帮小妹改改作文吧~~求助啊~~还有20天就考试了~~

宋鸿雁UID: 2556894

While young adults become more mature than years ago,majority of them have their own understanding about life.Depending on the personality style,personal experience and emotional concern ,a multitude amount of them want to be independent,in contrast,others prefer to live with their parents for a longer time.As far as I concerned,I posit that indepedence would be a pemier choice for the adolecent.Among the countless factors which influence my choice ,there are conspicuous aspects as follows.
The foremost reason for my propensity for the independence is that being out of the protection of the parents will actually practice our living skill.It can be given a concrete example,there are numorous sopheremore in my college and when I chat with them ,I surprisely found that a number of them could not cooking,doing cleaning and even tieing their shoes.What our society would be like if they keep their lives which are out of control a mass without the help got from the parents.
Another reason for my inclination is hat living without the hands of our parents would surely strenghthen our self-control,there are so many attemptations around our lives,for instance,the computer games ,the drugs make you high,the feeling of crazy when dancing in a bar with you friend you just are acquaited with.everyone is a good guy and nobody want to be degenerate,so your self-control will be pefectly enhanced at the time you reject these thing.
Admittly,it is true that staying with families would be safe and convenient,nevertheless,this alone will not consitute a sufficient support for living in the area where the family would take care of since its drawback overweigh the merits.
In a word, to choose living without families help or staying with that would really be a dilemma to the youth because they sometimes are comfused by the seemingly advantages of home and neglect the geniuely merits of indepence.Consequently,give the above reasons which would intertwine to form a organic whole and become much more persuasive a disscusion,it is sagacious to support the statement that it is better for being independent to the young adults.

宋鸿雁UID: 2556894

题目是some young adults wna independence from their parents as soon as posssible.Otheryoung adults prefer to live with their families for a long time.Which of these situation do you think is better?

dreamevoneUID: 2481479

While young adults become more mature than years ago,majority of them have their own understanding about life.(请告诉我第一句话想表达什么意思？尽管年轻人比起过去更加成熟，他们大多数都有自己的思想，这是什么逻辑呢？)

Depending on(依赖于。。好像不是很好) the personality style,personal experience and emotional concern ,a multitude amount of them want to be independent,in contrast,others prefer to live with their parents for a longer time.
(Owing to disparate personalities, personal experiences and emotional concerns, some young adultes desire to be independent whereas others, in contrast, prefer to live with their parents for a longer time.)

As far as I concerned,(漏了am哦)I posit that indepedence would be a pemier choice for the adolecent(should be adolescence).Among the countless factors which influence my choice ,there are conspicuous aspects as follows.
(As far as I am concerned, I believe that independence should be a better choice for the adolescence. Among those countless factors which influenced my choice, I'd like to list some rather conspicuous ones as follows.)

The foremost reason for my propensity for the independence is that being out of the protection of the parents will actually practice our living skill.(practice living skill 会不会有点奇怪？i am not sure)
(The foremost reason for my propensity for the independence is that, without the protection from parents, we could actually enhance our living skill.)

It can be given a concrete example,(这样的句法不太好啊)there are numorous sopheremore (两个单词都拼错了哦)in my college and when I chat with them ,I surprisely found that a number of them could not cooking,doing cleaning and even tieing their shoes.
I'd like to illustrate a concrete example, there are numerous sophoremore with whom sometimes I chat in my college , however, I surprisingly found that a number of them could not cook,clean or even tie their shoes.

What our society would be like if they keep their lives which are out of control a mass without the help got from the parents.(奇怪，你不是论证independence的重要吗？怎么这句话反而讲父母好呢？)
What our society would be like if they continue living their lives like a mass, hardly knowing that  a sense of indepence could help them to master certain living skill.

Another reason for my inclination is hat living without the hands of our parents would surely strenghthen our self-control,there are so many attemptations around our lives,for instance,the computer games ,the drugs make you high,the feeling of crazy when dancing in a bar with you friend you just are acquaited with.everyone is a good guy and nobody want to be degenerate,so your self-control will be pefectly enhanced at the time you reject these thing.(这一段讲离开父母可以更好地控制我们自己，讲了很多诱惑，然后总结只有抗拒了这些诱惑，自我控制的能力才会提高。好象逻辑有问题哦，难道离开父母就能更好的控制我们自己了？请论述。。。不知道你写英语的时候自己心里是怎么想的呢。。。)

Admittly,it is true that staying with families would be safe and convenient,nevertheless,this alone will not consitute a sufficient support for living in the area where the family would take care of since its drawback overweigh the meritsIn a word, to choose living without families help or staying with that would really be a dilemma to the youth because they sometimes are comfused by the seemingly advantages of home and neglect the geniuely merits of indepence.Consequently,give the above reasons which would intertwine to form a organic whole and become much more persuasive a disscusion,it is sagacious to support the statement that it is better for being independent to the young adults.

