超越自我小组~issue7 第三天...

啊拉UID: 2527432

Early than 2000 years ago, the brilliant Chinese people kept the words on the pieces of bamboo. So the written records exist more than thousands of years because of its convenience and safety and widely used by almost every country. However, in today's technology exploding world, a new machine called video camera come to challenge the written records. The camera can be more accurate and convenient so someone even assert that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records. However, I believe each of the record ways has its merit; no one can speak it loudly that "I can live in a world without written records".

To begin with, I believe the standards of "important” for different people are always not the same. For example, a host of a TV show will surely thank to the video camera because it records his/her actions, words, and expressions. The host needs to express his/her image to the audience. So that us think what will happened if we choose newspaper to records the TV show. We will undoubtedly influenced by the author of the article and we will never hear the sounds and see the host's face.  So the video camera is important than written records in the host's mind.

However, if a journalist sees this topic, he/she will say strongly:"No". The news needs speed, accurate, and easy to be understood. Sometimes the journalist cannot have the video materials or the video materials are too large.
For example, if news’ article is "4-0, Japan's football team wins the game" most of us will soon understand the news is something about a football game and finally Japan wins. But if the same article appears in a TV show, the host may play a video to explain the whole game. It costs too many times and sometimes it is boring.

Indeed, the video camera has its advantages just like I mentioned it above. It can record all kinds of information you can see or hear. More and more people choose a video to keep the daily life but not keeping diary because they think the video can be more "accurate". But they will never remember there feelings that day if they only watch the video tape. So I believe both of video camera and written records need to be used to keep things.

写得好散...有点搞不清自己再讲什么了...回去看提纲...=.=

hyukiezhuUID: 2291070

Early than 2000 years ago, the brilliant Chinese people kept the words on the pieces of bamboo. So the written records exist more than thousands of years because of its convenience and safety and widely used by almost every country. However, in today's technology exploding world, a new machine called video camera come（s）to challenge the written records. The camera can be more accurate and convenient（，） so someone even assert that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records. However（不能再however了，前面已经有一个了，这里直接I believe就好了）, I believe each of the record ways（way） has its merit; no one can speak it loudly that "I can live in a world without written records".(语言很生动，我喜欢这样的开头，    也会抓住相信批卷人的）

To begin with, I believe the standards of "important” for（of） different people are always not the same. For example, a host of a TV show will surely thank to the video camera because it records his/her actions, words, and expressions. The host needs to express his/her image to the audience. So that (let) us think what will happened(happen) if we choose newspaper to records(record) the TV show. We will undoubtedly (be) influenced by the author of the article(,) and we will never hear the sounds and see the host's face.  (这里并没有写出来如果没有图像记录的不良后果，只是让读者去想，也没有进行分析，使文章结构不严谨，有因无果,没办法得出后面的结论)So the video camera is (more) important than written records in the host's mind.

However, if a journalist sees this topic, he/she will say strongly:"No"（:"No" strongly）. The news needs speed, accurate, and easy to be understood. Sometimes the journalist cannot have the video materials or the video materials are too large.
For example, if news’ article is "4-0, Japan's football team （football team of Japan 原有的表达不是不对，但是太过口语化）wins the game" most of us will soon understand （that） the news is something about a football game and finally Japan wins. But if the same article appears in a TV show, the host may play a video to explain the whole game. It costs too many times(time) and sometimes it(去掉) is boring.

Indeed, the video camera has its advantages just like I mentioned it（去掉） above. It can record all kinds of information you can see or hear. More and more people choose a video to keep the daily life but not（去掉，不用not也表转折） keeping diary because they think the video can be more "accurate". But they will never remember there（their） feelings that day if they only watch the video tape. So I believe both of video camera and written records need to be used to keep things.

1、        语言整体来讲比较口语化，和chiglish. 第一段用这样的语言作为引子很生动，但是论证过程中就显得不严谨。
2、        例子缺少分析，论点和例子之间没有分析就显得例子与文章内容的关系不够密切。
3、        文章内容假设性的比较多，多一些具体的例子，比如TV show，就可以写出具体是哪个show.

建议：
先以提高文章的逻辑性入手，让论证更加严密。

再提高语言质量，减少语法错误和用辞错误，积累些单词进行同义词替换， 比如think 这种比较口语的次就可以用很多次替换。

而不是追求突破某种套路或者与众不同，毕竟能写出没毛病的东西比写出有新意的东西对我们来说更重要。必要的时候还是要参考模板的，它们最起码可以使文章看起来比较有逻辑性。
新东方老师说至少两句话之后要有个表示逻辑的连接词，比如：moreover, in the other hand, nevertheless, etc.