11月9号考试，大家帮看下作文结构合理不合理谢谢了

chnhzgbUID: 2523449

9. Some people prefer to live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a big city. Which place would you prefer to live in? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.  

It has been disputed for dacade that we should lead a life in a big city or in a small town. In my opinion, the big city may be better for most people.

Admittedly, some retirees prehaps prefer to live in a small town for some reasons and the most significant ones may be about their health. For example, they may argue that a small town is of better air quality, cleaner water and more trees which can help keep their body fit.

However, as a modern human-being, I would like to keep myself in a big city whether young or old. I have several reasons follwoing.

One of the most paramount causes is I would like to work in a big city because almost all the big firms are located in big cities and I enjoy working in big companies. Althoug I can work in the big city and go back my rural home after work, it costs too much time on the way home and I would like to enjoy some entertainmen at that time, which usually do not exist in a small town such as plush disco bar or huge theater. What accociates with the work place is that some of my friends who I made after I engaged in working might also live in the same big city. Human-beings are somewhat social creature so I cannot live alone without my friend or only communicate them with phone.

Equally significant is that living in a big city can ensure better medical service. For that matter, our govenment has founded much more modern hospitals in the big cities resulting from both the amount of popuation and density of poulation are higher than those in small towns. Better medical system can afford better meidical treatment and in a sense, heatlier. Of course, even if live in a small city could share the acheivement of medical technology as well, however, driving or taking public transportation to the big cities to go to the hospital is too inconvenient especially for seniors.

Another crucial factor is that a big city can provide the lastest fashion and make me march with the current. As a youth, I like to keep in the front of the world fashion and I want to know what are the most popular games now, what is the most popular hair color now and what is the most popular cellphone now whether in Tokoy or in New York. Through internet I can get some information on these subjects, but discussing with my friends about these and obversving and feeling these currents make me more modern. Only pictures and words on the computer screen cannot satisfy my curiosity about the concept of fashion.

To sum up, through the comprehensive analysis mentioned above, we can easily reach the conclusion that a big city is our prior choice of our home.

修改了一下，变成我自己的考试模板 期待狂批,昨天做TPO. 3分 郁闷的不行..哎 感谢帮忙看下有没有问题 考试有四分没

[ 本帖最后由 chnhzgb 于 2008-11-6 00:35 编辑 ]

chnhzgbUID: 2523449

3q so much

lilacgardenUID: 2556494

我水平很有限哈，但改别人的作文也是对自己的提高么，说得不对的还望指正。
1.前面4行是不是全放到一段里面比较好，这样就是第一段提到正反观点以及提出你的观点
2.第一个论点，你是说更喜欢在大城市工作，因为大的公司基本上都在大城市而你喜欢在大公司工作。那么我觉得接下来就应该围绕着在大城市的大公司上班来展开，就不应该再写后面那些娱乐以及和朋友交流之类的了。或者可以把论点写成喜欢在大城市工作是因为有大公司以及很多朋友，很多娱乐，这样既有自己喜欢的工作又能劳逸结合。

mpromanusUID: 2565872

It has been disputed for decades that whether we should lead a life in a big city or in a small town. In my opinion, the big city may be better for most people.

Admittedly,some retirees perhaps prefer to live in a small town for some reasons and the most significant ones may be about their health. For example,they may argue that a small town is of better air quality, has cleaner water and more trees which can help keep their body fit.

