作文求拍

ludywuydUID: 2441753

开始写作了，这是第一篇，请热心人士多多指教
19. Should governments spend more money on improving roads and highways, or should governments spend more money on improving public transportation (buses, trains, subways)? Why? Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.  
In recent years, the population of our country is increasing rapidly. And so, the transportation is become more and more crowd. It is important for the government to make some effort to improve the transport system. But there is a general discussion regarding a policy--should the government spend more money to improving the roads and highways? Or should they spend more money on improving public transportation, such as buses, trains, and subways? As far as I concerned, may be there was one or two advantage to spend more money to reform the roads and highways; however, there are far more advantages to satisfy the public transportation.
    I support to patronize more funds on the public transportation condition. Nowadays, people transportation becomes more frequent. People move from village to the city, or between city and city, or from town to town, etc. this result the accounts of passengers grow rapidly. But our trains and buses are as the same as past that they can not carry so many people. You can see that almost every train is overloaded. For instance, a train chamber which was supposed to carry 100 persons gets 200 passengers in all the time, a bus which supposed to have 50 travellers is now have 100 passengers in it. Our public transport situation is so severe now that the government is obliged to improve it as soon as possible.
  The government should devote more money on the public traffic. As the result of the crowded condition in public traffic, people in our country don't like to travel any more. It affects the tourism business seriously. When vacation time comes, every one will stay at home watching TV, playing computer etc. This is harmful for our health. And also, our knowledge get narrow because we don't know what the outside world is if we don't have a tour. Thus, if the bus, the train become more comfort, we will inclined to travel around, it will extraordinary stimulate the tourism business and people in our country will be more knowledgeable.
   Do the roads and the highways needed to be improve? Of course it does, but from what have been discussed above, I view that the most serious problem in our country is public transportation. So in my opinion the government should spend more refunds on buying more public buses, trains. Only through this the people in our country can have a good journey, and then they can work hard on the work time. It is so meaningful for our country’s development.

hyacinthUID: 2184492

In recent years, the population of our country is increasing rapidly. And so [and是连词, 通常连接两个并列结构,不要用在开头], the transportation [traffic] is become [→becoming. only ONE verb in a sentence, ok?] more and more crowd [→crowded. crowd是noun]. It is important for the government to make some effort to improve the transport system. But there is a general discussion regarding [你原文在这里用了粗体是表示不确定用法吗? 在这里可以用over.] a policy--should the government spend more money to improving [→improve] the roads and highways? Or should they spend more money on improving public transportation, such as buses, trains, and subways? As far as I [^am] concerned, may be there was [→is] one or two advantage[^s] to spend more money to reform [reform的一般是说法律,制度等比较多.在这里还是用improve, 或者refurbish] the roads and highways; however, there are far more advantages to satisfy the public transportation [satisfy一般不这样用].

I support to patronize more funds on the public transportation condition [patronize用在这里不妥.然后是谁出钱也没有说,在这里应该是government,要明确的说出来. ]. Nowadays, people transportation [you mean public transportation?] becomes more frequent. People move from village to the city, or between city and city, or from town to town, etc. this [首字母要大写] result [→results] the accounts of passengers grow rapidly [同样的,一句话里只能有一个谓语动词.而且你这句话我看得不是很懂]. But our trains and buses are as the same as past that they can not carry so many people [这一句在你原有的基础上,我调整了下顺序.But the fact that our trains and buses which still cannot carry so many people is the same as the past]. You[→We.文章中的TONE要一致.] can see that almost every train is overloaded. For instance, a train chamber which was[→is. 这里没有必要用过去式] supposed to carry 100 persons gets 200 passengers in all the time, a bus which [^is] supposed to have 50 travellers is now have [having] 100 passengers in it. Our public transport situation is so severe now that the government is obliged to improve it as soon as possible. [超载的问题吧, 我觉得还是跟中国人口多有关系,与车子本身容量关系不很大.:rolleyes: ]

The government should devote more money on the public traffic. As the [^a] result of the crowded condition in public traffic, people in our country don't [do not. NO abbreviation.] like to travel any more. It affects the tourism business seriously. When vacation time comes, every one will stay at home watching TV, playing computer etc. This is harmful for our health. And also, our knowledge get narrow [知识有限可以用limited] because we don't know what the outside world is if we don't have a tour.[这个例子个人觉得欠妥. 现在有很多介绍各地人文风情的TV program, 互联网就更不用说了.另外我觉得通常所说的public transportation跟旅游貌似没什么联系. 去外地旅游的人是走高速的,而且即使他们在城市进行游玩,也会有专车,很少会乘公共巴士] Thus, if the bus, the train become more comfort [comfortable], we will [^be] inclined to travel around, it [→which] will extraordinary [→extraordinarily] stimulate the tourism business and people in our country will be more knowledgeable.

Do the roads and the highways needed [→need] to be improve[→improvement]? Of course it does [they do. 你指代的是roads and highways], but from what have been discussed above, I view that the most serious problem in our country is public transportation. So in my opinion the government should spend more refunds [refunds是指退款] on buying more public buses, trains. Only through this the [删去] people in our country can have a good journey, and then they can work hard on the work time [前文基本上没有提到这个,在结尾的时候突然来一句着实让人觉得有些牵强]. It is so meaningful for our country’s development.

英文写作开头不用空两格,倒是段落与段落间空出一行比较常见. 这个我帮你调了一下.

全文的结构没有大问题,我倒是很高兴没有在你的文章里嗅到模板的气味.;d: :o

语法将会成为你拿高分的绊脚石.  个人一直觉得语法是一个英语习惯问题.留意到自己的一些具体语病以后,以后每次写作前若能提醒自己,一点一点硬逼着自己改,不信改不掉它.所以不要觉得语法是遗留问题,解决不了.要对自己有信心.:cool:

还有,虽然说没有错误就不能提高, 但是考场上没有把握的单词一定不要用.能在自己现有的词汇量水平上,把自己的观点表达清楚,本身就是一种英语写作能力的体现. 我的建议是,平时练习的时候也不要用,但是自己总结的时候可以想想,哪些词可以用新词替换,哪些表达可以更地道点.

再然后就是你的观点和例子问题,我觉得不是很恰当, 导致整篇文章逻辑性不是很强,说服力不够.

建议重写这篇文章. 把相关的语法弄清楚.重新找论点. 不过其实这个题目我觉得还满棘手的,起码在我看来,修highways和public transportation没多大区别. 下次选择题目的时候可以看看作文的JJ, 个人觉得185对iBT独立写作的参考意义不大.

en,这是你的第一篇文章,不要着急,慢慢来, 一步一步走扎实了, 加油! ;d:

ludywuydUID: 2441753

感激之情无法言表，所给建议铭记于心。我一定fighting fighting再fighting。
语法一直是我的弱项，最近开始看语法书了，写作文的时候也是想到什么写什么，想怎么用词就怎么用词，从来不管对错，your words is  to me what rain is to the drought , thank you very much.