我不太会写这个题目 希望高手修改

封硕UID: 2409766

185. you have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. which would you choose to buy? give specific reasons to explain your choice.

If I had enough money to purchase a house or a business, I surely prefer to buy a business. In my opinion, it is a really sagacious choice. I would illustrate my decision in the following paragraphs.
  No doubts, a business with relatively scientific management can bring you some profits, superfacially speaking, money. By running a business, you maybe could get more and more money and use these money to by more superb houses in not only your city, but also some other famous metropolises. Your desire to house can be meeted further. Oppositely, there seems to be no house can help its hosts earn money. And each architecture has its own lifespan, in other words, the value of a house will decrease with its age growth.
  Furthermore, a business also can give you many new valuable experiences that cannot be obtained in a luxurious shelter. During your running, you have to pick up many economical and managerial kownledge, equally, some necessary communication skills in order to deal with the problems that you may encounter. When you manage a business, you must face many agents, dealers and brokers. So many people will kown you and your relationship net could be more vast, complicated and substantial. It is also pretty siginificant in the modern time, and a pure house never give you.
  Admittedly,  purchasing a house still have some unique and special advantages. The value of a house is more steady. There is no need to consider the risks day by day. And you can enjoy a peaceful and comfortable life.
  To sum up, although purchasing a house has some advantages, the advantages of purchasing a business are more than these of purchasing a house. Because purchasing a business fits more of us in two ways, purchasing a business can bring you more money, and give you experiences and vast relationship net. Consequently, I decide to buy a business.

封硕UID: 2409766

waiting....

hyacinthUID: 2184492

要学会利用网络资源啊 :o
看我的签名 :rolleyes:

封硕UID: 2409766

什么叫看你的签名？

豆豆～UID: 2378384

她的签名里面有个作文修改铺，你打开看看就知道了:)

hyacinthUID: 2184492

If I had enough money to purchase a house or a business, I surely prefer to buy a business. In my opinion, it is a really sagacious choice. I would illustrate my decision in the following paragraphs.

No doubts, a business with relatively scientific management [scientific management好抽象啊] can bring you some profits, superfacially [→superficially] speaking, money. By running a business, you maybe [maybe放在这里读的不是很通] could get more and more money and use these money to by more superb houses in not only your city, but also some other famous metropolises. Your desire to house can be meeted[→met] further [这句话看得不懂.改一改]. Oppositely, there seems to be no house can help its hosts earn money. And each architecture [虽然在中文里建筑可以统称所有的建筑物,但architecture没有这个意思,它不能指代具体的房屋等] has its own lifespan, in other words, the value of a house will decrease with its age growth. [in other words不是连词,所以你这里第一个句子后要么用句号,要么用分号.]

Furthermore, a business also can[→can also] give you many new valuable experiences that cannot be obtained in a luxurious shelter. During your running, you have to pick up many economical and managerial kownledge[→knowledge], equally, some necessary communication skills in order to deal with the problems that you may encounter. When you manage a business, you must face many agents, dealers and brokers. So many people will kown [know] you and your relationship net could be more vast, complicated and substantial. It is also pretty [pretty和really一样都比较口语化,能不用就尽量不用.]siginificant [→significant] in the modern time, and a pure house never give you.

Admittedly, purchasing a house still have [→has] some unique and special advantages. The value of a house is more steady[→steadier]. There is no need to consider the risks day by day. And [and是连词,不要用在开头] you can enjoy a peaceful and comfortable life.

To sum up, although purchasing a house has some advantages, the advantages of purchasing a business are more than these of purchasing a house. Because purchasing a business fits more of us in two ways [这半句的tone和后面的不搭,读着也不是很通畅,而且因果关系也不很明确,最好能重写.], purchasing a business can bring you more money, and give you experiences and vast relationship net. Consequently, I decide to buy a business.

结构就是这么个结构,你可以先按照模板练习着.文章的elaboration不够.需要补充些例子.没有论据的文章是不能令人信服的.等文章的内容能写丰满了,再考虑用自己的模板.
好在词汇量比较丰富. 平时阅读的时候也可以多留点心,碰到好的句子和表达多积累一些.
你文章里还有不少语法错误和拼写错误,所以写完作文以后一定要能留些时间检查.
上升的空间很大~~加油~~

不明白你说的不会写是指什么,不过我们可以继续交流~~呵呵

封硕UID: 2409766

怎么加例子呢？我不是很会举例。请指点。感谢你的批阅。

hyacinthUID: 2184492

这篇文章是不太怎么好举例子. 不过好在T的写作不需要名人典故的例子, 就像很多版友所形容的,用生活中的例子就可以了.

拿你PARA3里所提到的running business会带给我们很多有价值的经验来说. 你可以把你用的you , your全换成具体的某一个人,可以是你,也可以是你的同学/朋友/亲戚. 让some necessary communication skills从某一个特定的事件里体现出现. 综上所述,可以得到这样一个情景,XX在开公司时,遇到了一件XX事/问题,XX是如何解决的,XX最后得到了什么样的经验教训(假设XX学会了如何和人相处). 如果XX没有purchase a business,XX就不能得到这样的经历和成长.
这就是Be specific.:)

当然specific完了,要记得转回到你的观点上来. ;)