing is that many unemployed youth might be tempted to do commit crime for life, like stealing, robbing, and selling drugs, Which is harmful to the development of both young people and community.
For the reason that mentioned above, building a new high school is beneficial to our community, it can rise the average educational level of our community, help the youth’s development, that equals our society’s development

[ 本帖最后由 hyacinth 于 2008-4-21 22:41 编辑 ]

kenmyUID：2464798

请大家提提意见吧
我好改正 再练啊
上次有同学帮我改的 我自己觉得进步很大了

kenmyUID：2464798

？

hyacinthUID：2184492

版上有互助小组其实可以参加,作文的交流是双方面的嘛 :)

我也有专门修改作文的铺子,你前面还有好几个人,我帮你改的话,可能也还要等上好几天.

虽然你才刚开始写,练习的时间最好是递减的,而且间隔一般不要太长,一周内最好可以出一篇.你看看怎么调整下.:)

SavileRowUID：2284947

1第二段中用you来提出论述，感觉不大好，用第三人称可能好些。而且这段中写高中学习对学生的重要作用感觉没有展开足够，可以每一个分论点稍微多写一句话，而不是每个分论点就一句话带过。毕竟正面论点需要有分量。
2第三段的论述结构最完整。观点--例子--收尾，这样论证有力量。美中不足是如果在第一句话点出很多人不能上高中是“因为学校太少”，那么这个论点信息更完整。
3第四段的主旨句不明确，最好是直接写“没能上高中的年轻人受到负面问题困扰”
4从语言上说，有些短语重复了。比如第三段开头的两个there are

kenmyUID：2464798

谢谢了哈 改正了再写 加油

SavileRowUID：2284947

原帖由 kenmy 于 2008-4-23 20:27 发表
谢谢了哈 改正了再写 加油

还有其他文章也可以贴上来吧
反正我考完了，就算是回馈给gter了：）