(求拍) 请大家帮我修改

凡间的雨UID: 2133729

task 1的作文，第一次发作文，有什么不对的地方请多见谅
剑2的test 2   
       the chart shows the amount of leisure time enjoyed by men and women of different
employment status.
    employers,  according to different sorts of employment status, are grouped into five
categories. they are employed full-time, employed part-time, unemployed,retired
and housewives. firstly, we need focus on employed part-time group and housewives  
group. in those two groups, leisure time of males is zero. the zero of housewives is
easy to understand, but the group of employed part-time need us do detailed survey.
now ,we are moving to other three groups. from the chart, we can know, definitely,
males use more hours than females in leisure time , almost 10 hours ,every group.and
this chart also reveals people of unemployed group use the most hours in leisure time ,
followed by the group of retired, which use almost same time as unemployed group, just one or two hours fewer.

H-KevinUID: 2182070

最好不要等待别人主动给你修改作文
建议你先修改论坛上别人的作文
然后把自己的作文链接留下
给对方互改
如果你不愿意修改别人的作文，别人可能也有同样的想法
一份耕耘一份收获
强调互改，不是被动接受  :)

建议和这个互改： https://bbs.gter.net/thread-829180-1-1.html

yuyang1shiUID: 2486386

the chart(没看到题，如果题目中用chart,你可以用figure) shows (加个that就看出后面的问题了)the amount of leisure time (这里是被动语态吧？was)enjoyed by men and women of different
employment status.
    employers,  according to different sorts of employment status, are grouped（觉得classfield更地道，似乎是这么写的) into five
categories. they are employed full-time, employed part-time, unemployed,retired and housewives.(联系上文，我觉得这个介绍根绝“他们被分成5类”，用这样的表达似乎更好，They are full-time work, ......不过我不确定你用被动语态在考试中是否更能体现水平引起考官注意？）firstly, we need （加个to）focus on employed（介词后用动名词或者名词，所以用empolying好） part-time group and housewives  group（略显重复，我觉得用the group of part-time workers and housewifs更好). in those(these) two groups,
leisure time of males is zero. (In addition 或者In anoher side,) the zero (entertainment time )of housewives is easy to understand, but the group of employed part-time(不太通顺啊，改成the part-time empolye group )need us do detailed survey(research更地道). now ,we are moving to other three groups. from the chart, we can know, definitely, males use more hours than females in leisure time , almost 10 hours ,every group.and this chart also reveals people of unemployed group use the most hours in leisure
time ,followed by the group of retired, which use almost same time as unemployed group, just one or two hours fewer.

[ 本帖最后由 yuyang1shi 于 2008-4-24 21:27 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

谢谢楼上:)