However, as a modern human-being, I would like to keep myself in a big city whether young or old. I have several reasons as follows.(开头三段可以合成一段的)

One of the most paramount causes reasons is I would like to work in a big city because almost all the big firms are located in big cities (技术上来说，在美国很多不是这样的。。安全起见可以说big firms tend to have offices in big cities) and I enjoy working in big companies. Although I can work in the big city and go back my rural home after work, it costs too much time on the way home and I would like to enjoy some entertainment at that time(什么时间是that time? after work? 已经离你上一次提到时间概念很远了，最好提醒读者一下), which usually does not exist in a small town such as a plush disco bar (狠窘地问: 虾米是plush disco bar?) or a huge movie theater (theater跟电影院不是一个概念). What accociates with the work place is that some of my friends who I made after I engaged in working might also live in the same big city.Human-beings are somewhat social creatures so I cannot live alone without my friends or only communicate them with phone.(喜欢在大城市工作和喜欢在工作中交的朋友是两个概念。在小镇子工作也能交朋友。所以后面这个论点不是很strong）

Equally significant is that living in a big city can ensure better medical services. For that matter, our govenment has founded much more modern hospitals in the big cities resulting from because of both the amount of population (population就有人口*数量*的意思，不需要再说人口数量的数量了) and density of population, are which is higher than those that in small towns (好严重的跑句。您还是多喘几口气，不要勉强写这么长的句子吧). A Better medical system can afford to provide better meidical treatments and in a sense, make residents healthiertlier. Of course, even if I live in a small city, I could share the achievements of medical technology as well. However, driving or taking public transportation to the big cities to go to the hospital is too inconvenient especially for seniors.

Another crucial factor is that a big city can provide the lastest fashion and make me march progress with the current. As a youth, I like to keep stay in the front of the world's fashion and I want to know what are the most popular games are now, what is the most popular hair color is now and what is the most popular cellphone is now, whether in Tokyo or in New York (又是没喘气的长句). Through the internet I can get some information on these subjects, but discussing with my friends about these, and obversving and feeling these currents make me more modern (同一句话里最好不要连着用两个and). Only Mere pictures and words on the computer screen cannot satisfy my curiosity about the concept of fashion.

To sum up, through the comprehensive analysis mentioned above, we can easily reach the conclusion that a big city is our my prior (只有两个备选的就不用比较了，何况prior不是你想要得词. 另外题目问的是你个人选择，用不着把全世界都扯上撒) choice of our home.


总结：

词汇量和基本句子的掌握没有什么问题，有一些词汇细微应用上的不准确。长句不喘气的问题太严重，建议实际写作中少用超过三个分句的句子。

另外拼字错误严重。请好好注意。

chnhzgbUID: 2523449

感谢 批改啊 但是theater我在里就是想表现为剧院 稍微高雅点哈。。march with the current 是马路边上广告牌的泊来品。。还有那句resulf from 后面that忘记加 我表达是 人口数量和人口密度都比小城高 语法上有错误吗？resulting from that both population and density of population are higher than those in a small city.或者把resulting from改because

mpromanusUID: 2565872

theatre作剧院 通常不会用huge修饰。高雅的东西都是少数的。。

广告语你可以拿来用，但是用在议论文里通常感觉会很奇怪，实在要用就加引号。

第三个问题，语法上问题不大，但读起来太费劲了，直接改成...because big cities have higher population as well as higher population density than small towns. 简单直接是托福王道。搞得很GRE一样复杂你会把读的人绕昏的。

chnhzgbUID: 2523449

真是不好意思。。GRE阅读读多了 脑子就变这样了..问一下 take sth. as an example 如果我想表达 以我为例 我很笨 是 Taking me as an example, I am stupid.还是Taken me as ..还是To take me as.....

mpromanusUID: 2565872

汗，真是不好意思，这么久才发觉这儿还有个问题。。:eek:

你问的那句话最华丽地正确着的写法是这样: Take me as an example: (注意是冒号) I'm stupid. 然后该写什么继续往下写。前面一半实际上是一个完整的祈使句，动词不需要任何变形。

chnhzgbUID: 2523449

本人已经挂掉了。。在9号的战场上

superzhuboUID: 2512118

一般口语中的电影院都说是 movie theater，而不是cinema

mpromanusUID: 2565872

10楼：俺记得俺没说电影院是cinema啊，俺是说电影院就是movie theater，不是单单theater。。cinema是英式英语。

阿泰UID: 209473

前三段的排列方法很诡异