用了很多套用的句子哦，句型很丰富，但是内容感觉空洞了些些呵呵。感觉全篇都被一些无关紧要，和主题联系不紧，摸棱两可的句子给充满了呢。。。。
不要生气哦，我只是谈谈我的看法。也许ets喜欢
good luck to you

mpromanusUID: 2565872

While young adults become more mature than years ago,majority of them have their own understanding about life. (while用在句子起头的时候带转折，和although的意思类似，所以这个句子的逻辑不对) Depending on the personality style,personal experience and emotional concern ,a multitude amount number of them want to be independent,; in contrast,others prefer to live with their parents for a longer time.As far as I am concerned,I posit think that indepedence would be a premier (premier的意思是first in importance, 只有两个选择的就没什么好用的了，用better就可以了) choice for the adolecent.Among the countless (真的一定需要用这种明显夸大的词吗？) factors which influence my choice ,there are conspicuous aspects as follows.

The foremost reason for my propensity for the independence is that, being out of away from the protection of the parents will actually practice our living skills.It can be given a concrete example, (你在举例这是很明显的，不需要浪费这么多字数告诉读者.) For example, there are numerous sophoremores in my college. and When I chat with them (请注意选择逻辑更清楚的断句方式) ,I surprisely found, to my surprise, that a number of them could not cooking,doing cleaning and even tieing their shoes.(基本的语法请注意) What will our society would be like if they keep  living their lives which are out of control, in a mess without the help got from the parents? (So you are saying parents are better because parents help to control young people's lives? That sounds just opposite to what you're trying to argue for.既然没有父母这些小孩子的生活就一团糟，你不是反而在说明和父母住比较好吗？)

Another reason for my inclination is that living without the hands of our parents would surely strenghthen our self-control. There are so many attemptations temptations around in our lives,for instance,the computer games ,the drugs that make you high,the feeling of crazy feeling when dancing in a bar with your friends you just are acquainted with.Everyone is a good guy by nature and nobody wants to be degenerate,so your self-control will be pefectly enhanced at the time you reject these things. (True, but whether one is able to reject temptations doesn't have to do with whether he's living by himself or with parents. The argument in question is NOT how one should live.一个人是不是有自我控制的能力，是不是能够拒绝诱惑，跟他是否和父母住在一起没有必然关系。作文问题问的不是人应该怎么生活)

Admittly,it is true that staying with families would be safe and convenient. Nevertheless,this alone will not consitute a sufficient support for living in the area where the family would take care of their adult children, since its drawback overweigh the merits.

In a word, to choose living without families' help, or staying with them, would really be a dilemma to the youth because they sometimes are comfused by the seemingly apparent (不要把副词当形容词用) advantages of home and neglect the geniuely merits of indepence.Consequently,given the above reasons which would intertwine to form a organic whole and become much more persuasive in a disscusion (I don't see how this all came about, but I'll take it you used this from some template. 不是很确定这种看起来很美但没有用处的话是哪儿来的，不过估计是模板来的吧),it is sagacious to support the statement that it is better for being independent to for the young adults.

总结：

1. 基本的词法，特别是词性的区别。不要因为一个词的意思合适就不管什么词性地用。

2. 断句。很多地方有run-on sentence （没有以连词连接妥当的分句）。自身句法不够严谨的话，宁愿多分短句，要比写出很多错误的长句安全。

3. 词汇。词汇量是很好，但是高级词汇使用正确的比率不高。如果不确定要用的词的意思和用法，宁愿换一个简单的、会用的、能用对的词。托福作文的目标是让人看明白，不是让人看傻眼。

4. drifting（漂移）。

这个作文的问题是什么？问题概括来说是‘刚成年就离开父母好不好’，关键字是‘离开父母’。以第二段为例：离开父母可以锻炼生活技能 - （关键字变成‘生活技能’）我跟好多学生谈过，他们生活技能好差 - （关键词变成‘差’）这么差的小孩子将来到了社会上会变成什么样子？

希望这样讲你可以明白作文的漂移是一种什么样的问题。议论文的写作不只是下一句接着上一句往下写。写作者心里随时要明确地记住自己在每一段希望表达的主题是什么。就托福作文来说，对词汇和句法的硬性要求其实不是非常高，但对于基本的逻辑展开还是有要求。如上面这第二段，实际需要的只是一两句话把你所提到过的几个关键字连接起来，划成一个完整的逻辑圆：如果这些学生早点‘离开父母’自己锻炼，‘生活技能’就不会这么‘差’了。所以为了社会着想，年轻人应该早点离开父母，锻炼自己的生活技能。If these sophomores had been living without the support of their parents since younger, their life skills would probably be not as bad as what I see. Therefore to the benefit of the society, young adults should leave their families as early as possible to enhance their own life skills. 这个是举个具体的例子。为了改好漂移的倾向，请一定要多多仔细地练习。

阿泰UID: 209473

漂移说很棒，值得吸取

mpromanusUID: 2565872

俺还在想，这个版友俺去年就给改过作文了，怎么还没有考试？！原来是帖子被挖坟了。。谢过诸葛版版了。。

happyfaith2008UID: 2709856

那个漂移说的太好了！赞！