新手抛篇文章，请求指教

SHENSHI316UID: 2464966

C5T2
In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.
Discuss the advs and disadvs for young people who decide to do this.

Every so often individual development , particularly in the glorious stage after finishing high

school  and before beginning university courses ,hits common people with doubt whether

continuous education plays so significant role in young people’s life , which give rise to new topic

that during that hot summer vocation which is wiser between having a trip and furthering

academic research .

The benefits of travelling seem to overweigh that of going the school as soon as possible . For one

thing , you will meet the first crucial choice ,major largely suitable for you , if you have the

fortune to enter into college ,but how come to make your mind provided that you even never get

touched with any experience ? For another ,it will be your fist time to live away from your

familiar environment ,your dear parents your close friend and so on ,would just recede into

landscapes of memory which can never be turned protection to ,  then all the feeling of upset and

lonely etc. will struck you , which may be that reason you have to need social stage to go through

that setbacks.

But if you want to find the advantages of rejecting interval instead of enjoying yourself ,you

shouldn’t go very far. First of all , ,it is necessary to regard study as successive process which

would be collapse by a bit of interruption  , young man would not bear in mind little information

learnt in high school classes after losing books for ages .In addition ,for certain areas and

colleges ,they won’t offer access of obtaining acknowledge in front of blackboard again when

students ever gave the opportunity up

.It is not an easy task to make decision between both . It is the best way –at least seems to me – sharing that short vocation to work and play between finishing high school and starting university

studies . If it can’t be ,the choice of work would take dominant at the thought of mine .because

you can study throughout experience ,but you can never experience throughout study .

forbeckUID: 2297645

up~~`

艾惟UID: 2502625

也是新手，没那个能力评价，帮顶吧！！

flyinglife2002UID: 28027

1、一个句子的结构过长，结果是你没有把握住基本结构，如：it will be your fist time to live away from your familiar environment ,your dear parents your close friend and so on ,would （这里无主语）just recede into 。
2、句子之间的连接词缺乏逻辑关系First of all , ,it is necessary to regard study as successive process which would be collapse by a bit of interruption  , young man would not bear in mind little information learnt in high school classes after losing books for ages .
3、表达意思不明确，结论部分你到底在支持哪一个观点？

forbeckUID: 2297645

谢谢楼上斑斑:)

楼主可以再修改修改，然后再作修改~~