第一篇作文，请大家猛拍啊！感激不尽！

nbdxkfqUID: 2427134

When we take a look of （我记得是take a look at + 名词）the leader groups（这里我也有疑惑，leader是名词，group也是名词，不知道能不能连在一起，如果楼主确定能这样用的话告诉我下，谢谢） of most companies in our society, it is very obviously that male staff have dominated the leader groups. For this phenomenon, different people hold opposite opinions. Some are strongly against the unfair situation and call for more opportunities for women. But on the other hand（貌似on the other hand已经有转折的意思了，前面再加but我觉得没有必要了）, some people think it （貌似要加 is）necessary to divide the work in society and men are much more suitable than women to be the leaders. In my opinion, giving some places for women will benefit both women and also（这里加also貌似有点不太通顺，also的意思与both…and…重复了） the whole society.
Normally, people will worry that women are not strong enough in character and consequently not suitable for the high level job（后面一个地方用的是jobs，不知道这里是否需要统一？）. However, with the development of the world, more and more women have proved their ability to occupy high level jobs. Some presidents or ministers of countries, for example, are women. （这里单独用一个句子做例子，我感觉不是很顺畅，是否可以考虑放到商一个句子里，这样感觉起来条理比较清楚一点）To judge whether a person is suitable for a job, we should concern the ability, the character and the point of view rather than gender. Also（这里用also貌似有点不太通，应该可以换一个更好的词，我觉得also更适合用在句子里面的连接，句子开通我觉得可以用其他的词，就好像句子开头一般没有用and一样）, having a mind-set that women are weaker than men would be totally unfair.

Another advantage for women to get the high level jobs is we can obtain different kinds of view in some issues. Due to different way of thinking and， of course，（这里加两个逗号我觉得能使句子结构更佳清晰，一看就知道of course是做插入的，楼主觉得呢？） different experiences, women will tend to deliver some solution concerning the right of women. Therefore, the policies or the solutions will surely satisfy the majority of the public since we have integrated all points of view together.
In conclusion, women should obtain more opportunities for high level jobs to benefit the public. But I don’t think it necessary to reserve some places for women because fair competition should be satisfied in order to select the most valuable staff.


由于我也是5.5的水平,所以不能保证都是对的,这些只是我个人的感觉,也没有进行修改,只是自己觉得不太通顺的地方给楼主提个意见,楼主可在斟酌一下

祝楼主作文越来越强~~~~~

lianzi1981UID: 2467765

一些个人意见哦，可能不妥当：
开头不是非常简洁，最好简洁明了的切入主题
中间论证应更条理清晰，结尾很好
一些小问题：  A look at
                     Leader groups
                     But on the other hand  :  on the contrary
                     both women and the whole society.